The Hidden Violence

When people say domestic violence, your brain automatically assumes physical violence. No one thinks about verbal abuse, let alone talks about it. It just slides by and is forgotten because the physical damage is so much worse. A moment in time can trigger the memory of verbal abuse. It's at that moment where you freeze, your body tenses up and you are smacked with flashbacks that you wish were nightmares. Unfortunately, you know better and it wasn't some horrible dream but rather your life. Everyone has experienced verbal abuse at one time or another. All it takes is for someone to cuss at you, call you a name or talk down to you. Anything that makes you feel horrible about yourself is verbal abuse. It's swept under the rug with a blanket apology until the next pile of verbal vomit comes your way. Then another apology. How many apologies do you need to realize that an apology doesn't mean anything unless the other person is willing to change that behavior and stop. You can have a million "I'm sorry's" or gifts or some sort of bribe but it is all meaningless if it continues. There is no need for verbal violence or abuse. It is toxic to everyone involved. The victim feels awful and the person responsible may not feel remorse and the hate will spread through them like a disease. The person responsible may even feel a sense of accomplishment for hurting the victim. It may be the exact response they were hoping for and it was achieved. People who have experienced verbal violence also need to rember this is not their fault. You cannot heal someone else's inner turmoil until they want to change. Something is wrong with the abuser to spread hatred like that. It doesn't matter what it is, it is still not your fault. Verbal abuse turns to mental abuse. Later, that becomes mental illness and a slew of pills won't take away the pain. Doctors, counselors, psychiatrists all try to work with you and help you. Does it really work? Does it make anything better? Sure, there is a temporary reprieve and for a short time you will feel better. I hate it when people tell me things like time heals all wounds or what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. No it doesn't. Don't say that. If you can't think of anything then don't say anything at all. The victim will eventually seek treatment but no one really helps the other person involved. If you think about it, they may have a mental illness or problem that caused them to act in such a manner. They will find someone else to beat down emotionally and the vicious cycle of verbal abuse will continue. Personally, I am tired of apologies that are empty promises. I refuse to be the receipent of loose lips and hateful language. I have no time in my life for negative people or their strong tempers. I will not be a punching bag for someone else's problem and neither should anyone else.

My family and GG

I lay here wide awake at almost 6am and it has just occurred to me that this Christmas we will not be receiving a card from GG. GG is my great grandmother who passed away earlier this year in July. She had a long and beautiful life. Many grandchildren and great grandchildren. She was even a great, great grandma. Not many people can say that. I never thought her passing would affect me.the way that it has, she lived 3-4 hours away. I never saw her very often but I knew she loved us. She wrote letters and sent cards to my mom. I would check the mailbox time and again, and every so often there would be something from her. A letter for my mom, with a pamphlet called Our Daily Bread. A small booklet with scripture and lessons on applying them to life. At Christmas she always sent a lovely card. Enclosed would be $10 and a note that instructed my mom to buy something for the girls meaning my sisters and I. I always wondered how we would split $10 three ways. Usually ended with ice cream. That's how you split the $10. This year, that won't happen. It's not the $10 or "lovely" card but the routine of checking the mail and seeing the card, with GG's elegant handwriting on the envelope. She is gone. So are the letters. When she passed away, it left a gaping hole in my heart. My mother's side of the family is slowly but surely fading. I felt that one of the biggest and most important connections to my deceased grandfather (her son),was gone. I never took advantage of asking her about the past, family history, my grandpa or what my mom was like as a kid, although I have a pretty good idea. I have two grandmas left. All my grandfathers are deceased. After GG, left us I did learn a few new things about my family. Some of them were supposed to be secrets. I met cousins and relatives, I never knew I had. It was a blessing in many ways. But nothing filled the hole in my heart. It is slowly healing and the hole gets a little smaller every day. I never knew how much I loved my GG until she was gone. I wish I had known her better. I can't undo the past but I can take full advantage of the present. I continue to learn more and my mom is hunting for cousins or other relatives. It brought a lot of us closer together. That's a wonderful thing but it happened during such a sad time in our lives. I miss her, much more than I thought I would. Death is a part of life. You can't avoid it, ignore it or deny its existence. With all this time away from work, I have had time, maybe too much time to think about life and how quickly it can pass you by. I know GG wouldn't want any of us to squander our time but rather to live, find happiness, joy and peace in our lives. She may be gone with her letters and cards but her memory lives on in each and every one of us who had the pleasure of knowing her. That is better than any card, letter or $10 bill in an envelope.

I am overwhelmed. I would cry but my shrink has me over medicated. God forbid, I should cry, I may not stop and we can't have that, can we Doctor? That is all.

Pills

Do you ever look at a bottle of pills and think about taking them all? I do. All the time. I don't want to die if that is what you are thinking. I just don't want to wake up. I don't want my life to be the mess that it is at the moment. What if I woke up a few weeks, months or even a year from now? Would that really change anything? I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed and hurt by certain events. Some of them family related that I do not wish to divulge. I just don't want to deal with the same childish behaviors or have the same conversations/arguments that have happened a thousand times over. I know that by having a comatose sleep and waking a few days or weeks from now wouldn't change anything except that I would have missed out on part of life. My problems would still be there and I would still have to confront them. It doesn't make them go away, if anything they would fester and worsen like a deadly infection seeping through the veins of all those involved. I have no answers, I have no solutions or ideas as how to resolve my feelings. Communication is supposed to be the key but how do you communicate to those who don't listen? You can't make them and you can't change their attitude. You just have to hold out hope and believe that things will get better. Pills or endless sleeping won't fix it, it's just another way to hide from the issue. So as tempting as pills can be, they sit in my nightstand drawer untouched. Just like they should be.

It's Not Goodbye

Two sleeps away from the big day. Shannon's moving day. Well I guess since I am writing this very early Friday morning it is technically one more night away. I was feeling better about her moving as I know this is something she has to do for herself and her kids. Doesn't mean I have to like it. All night long, I have been dealing with anxiety. Severe chest pains and odd breathing patterns. I realize now, that my anxiety is from feeling like I am losing my best friend when in all reality I am not. She is just moving half an hour away. That isn't far at all. It's not the other end of the world. I just became overwhelmed this evening with sadness knowing that she won't be right there anymore. A phone call or text message is all it takes to stay in touch but it isn't the same as having her next door. I enjoy spending time with her and I absolutely adore her little ones. I know that this is the best possible thing for her and her family. I have to keep telling myself that because this isn't about me. We are making plans to have visits and sleep over, girls night and all of those things. I look forward to them. I truly do but I wish I didn't have to make them and we could have tje spontaneity that has served us so well. It's one of the qualities I like about Shannon we don't make plans in advance we just go with the flow and roll with the punches. I have truly been spoiled by her friendship. Always there to listen to me vent my emotions, paint my nails, share her coffee, and so much more. Things will definitely be different without her around and I will miss her so much. I am positive that with time, I will move past my heartache of her leaving as she isn't that far away and we are still friends. I'm just saddened by her leaving. It's not the end and it is not goodbye. I have to remind myself of that and stop crying so much. I have another day left to spend some time with her and her beautiful babies. I need to take advantage of that and let her know that she can always come home to us. We may not be family by blood but we are family and that's all that matters. Good luck girly and sending blessings your way. May your new home bring you the fresh start and happiness you deserve.

pain

It's 3:45am. I am still awake. Tears running down my face. I have taken tylenol, Advil and two anti-anxiety tablets. I am still in excruciating pain. Nothing has taken the edge off my shoulder pain. I have been praying. I have been counting my blessings. I have been trying to stay positive. It's not working. I am sore. I am in pain. I am wide awake in agonizing pain. I have a feeling that my rib has moved again. This hurts more than words can explain. Maybe exhaustion will kick in and I will be able to fall asleep from that. It's the best I can hope for at this time.

Where is the love?

I thought Christmas was a time when people were kind and sharing. The whole "Christmas spirit" thing. Apparently not. We are in such a rush to buy gifts and prepare the home for family and friends that we forget the others around us. We become these obsessed people and forget to look at the world around us. For instance, my cat Dave escaped from the house the other night. He has done it before. He often whines at the back door to be let out. He is not an outdoor cat, no matter what his cat head may think. He was gone less than 12 hours when I received a call from the local humane society telling me they had Dave. I was relieved and pissed off because it would cost $35 to get his butt out of cat prison. Money I would have to borrow from my mom. It turns out someone had brought him in thinking he was a stray despite the fact that he is somewhat obese and he was wearing his collar with all his info on it. Someone had caught him a trap meant for a raccoon. Dave came home looking like he just went 12 rounds in the ring because someone has an illegal trap out. I was also able to find out that the person who "caught" Dave lives less than a block away. It is a longer distance to drop the cat off at the humane society than it is to have returned him home. I was livid. Dave had been in the care of the humane society for less than 2 hours and I still had to pay the $35 to bail him out. But he is home and safe for now... In the meantime, my boyfriend who lives in a different city about 45 minutes away was hit by a car. He had the right of way as a pedestrian and checked traffic before crossing. Someone in their car, disregarded the signs and he noticed almost immediately. As my boyfriend was trying to jump back on to the curb this person hit him. His head and face bounced off the curb. The driver took off. No one stopped to help him or stay as a witness to the incident. He spent hours in t he hospital. Thankfully, his injuries are not nearly as severe as they could be. He has a concussion and sore neck which could cause problems later. He is home and safe now as well. I am annoyed and disturbed by the inconsiderate actions of people lately. No one can make a phone call to return a cat? More importantly no one can stop to check on someone who was a victim of a crime? How can you leave someone laying on the side of the road? Or just walk past them and continue on your way? Have we become so self absorbed that we don't see anyone except ourselves? I thought at Christmas at the very least, people would have more compassion and understanding. Maybe we all need to stop and check ourselves before heading out the door for the day and not just around the holidays but every day.

I will always be broken

I had to have an emergency appointment with the chiropractor today. My rib moved back into the unnatural position it thinks is it's natural position. Muscles have memories. We are working on changing 22 years of damage and memory. Things were going fantastically well and I was on my way to recovery and this is a setback. This puts things back to where I started. I was told today that there is a possibility that this may happen from time to time. It is excruciatingly painful to the point of nausea. I have the privilege of living with this for the rest of my life, therefore I will always be broken on some level. I'm angry. This isn't fair and the person responsible has no clue what he has done to me. Even if he did he wouldn't care. I know life isn't fair and we are sometimes given difficulties but I don't deserve this one. I don't deserve to be broken for the rest of my life.

Shannon Shenanigans

One of my best friends is moving away. I am completely and utterly devastated. She isn't moving far but she is moving out of the city and I don't drive. Neither does she, it will be difficult to see each other but not impossible. We can write to each other because I prefer it over email. It won't be the same though. She is not only one of my best friends but my next door neighbor. She is like a little sister to me and I absolutely adore her two kids. We have spent so much time together especially in the last few months. We spend time painting our nails and drinking rum together. It never ended well for me but it was fun. Then as my shoulder issues became more prevalent, she was there to help. She helped me with blow drying and styling my hair. Helped me with my make up. She even fed me dinner, well cut the pieces of meat for me since I couldn't. My arm was placed in a sling at the time. We shared morning/lunch coffee together. Walked to the small mall, all the while having girl talk. We have had our fair share of shenanigans and tom foolery. Prank phone calls, silly nights out drinking and many other things I can't share as I am sworn to secrecy. That's what friends do we confide in each other and protect one another. We have bonded, not just as friends but as sisters. We love and care for each other like family. I enjoy spending time with her, she is another sister to me except she likes me and likes spending time with me. It's a struggle with my sisters and I to spend time with each other. She has listened to me vent, cry and laugh. We have shared so many secrets and stories. I can't imagine not seeing her everyday even if only in a quick passing. I absolutely love her two kids and I will miss them just as much. I feel as though I am losing part of my family. I never thought someone simply moving away could hurt so badly. I didn't think I could shed this many tears over someone moving to a city approximately half an hour away. The tears won't stop flowing and there is nothing I can do to make her stay. I wish I could. She moves next weekend. It's not enough time to say our goodbyes or at least so long. What will I do without her? Her home is my sanctuary when I am frustrated or need a break from my parents. I know this all sounds very selfish as I am focusing on me and how this affects me. I wish her the best, I truly do and I know that for her this is the right decision. It just sucks for both of us. She isn't gone forever, she isn't a million miles away but right now it hurts. It hurts both of us, that I know for sure. I will miss her so much but as she said she is just a text message away. It just won't be the same as running next door to tell her secrets, stories, gossip or anything else we want to chat about. Life changes, people change, everything has a time and a place. I just happen to dislike change, especially this one. I suppose everything has an expiry date. Our friendship hasn't changed or expired, just the living situation for one of us. I hope she knows just how much I will miss her in my life everyday. But before I keep going, I should stop writing before I start crying again.

It's alright, it's okay, today is going to be a good day, just wait and see...

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my chiropractor that was very successful. My body has decided (so far) that it would like to heal without the intrusion of drastic measures such as surgery. The chiropractor said that I only need a few more visits and I should be good to go that is if my body continues to cooperate. I was ecstatic when he told me that. I no longer need narcotics to help ease my pain, even though I still do have quite a bit, it is not nearly as bad as before. That was great news. That means if things continue to improve I can go back to work. I can continue my career in dental assisting. This was such a great day for me. It means things are turning around and it gave me new hope for the future. I won't ever be able to forget this ordeal but I will be able to move forward with my life. This will fade in to a distant memory. I can return to work and continue to achieve my goals. I don't have an exact date as to when I will be finished with treatment but with the new year quickly approaching, I will have a new start in life with some much needed healing. I continue to count my blessings and talk to God on a regular basis. I need to stay positive and focused on the future. I feel confident that things can only get better.

Count Your Blessings Before They Are Long Gone

One of the things I am trying to do during this difficult period in my life is count my blessings. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude which is not always easy but I continue to try. Today, I am especially thankful for my three year old nephew. He brings so much joy to my life and I can't imagine him not being a part of it. I love watching him learn and discover new things on a daily basis. His laughter is infectious and he has such a great sense of humor for a little guy. His hugs and kisses always make me feel better and I anticipate every moment with him. I look forward to visits and phone calls. I love when he gets a hold of my sister's cell phone and sends me text messages full of toddler gibberish. Or messages from my sister telling me about his latest adventure or mishap. He certainly knows how to keep things interesting. He is one of the most important people in my life and one of my biggest blessings. I never knew how much I could love one person until he entered my life. I love this little boy more than I thought was humanly possible. I can only anticipate the years to come and watching him grow. I hope his little three year old heart knows just how much I love him. xoxo

Anger Management

I am not an overly religious person but I believe in God, I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in spiritual healing. So I am going to pray. I am going to ask God to help me with my anger towards my father for all this pain and suffering that I am currently experiencing. Dear Lord, I am asking you to please help me with journey in healing. I need physical healing and just as important as that I need spiritual healing. I am so angry with my father for what he has done to me. I am in constant pain and I blame him. I am furious with everything. I fear that my emotions are taking over my entire body and that I may take my rage out on a family member or friend who doesn't deserve it. I would never physically harm someone. I can feel the changes in my attitude and personality. This is not who I am. I don't want to feel angry and I certainly do not want this hate in my heart. I feel it is a waste of time and energy yet I can't let go. Please help me heal my body and soul. I feel so lost and hurt. I don't want to feel this way and I certainly don't want to be this person. I know you have put me in good hands with my treatment. You have sent me friends and family who are actively showing their support and for that I thank you. I need that now more than ever as well. Please bless them for their kind hearts and words of comfort. It means so much to me to know that I have people who care about me and my well being. Please continue to bless them. Thank you. Amen.