I want to die. Plain and simple. I am not good enough for anyone nor will I ever be. This isn't a new feeling but one I have been struggling with for some time. I can't bring myself to commit suicide. So every day, I ask God, why am I still here? I ask him to let me fall asleep forever. I have no direction, no purpose and I don't know what the hell I am doing on Earth. Someone just give me a reason to stay alive because I can't find one.

I'm drowning. Sure, I know how to swim but I don't want to swim. I sink further and further into the water letting it fill my lungs and while I the thought of dying terrifies me, I have a great sense of relief. My depression is drowning me. At first, I was in a panic but now I am beginning to make peace with it. I am suddenly angry with every person who has hurt me. I am tired of lying to people about my little visit to the psych ward. An omission of truth is the same as lying. My sister and I don't get along. No matter what I do or what I say, I will always be an enemy in her eyes. Someone to fight with, to knock down with insults and verbal humiliation. I will never be good enough for her. I am at a loss, I have no plans to try and harm myself nor do I plan on making any plans but sometimes I wonder, would it just be easier if for some unknown reason, I didn't wake up in the morning. My heart is breaking and will soon be broken like the rest of me, so why not drown.

Home Again

I was home at last. It felt better than good. The first thing I did was unpack and take a shower. A much needed one at that. As promised, I handed over any contraband from my room. It was my knitting supplies. With the scissors and metal knitting needles gone, my room was once again a safe haven. Part of the deal to return home was that I had to tell someone whenever I was feeling the need to self harm. So far, I have managed to keep myself from doing something like that again. If I stumble with this issue again, the only choice I have left is to go to a hospital four hours away. I would be truly alone then. My parents don't drive, so transportation and cost would be a big issue and I would miss out on the other important things happening close to home. It would be heart breaking for me to be so far away from home and my family. I haven't fallen yet, I am trying so hard not to but there is something inside me that wants me to harm myself. I have this urge to, I make plans in my head but I don't follow through on them. The fear of going to a clinic four hours away for four months is terrifying. But that need is there and I am trying so hard to move past it. My hands begin to shake and it's in that moment that I know I could do it. I don't, I tell someone. I talk to someone about it. I haven't discovered what my exact triggers are that make me want to do myself harm. It's not about death or dying. It's about the release I feel after the blood starts to flow. I can breathe again. It feels good in a sick way. Even though, I am experiencing physical pain, everything else feels right. It's twisted and doesn't make much sense but that is why I need help. I need to work through my fears, anxieties and depression. That's what I am currently working on, slowly but surely.

The Inquisition

Rolling over and avoiding the nurse did not help me at all. My nurse for the day came in and introduced herself. She then told me that she had to interview me. So we went back to the tiny room that was crammed full of office furniture. I again explained everything again. She asked to see my cuts. I pulled my sleeve down and showed her. She said she had seen worse. I told her that I was embarrassed by them and ashamed. She replied, "pull your sleeve back down." So I did. After that interview I had to meet with the psychiatrist again. He and the nurse asked how I felt about being in the psychiatric ward. To be honest, I was intimidated, scared, shocked and I wanted to go home. I told them I want to go home. The psychiatrist said he was hoping I would stay and experience the routines and group therapy. Nope, I wanted out. I was irritated and agitated. He was a little surprised but said if I wanted to leave that I could as I had signed myself in voluntarily. However, it would be against medical advice as I had not yet met the social worker and signed up for my group therapy sessions. I then asked if I could participate in out patient programs. I wanted the help, I need the help. My mind is suffering terribly and I am harming myself. So I explained that if I could not receive outpatient treatment that I would very reluctantly stay. I was terrified of the other patients. I was scared and alone. I can't explain the terror that I felt, I feared being labelled by society, being alone in this ward and maybe just maybe I wasn't losing my mind and I had made a mistake by checking in to the hospital. The nurse said she would talk to the social worker and see if we could somehow expedite the process. I was so grateful. She was much kinder than the night nurse. After that, I was able to return to my room where I didn't feel so exposed and intimidated. I went back to sleep, but not for long. A doctor came in to ask how I was feeling and to check on me after being sick all night. In my half asleep state, I managed to tell him that I had heart burn. Odd, but true. He pressed on my stomach and asked if I felt pain, nope just aggravated that yet another person is asking me questions. He left and I went to sleep. It seemed like it was a dream but when I asked the nurse she said yes I had seen him and told him about my stomach issues. Finally, the person I needed to see came in and was able to help me. The social worker. He held my ticket out of this nightmare. We went to his office where I explained how I wanted to go home. He said he would do his very best to get me into the out patient program but it could take a day or so and I may have to stay another night. I agreed. I didn't want to stay, I felt like being there was really going to make me crazy. There was another catch, I had to call my parents and ask if I could come home. We had to discuss if it was safe for me and if my parents would continue to support me and help me. My mom agreed. She said it was my home and I could come home if I wanted. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to say with more enthusiasm, "come home, it's where you belong." My day dreams are always so dramatic and far away from reality. She was concerned about me harming myself again and that she really didn't know if she could protect me. The call ended. I was disappointed with my mom's response. I wanted more enthusiasm, I wanted to be wanted back home. You are probably thinking, well it was only one night, how can they miss me? How can I expect more spirit about coming home. My mom and I have an awesome relationship. We are very close, we have a best friend relationship. I adore her for all her help, support and love. That's why I thought the phone call would have gone differently. After the call, I went to my room. I was waiting for visiting hours which started at 3:45pm. I read my book, finished a few word searches, layed in bed. I was just waiting, waiting for good news from the social worker, waiting for my parents to show up. At 4:15 they arrived. As upset as I was about being in the ward, I was so relieved to see them. I could let out this breath I had been holding since I arrived there. The social worker had worked a miracle I could leave the ward and receive out patient treatment. I was so excited to go home. I packed my bag up as fast as I possibly could and changed into my clothes. The nurse and social worker wished me good luck and I was on my way. On my way home, I have never been happier to return to my home. I was safe again. Being there, even for a short time scared me. I saw how badly things could get if I didn't get help. Over medicated zombies lingered in the TV area. Listless, sad people staring at the TV eating awful hospital food. Angry people screaming and swearing at the psychiatric team. Or people who were plastering fake smiles on their faces just trying to get through the day. I don't know which category I fit in and I didn't want to find out. I kept my word to the kind nurse and fantastic social worker. I went to my appointment, I am looking at the courses available to me and on Monday I will be signing up for my groups. I have to tackle this, I don't want to return to the hospital and that fear has kept me from self harm. It's hard and I wrestle with my mind about cutting. The difference this time, I am thinking about others, how this will affect my family and friends. Before that, I never would have considered them. They had never entered my mind, it was me and what I needed. This is an addiction, it's a struggle but I fear succombing to my mental illness. That fear might just be big enough to keep me safe. So far it has but every day is different and the nights too. The nights are harder to cope with but I do it one day at a time. Just getting through one day at a time.

Lucky Part II

The same nurse, led the way to a small room, it had a desk, three chairs, a phone and a blood pressure cuff crammed in there. She sat at the desk and we began my interview. She asked me the same questions as everyone else. She asked why I did this, what led up to this and then she threw in some random questions to make sure I wasn't delusional. What is the date, what year, what time, my first and last name. It just went on and on and on. I answered all her questions satisfactorily and it finally ended. Then she checked all my vitals. I must have been calming down as my blood pressure was back to normal, my heart rate was normal and I was beginning to feel exhausted. Finally, left the tiny interview room so she could give me the tour. Not much of a tour when you are in a locked ward. If you needed anything at all, you had to get out of bed and go to the nurses station. There were no call buttons, meals were served cafeteria style and there was one phone for patient use. As she showed me around, I asked for something to eat. I sat in the waiting room for 10 hours, I was starving. We went to the cafeteria where she gave me a salmon sandwich, milk and orange juice. I hate fish but I was starving. So I ate it without trying to taste it. I gazed around the room, there were a few games and puzzles. There was a shelf with a very sad assortment of books. Then, I noticed on another shelf, photocopied pages of a coloring book. Next to the pictures of puppies was a container full of crayons. No markers, no pens or pencil crayons. They worry patients may try to harm themselves with items so only crayons are allowed. Within minutes of eating the fish, I began to feel sick to my stomach. I walked the long hallway back to my bed. I crawled in and again I didn't cry. I thought I would but I didn't. I layed in bed and the nurse brought me some meds. Two ativan and a sleep aid. I asked if they were my meds I had brought with me and she said no. I was not allowed to have my meds as the doctor had placed a hold on them. So I received a less than half dose of my sleep aid and nothing for pain for my shoulder. I was already unhappy, now I knew I wouldn't sleep and I felt sick. She left and came back with papers for me to sign. Eventually she left for what I hoped would be the rest of the night. No such luck. They do bed checks every hour. They open the door and peer in with a camping lantern to make sure you are still in bed. What fresh hell was this, what had I gotten myself into I wondered. After the second or third bed check, I finally spoke to a nurse about my upset stomach. She came back with ginger ale and crackers. She said she wouldn't be able to give me any gravol or pain medication unless the doctor prescribed it and he wouldn't be in until the morning. We are in a general hospital, what do you mean there is no doctor?! At some point, I fell asleep. I don't know what time as there are no clocks allowed on the ward. It is the place that time forgot. I was angry and upset, I felt sick and there was nothing I could do. No one could help me, and now I was trapped in here. Before I knew it, there was a new nurse in my room. She was there to wake me and my roommate for breakfast. She came in, announced the time 7:45 am, and that breakfast was now being served. I'm sure I looked at her with glaring, fiery eyes that said how dare you disturb me at this ungodly hour. I rolled over, away from her and went back to sleep. My stomach was still upset from the awful salmon sandwich and I really didn't want to deal with anyone or anything. Unfortunately, rolling over only helped for so long.

Lucky

My name was called. A nurse came over and said "you're very lucky, one bed left and now it's yours." With that, she proceeded to put a new bracelet around my wrist telling everyone I was now a patient. She left and in came a security guard to escort me to my bed. It felt like I was in trouble. A security guard in front of me and one following behind. We made what seemed like a long walk to the ward. I went through one set of locked doors and then to another. Eventually, I was handed off to a nurse who would show me to my room. As I looked around, I was shocked and horrified. These people here, were definitely in the right place but I was not. I suddenly felt so lost and alone. I looked at my parents, still hoping they would change their minds. I couldn't believe where I was. I wanted to run, but run where. I was locked in this place. I agreed to be locked in this place. The nurse ushered me in to the room and promptly went through the contents of my bag. Suddenly, I felt like I had done something wrong, like I had committed a crime. She searched through each pocket of my bag, then took my cell phone, wallet and iPod. She locked them away in what would no be my locker. Then she demanded I put the rest of my belongings into the small nightstand/dresser next to my bed. Just as she had ushered me into the room, I now had to return to the hall,I was going to be interviewed. It was time for my parents to leave and all I kept thinking was "you are really going to leave me here? In this place?!" How could they leave me here, this wasn't the place for me. I know I need help but can't I stay at home. I just kept reminding myself that I did this, I put myself in this situation. They did leave. I didn't watch them and I didn't cry. I couldn't, if I did I wouldn't stop.

Welcome to my Nightmare

This time my break from cutting would last a day or two longer than the previous but I had a compulsion. Something inside me told me to even though I knew it was wrong. I took seamstress scissors to my forearm and began making the cuts. Three long lines, probably an inch or more in length. Not deep but enough that I could watch myself bleed. I did it, at first I had great satisfaction in my efforts. But then I knew I could never hide them and that someone would notice. I also knew that I had a sickness. I didn't know if it could be treated at home. Again, I confessed. I made a deal with my mom, I wanted to sleep in my own bed for one last night and then first thing in the morning she could take me to the hospital. She agreed. I was thankful but also hoping that she might change her mind and not take me. She would allow me to stay home. No such luck, she took me. We played the waiting game. I would talk to a nurse, crisis nurse, social worker, psychiatrist and emergency room doctor. I was dreading having to speak with the shrink. Two patients before me had left the room crying after speaking with him. I was nervous, my name was called. I went in, expecting the worst but he wasn't so bad. He and I had a longdiscussion, the conclusion being that I voluntarily check myself in to the hospital. It was my nightmare come true. I knew the decision was ultimately mine but deep down, I knew that my mom would be very upset if I had not stayed. She was already feeling as though hospital personnel weren't taking my complaints and concerns as seriously as they should. So I agreed. I came back and told my mom that they were looking for a bed for me in the psychiatric unit. It was at that moment I was angry with her. I knew I shouldn't be but I was. I wanted to tell her to go home and leave me alone. I wanted to blame her but I couldn't. She didn't cut me, she didn't force me to harm myself. I put myself in this situation and now I had to deal with it.