I survived 2010

I know the year isn't quite over yet but I've had so many thoughts racing through my mind that I've barely slept in days.
Let's be honest - this year sucked for me. It started off horribly.
I was in a dead end relationship and everyone knew it, except for me, well maybe I knew and I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I was cut off from friends and family, I had this "boyfriend" who mentally tormented me and took away everything important to me. He made me feel so awful about myself, I cried all the time. I cried myself to sleep, I cried in the shower. I cried as long as no one saw me because I wanted to put on this brave face and pretend everything was fine. Turns out, hiding your problems doesn't fix them, they surface and nothing good comes from it. Just a lot of heartache and more tears. Ten months ago, I felt as though I couldn't breathe, like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I felt as though half of my body was missing. How was I to live on my own? How am I ever going to take care of myself? I had someone do that for three years. To make things extraordinarily worse, I lost my job and was left with 3 years worth of credit card debt. The person I trusted more than anything in this world, just walked away, like the last 3 years never took place. Just a bad dream right? Not for me. I had nothing but time. Too much time on my hands. I criticized every aspect of myself before I realised there really is nothing wrong with me - it was him. He lied, he cheated, he abused drugs and became this shell of a person I knew. I don't cry over him, I actually don't miss him at all. This is more of a reflection of the year 2010. All of these things happened to me before March 1st, 2010. Five days away from my 22ND birthday. Everyone told me this would be a great learning experience. I didn't want a learning experience. I wanted my life back because no matter how terrible it was, I was comfortable with it and here I was thrown out of my comfort zone.
Finally, in May things turned around. I found my dream job, all my hard work in school was beginning to pay off. I work with a great team of people who encourage me to learn and grow as a dental assistant. I earn more than minimum wage which I really like.
I was able to go to Halifax and visit relatives. I saw the ocean again for the first time in 6 years! I experienced Nova Scotia in the summer, something I have never done before. Turns out, you can drink on boats and it's called a booze cruise and it is really cool. You don't have to be drunk to feel drunk on a booze cruise
I healed my relationship with my best friend, over lots and lots of gin/vodka - whatever suited our mood that particular night. I went to the Toronto Zoo for the first time since I was a little kid. There were some awesome polar bears this year. And hippos.
I've been able to spend time with my Grandma again which I love.
I can shop without feeling guilty, I can buy designer things and actually enjoy them.
I became an auntie to a gorgeous little boy who I love more than anything and I can spoil him rotten.
I am comfortable with myself, I am so happy to be on my own, to learn who I really am, without being a part of a couple. Couples kinda suck, because you have to compromise and I don't want to do that anymore. Not right now anyways. It's time to be selfish for awhile. It's time to learn who I am, instead of what I am or was, which was some one's girlfriend.
I've had all these amazing adventures this year, and all I have focused on is this bullshit that started the year off.
Things started off so poorly that I have been terrified of a new year, which is a silly fear to have, but I'm just waiting for another sucker punch. Something to knock me down. I am not an optimistic person, in fact today was one of those days where I felt like kicking puppies or something except I really like puppies so I would have to find something else to kick.
But a good friend, reminded me that I can't live in fear. In fact she said my fear was stupid because the only person who can fix what I don't like in my life is me. She said I don't have to grow up yet, but the new year is coming wether I want it to or not. There's nothing I can do to stop that, not even hiding under a big pile of coats. The important thing in this entire rant is that I survived. I survived all of it. 2010 is finally over and I can look forward to a fresh start so here is to 2011. It better rock or I will find that big pile ol' coats and never come out.

One of the many things I appreciate about my job is smelling like a dental office and sweat at the end of the day. Sure, it's disgusting and repulsive but it has a major benefit.
At the end of the day on the bus, which is a 30-40 minute bus ride, nobody EVER wants to sit next to me! This is perfect for my anxiety, I hate strange people sitting next to me (and I hate sharing, honestly I'm not very good at it). My bag lounges comfortably on the seat next to me while people walk by and try not to smell various dental products. I don't even have to feel guilty about my bag having it's own seat because no one wants to sit there.

Thanks, dental offices for being so gross. I love you.

I never learn

I never listen to the advice of anyone. I ask for it, then do what I want anyways.
Take Saturday night for example...
My best friend came over for the night, she wanted to relax, watch movies, eat popcorn etc. I was restless and wanted to go out. She didn't want to due to lack of money and the fact that we go to our favorite bar A LOT. Her words exactly "sometimes, it's good to charge the batteries for a weekend." My words exactly "we're only 22 and not dead yet, let's go. You can raid my closet and borrow whatever you want" (This is a tempting offer considering my overspending tendancies and my many designer items.)
She didn't want to go, really didn't want to go out. She reminded me of my recent illness and exhaustion from work. She advised me to relax for a weekend, to take it easy. Nope, I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit home, feeling cooped up. I couldn't stay home knowing that all the university students moved to the city this weekend and would be out enjoying their last weekend of freedom. It would be a great opportunity to meet some new and attractive guys. I couldn't resist - I had to go.
After much convincing I won, my bestest agreed to go to the bar for a "drink or two."
With her and I, it is never as simple as a "drink or two" - we work hard, so we play hard. Apparently, I play harder. We both returned home almost three hours later and three sheets to the wind. She doesn't drink hard liqor the way I do. She will enjoy beer or wine, while I have to drink vodka or gin. I hate beer and am very picky about wine. Turns out, I may have drank more than her as I have the worst damn hangover of my entire life. Worse than underage binge drinking hangovers. My stomach has such bad gut rot that I couldn't sleep and spent half my day feeling tipsy. The other half vowing to never drink again and wishing I would have stayed home to "charge the batteries". This is a vow, I have pledged many times since I was 16 and came home drunk for the first time. It is also a vow, I have broken many times since then.
So today, my bestest has had the extreme pleasure of singing the "I told you so..."song while accompanying the song with a dance. I curse her for being right, but our plans for next weekend - to hit up our favorite bar,because it is her turn to decide where we go or what we do.(Never should have used that when I was trying to convince her to go out.)
My liver hurts as I think of next weekend.

Confessions

I pretend that everything is fine. I push everything down, bury it deep inside me and pray every morning that everything I've kept bottled up doesn't explode.
It's not working. I lay awake at night, unable to sleep, unable to turn my brain off. I take anti anxiety pills a few times a day. Nothing helps.
My anger and hurt is still rotting me from the inside out. My heart has healed but it still hurts. Hurts like hell. I can't escape the pain, not even in my sleep. It's all I dream about, and when I wake those dreams haunt me for most of the day.
I think of you and want to vomit. I think of what a waste of a human being you are and how any one with a heart and soul could do something so horrible.
I am not talking about the lies and betrayal anymore. I'm talking about the emotional torment I suffered for four days. The emotional abuse, the mind games, the abuse I was exposed to from the one person who claimed to love me.
When you dumped me, you left me in hysterics on your bedroom floor. Left me shattered, a fragment of who I was. I cried for you, begged you not to leave me this way. Your response " I can't watch this, it hurts too much to see you this way." And then you packed a bag and left me for her. On your way out the door, you asked your mom to help me. Told her I was in a fragile state and needed someone to help me. Then you walked out the door. Leaving me to pack my bags and find my own way home. You treated the trash better than me that night - at least you drove it to the curb.
You played mind games for four whole days. Blamed me for the demise of our relationship. The things that you said, the pain you caused me was so unbareable that I drank every ounce of liqor I had trying to numb the pain. It helped for a moment, but then the moment passed and I blamed myself because you made me believe. You made me an insecure little girl and after having your fun for four days, you came home and kicked me out.
Every word that came out of your mouth was a lie. I don't believe you ever loved me. You were 17 and I was in college. It was an ego boost for your low self esteem to date a college girl. You also won the bet among the crew at work. You had bragging rights. Everything was a game, everything was a lie and I stupidly believed it. I believed you, I trusted you and I loved you more than anything in the entire world. It would have been nice to know that I was nothing more than a bet. I wonder how much money you made off that. What was I worth to you? I at least deserve to know how much you won.
You manipulated me into believing everything was my fault. I constantly tried to change for you, I tried to please you any way I could and I was never good enough. You had me believing that the college educated girl wasn't good enough for the high school drop out, earning minimum wage at a medicore job.
You made me feel broken. You destroyed my heart. And I am not alright. I can pretend all I want, I can put on a smile and go to work. I can fool those closest to me, but I can't fool myself. Everyone says "just get over it" if it were that simple I would. I wish I could. I pray every morning, and every night before bed but it never goes away. It will eventually, and every day it gets easier but I can't keep hiding from it anymore. I can't keep pushing it aside as if it didn't matter. Even though, he never loved me, I loved him and that's going to take more time apparently.
"You were my first love, but you were also my worst love." Three Days Grace.
Never again, will I be made a fool of and never again will I change who I am for someone else.
I am better for it. You setting me free was the kindest thing you ever did because despite all my pain, I am doing well.I have a career that I love. I work for people who appreciate me and accept me as I am. I have a steady income - something we never had. And as it turns out, I have the best friends in the world. You may have cut me off from them and tried to sever my relationships but it didn't work. You didn't break me, I may feel that way at times but deep down, I am not broken and I know it. I sometimes feel like I'm dying without you or that I can't breathe without you. That feeling lasts only a second because you have been gone for months and I haven't died yet, I am still breathing. In fact, I am thriving without you.
I want to hate you but that takes too much energy and a low life like you doesn't deserve that much of my time.
Someday, you will be punished for what you did, how you treated me and the awful things you did but it is not my place to do that. Sometimes, I wish it was but I have faith that you will get what you deserve. You get what you give, just remember that.

New Tattoo

Three years ago, I got my first tattoo. It was a shamrock for my Irish heritage. I loved it, but in recent months I had begun to hate it. It reminded me of a time and a place that I have been working very hard to forget. It was never meant to be symbolic of that time but unfortunately it did. So it was time for the shamrock to go. I had loved it so much but every time I looked at it, I felt sick to my stomach. It brought up feelings of hurt and betrayal. I couldn't look at it anymore. IT HAD TO GO.
I have wanted to get another tattoo for a long time. I always wanted a monarch butterfly. My grandpa loved them and I wanted to get one for him. I just didn't know where I wanted to put it. I decided to cover up the shamrock with the butterfly. I couldn't get a monarch because the orange and white color patterns would never cover the shades of green. I had to pick a different one. I chose one that I liked. Colors that I liked and so the shamrock was covered in a little over an hour.


Before:


After:

The picture of the butterfly was taken about 24 hours after it was done. It's not fully healed and not looking as beautiful as it will in a few more weeks.

(BTW, the new Three Days Grace Album and the new Bif Naked Album are awesome. I am really enjoying how angry they are with whoever pissed them off. Check out "F*ck you 2" by Bif Naked or "Bitter Taste" by Three Days Grace. Actually, it's all good.)

I hate public transportation. Yesterday, I was running a few minutes late and missed my first bus so I had to take the next bus to work. It was running late therefore making me late for work. I am supposed to be at the office about half an hour early. I arrived 15 minutes before the office opened. Not good. I've only had my job a couple weeks. Not really the impression I want to make.
Today, I left my house earlier in hopes of catching first bus and not being late again. I was walking up to the stop, when I watched it drive past me. I missed the first bus. I had to wait 20 minutes for the next one - it too was early. Unfortunately, the public school is taking a group of students on the bus for a field trip. What the eff happened to paying $2 to take a yellow bus? One that was not used for "public transportation."So now I will be standing for 40 minutes all the way to work and while I am standing, I am typing this post via my blackberry - impressive right? I thought so. Now if I can master my ipod at the same time to tune out annoying children I will be set and hopefully not fired for being late the second day in a row.

I LOVE MY NEW JOB! That's all I have to say.

You knocked me down, but you didn't knock me out. I never thought I would be able to get back up without your help. But I did, I jumped up and figured things out for myself. And I am the better for it.
I now have a full time dental assisting job. I'm on my way back up and without your help. I did survive and I did it all by myself. Something I haven't done in a long time and it feels great!

The Zombie Vote

In a zombie apocalypse, what would scare you more:
Zombie giraffes
OR
Zombie flamingos?

Let's take a vote. Comment on which animal would freak you out the most. If you have a different animal that you think would be creepier as a zombie feel free to tell me. For example: zombie cows.

Daughtry Lyrics

I think Chris Daughtry has summed it up! I saw Daughtry perform this song when Spencer and I saw Bon Jovi for my birthday two years ago. Ironic isn't it?

OVER YOU by Daughtry(2005)


Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of meeee

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for meee

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)

I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you

And I never saw it coming
I should have started running
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!

The day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you…

A Day in the Life of Daisy

Daisy is the youngest and smallest member of our family weighing only 1 pound and 12 ounces. She is only ten weeks old but has quite the attitude and leads a very interesting life for a little dog.


Her day begins by being let out of her crate after crying until my mom feels bad enough and lets her out. After this, the big dogs are let out in to the backyard for their morning routine. If you are not careful Daisy and Maggie the Cat will both make a run for the back door. If the cat gets out, she will be gone ALL DAY and then KK will be mad ALL DAY that her cat escaped. We try to avoid this type of incident.
If Daisy escapes she can only run around the deck because her legs are too short to get down the stairs. However, catching her isn't easy either. She has been known to run between your legs like a cartoon character or fake you out by pretending to go in one direction when really she will run in the other direction. Lately, I have compared her to a guinea pig. She is small, with short legs and runs as fast as her little legs will take her.
While the dogs are outside, we make our rounds cleaning up any messes the dogs may have made in the early morning hour. Sometimes, chewed kleenex, shredded plastic bags or food that they have sneaked during the night. For example, Maggie and the dogs were in cahoots the other night and ate an entire bag of turnover cookies. My mom was not impressed to say the least.
Daisy will run to the gigantic water cooler and drink like the big dogs and eat out of their bowls like the big dogs. She does have her own bowl but she prefers to eat there.
Hardwood floors need a ton of sweeping. So, while the big dogs run around outside, bark at the swings, or chase each other we sweep the floors followed by the use of a Swiffer Sweeper. Now, Daisy has a strong distaste for the broom and the Swiffer as she begins to chase the broom and Swiffer, barking and growling. Generally, "terrorizing" the broom and Swiffer like the part Terrior she is.
When the big dogs are ready to come in, they play a game that we like to call "Last one inside gets their face bitten." For some reason, whichever dog is last to come in has to be playfully attacked by the others. I guess, they are like kids in the sense that the last one in is the rotten egg.
There is a hurricane of dogs as they play and begin to dump out their toy bin. Eventually, someone will check the mail and Daisy must follow that person to the front door, then race you back to the living room. If flyers are brought in, Daisy will pull them under the couch and hide them for later in the day.



Around this time, the dogs crash out for a little while. If Grandma comes for a visit, there is another dog hurricane. These dogs will do ANYTHING for Grandma.
Then, they terrrorize the house some more, and wait by the door to play outside. Again, we have to watch out for Daisy and Maggie. Daisy will wait by the door crying and scratching to go out with the big dogs. If someone is dressed for the day, they will take her out to the yard beyond the deck.
When they all come in, Daisy will pull out her hidden flyers and begin to chew them, antagonizing the other dogs to play her game. This is when the Terriors is the house become Terrorists. A whirlwind of dog will sweep the living room, leaving only victims in their path, you know squeak toys, ball, chew toys and anything else they feel they are entitled to (old toothbrushes, ear plugs, lots of dirty socks etc).
After some playing, it's time for another nap. We quickly and quietly clean their mess because they do not like their toys moved.
As the day goes on, Daisy will jump from one person's lap to the other, taking a quick nap but only after licking your entire face.
You can always tell when Daisy is on the move, we put a bell on her. Around dinner time, they all sit in a line, hoping to catch any piece of food that might "accidentally" fall in their direction.
In the evening, Daisy and her mama Ruby like to roll around on the couch, making grunting noises and playfully biting and nipping at each other. Blankets are the victim. They will pull and unfold the blanket, pulling it across the couch and when they are tired, they collapse into a dog pile on the blanket.
This is the spoiled life of our dogs and the daily adventures of a tiny white dog.

Big Decisions

I have the opportunity to apply for an assisting job in the Cayman Islands.
It would be a two year contract with salary, benefits and transportation.
It sounds fun and interesting but I am a very family oriented person. I get home sick very easily.
There is this adventurous part of me that wants to apply for the position. I think it would be a great experience, it would be new and exciting. I could avoid winter for two whole years! It would be like living in a picture. I imagine sipping margaritas on the beach in my free time. Laying in the sun and relaxing. I could live on the beach like I've always wanted. I could wear flip flops all year long. Aside from living in paradise, I would be working in the field that I want, I would be doing what I love most.
I don't own a house, a car or any sort of assets. I have a mountain of credit card debt, a 3 year Blackberry contract and student loans but that's about it.
This is my problem. I am a big chicken, I hate change. When I feel overwhelmed by personal problems, I feel the need to run away from them, avoid them for a little while. Is two years too long to hide from them?
I would miss my family like crazy. I would be lonely without a dog sleeping at the foot of my bed. I would have to make this trip on my own and I'm not sure if that's something I'm ready for. I could end up missing holidays, birthdays and other special occassions. It would be an extra long vacation by myself. I'm really undecided. I am too nervous to even apply. And I'm already stressed that I don't have a passport. My family couldn't afford to come visit me and what if I couldn't get away from work to come see them? This is my problem, I barely know anything about the position and I am already debating "what ifs"
I do think I need a change, a new adventure. But how far am I willing to go? What am I willing to give up? Would I be able to live without my family for two years? I'm really not sure.
I think the first step is to just apply and see where it goes from there. Maybe the position is already filled, who knows? I need to be brave and just apply instead of worrying. I have nothing to worry about until I get a reply.
What do you think? Honest opinions are appreciated please.

My Punishment

I am tired of feeling angry and hurt. I am frustrated and I am bored. I have nothing but time on my hands, so I dwell on everything that has happened to me in the last six weeks. I think I am being punished for the way I've acted in the last three years. I've caused my family a lot of pain and hurt and they are still upset. And they have every right to be because I wasn't a nice person. Being with Spencer changed me into someone that wasn't kind. I don't blame him for it, I made my own choices. I damaged my relationships on my own. I was selfish and I made a lot of mistakes.
My sister is the most angry with me and I deserve it. I deserve every ounce of anger she deals me. I don't blame her for being angry or hurt with me.
I think I lost my job because I was so selfish and I needed to be knocked down.
I think Spencer broke up with me because in a lot of respects, I took advantage of him. We both made mistakes and all I've done is blame him for everything that went wrong. I made mistakes, I am not perfect but I wasn't lying when I said that I tried. I am a very determined person and I don't give up easily. He still needs to own up to his own actions, especially all the lies and deception but I can't make him do anything. He has made that quite obvious. I am hurt by what he has done to me, that's not a lie. He ultimately ended and destroyed the relationship but we had tons of problems. Lots of problems that it took two people to make. Maybe these problems were never meant to be fixed. He denies cheating but he looks pretty damn guilty and I really wonder if he ever did love me at all. I will never know and I just have to let it go. I have to learn how to forgive because this anger is rotting me from the inside out. I am constantly irritated and cranky. I am tired of it.
I am tired of the animosity between my sister and I. I wasn't very nice to her today. I took all my anger and frustration out on her. It wasn't fair. I was wrong.
I don't blame her for being angry with me for moving home, especially after how mean I was today. I let my anger get the better of me.
Everything that has happened to me in the last six weeks is because I was a bad person and karma is kicking my ass, knocking me down. I lost everything important to me because I was stupid and greedy. This is my punishment. I can't find a job because I don't deserve one. Maybe because I was such a bad person, I won't be able to have the things that I want. Maybe because of how I behaved, I will never have my dental assisting job or my Lincoln MKX and beautiful house. I took things for granted and now I am being punished for it.
I can apologize as many times as I want but I can't force someone to forgive me, especially if they are still hurting. It's something that I will have to earn, and I will have to be patient about it. I really never meant to hurt anyone, I just couldn't see anything but myself and especially Spencer. There is nothing that I wouldn't have done for him. I traded my own family for something that turned out to be a bunch of pretty lies.
I was wrong and I am sorry. I don't know what else to say, is there really anything else I can say?
Maybe now, that I've owned up to my actions, karma can stop kicking me in the proverbial teeth because I don't think that I can take much more.

HATE

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
"Hate Me" - Blue October

Have I made myself clear about how angry and hurt I am?
Have I made myself clear that some asshole made a fool of me?
Have I made myself clear that I hate the slut he calls a girlfriend? Sure, I don't know her from a hole in the ground but any woman pathetic enough to steal someone else's man is a slut. I feel sorry for her, clearly she has so little self esteem that she has to take from another woman to make herself feel better. I feel sorry that she couldn't do better than my sloppy seconds. I guess she really is a maggot, preying on my trash and enjoying every second of it. I guess she really doesn't mind eating shit, if she is willing to put up with Spencer and all his bullshit.

I HATE HIM, I HATE WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME. I HATE THE WAY I AM HURTING. I HATE THE WAY HE SMASHED ME INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES AND MADE ME FEEL AS THOUGH THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I HATE HIM FOR TREATING ME AS THOUGH I NEVER MEANT ANYTHING TO HIM. I HATE HIM FOR ALL THE LIES HE TOLD ME. I HATE HIM FOR TELLING ME THAT HE LOVED ME WHEN HE CLEARLY DIDN'T.
AND MOST OF ALL, I HATE FEELING ANGRY ALL THE TIME.

I WANT TO SCREAM.

I WANT TO THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM.

I want him to hurt the way he hurt me. I want him to feel like he lost everything the way he did to me. I want his soul to spend an eternity burning in hell for breaking my heart the way he did. I am so angry with him, did I mention that?
He can tell me as many times as he likes that he didn't cheat, that he was faithful. How can I believe someone who lied to me for the last year? Whatever helps you sleep at night. You are a lying dirtbag who deserves every ounce of pain that karma deals you. You are a scared little boy who knows nothing about love. You wanted something different with someone different and someday you will think of me as the one who got away. Then it will be my turn to haunt your dreams and keep you awake at night, the way you have done to me.
By the way, there isn't enough liquor or sleeping pills to make you forget. I've been trying.
One last thing, Spencer. You never wanted me to hate you, but you failed. You lied, you broke my heart and tossed me aside like garbage. You were cruel and hateful. You made the "break up" process a living nightmare. You want to call the shots, go ahead. Your life wasn't going anywhere before me and I can guarantee that it won't go anywhere now. You are lazy. You have no motivation. You like your stupid car, your illegal drugs, you cigarettes and slutty co-workers. You will never be a professional angler, with a TV show. You will never be a wrestling champ. And when Expedia leaves Arvato, you will be lucky to get your old job back at the grocery store, stocking shelves and playing with fruit in the produce department. Enjoy "Calling the Shots." That's what you wanted, now you've got it.
I may be bossy, and demanding but I always get what I want. It's a little something called determination, something you will never know. I may be down now, but I won't be forever, there is something called an education, something I have. Something you don't have. And when I make $20/hr, I will be sure to tip you for packing my groceries, into my beautiful Lincoln MKX, just don't squish my bread.
You wanted to know how I feel about you, well now you do. This my opinion of you, and your "girlfriend."

YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN AND I WILL CERTAINLY NEVER FORGET HOW YOU TREATED ME.

Dear Spencer

Not that you will ever read this but there are a few things that I need to get off my mind. So here it goes. . .
I can't keep pretending that everything is okay, that I am alright with what has happened because I am not. I can't continue to push my emotions aside, put on a happy face and go about my day like you never existed or that the last three years were pretend. I can't throw my emotions in the trash like I did with some of the things you bought me. I can't burn my emotions the way I burned pictures of us from happier or better times. I can't pack my emotions in a box and tuck them into the back of the closet the way I did with some of the more sentimental items you bought me over the last three years. I am still hurt and angry.
My heart still feels broken, it's slowly repairing and healing itself, just not fast enough. I don't think about you all the time or wonder what if or anything like that but if my mind has a split second to remember you or what we had, my heart rips open again, slowly tearing at the first signs of healing. It tears the first few stitches that have begun to heal my heart, allowing a slow leak of emotions to over power my mind, causing tears to well up in my eyes. I never cry, I push the tears back and reassure myself but the damage has been done. And your memory has poisoned my body, causing all my sadness and hurt to come flooding back in a tidal wave. I feel damaged beyond repair because of how you have hurt me. I know that I will heal, and that I am not damaged beyond repair but that doesn't make what you've done to me hurt any less.
I am angry because you betrayed me. You abused my trust in you and our relationship to play your games. You destroyed the most important thing in our relationship for your own selfish needs. You lied to my face for a year. You put my life, my sister's life and a friend's life in danger for your own entertainment purposes.
I am hurt and overwhelmed with sadness due to the love that we shared and that you threw away like it meant nothing to you. You threw me away like garbage for your own personal gain and didn't care about my feelings or well being. You left me to rot in the home that we shared so you could sleep with someone else. I am hurt because you act like the last three years meant nothing to you. Was it pretend or a game for you? Did you get what you wanted from me? I gave you my body, heart and soul. You were my first love and you threw me away as if I never mattered to you, as if I was just a minor bump in the road. You always meant so much more to me. I loved you more than you will ever know. I loved you more than you ever deserved and apparently you didn't feel the same way. My heart aches and longs for the boy that I fell madly in love with, but he no longer exists or never really existed in the first place. My prince charming never really existed, all I had was a stupid frog pretending to be a prince and lying to my face the entire time. As it turns out, there is no fairy tale ending. There is no prince, just a frog who blindsided me with pretty lies. The truth is always ugly and I never wanted to see it because I loved you with all my heart.
I never expected perfection from you. I am far from perfect. You can call me controlling, bossy, manipulative, whatever you want. I am bossy and stubborn as hell. I have never denied that and I never give up on what I want. So, if that makes me all those things than I guess that's your opinion of me. I can't be blamed for knowing what I want from life, I can't be blamed for being determined enough to get it. And may I remind you had I not been so bossy, you wouldn't have your comfy office job or your pretty car or any other luxuries. I motivated you to get a better job, to become a professional person to get a promotion at work. Everything you have is because of me, because of the lifestyle I wanted us to have and share together.
I am not a perfect person, I have made my share of mistakes but I have always taken responsibility for my actions and I have never lied. Can you really say the same?
If I could go back in time and change things, I would but in the end would it have really changed the outcome? You still would have lied and betrayed my trust in you and our relationship, the only thing that would have changed is the timing. It would have happened sooner or later, I just wish it would have been sooner rather than later. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen in love and devoted every fibre of my being to someone so unworthy.
I can't change what is done, but what I can change is how I feel about you and you make that easier every single day. My heart may ache now, it may long for the boy I once knew but with time and patience and many more journal entries or blog posts I will work through my emotions. I will heal, it will just take time and I will have to learn to be patient. It may not be happening as fast as I like but, it is happening and whether I like it or not I can't hide my emotions any more. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not, it's just not who I am.
You can interpret this anyway you want, you can think that I am hung up on you or can't get over you but it's really not the case. I can't get over the cruel and hurtful person you turned out to be. I can't get over my hurt and anger. It's really all about emotions, not you.
Now that this is off my mind, I can rest peacefully at night without your memory haunting my dreams. This letter to you has made me feel better even if you never read it.

Sincerely,
The Brown Eyed Girl

Actions always speak louder than words

I really don't understand people. I don't understand why certain people need to say or do things just to be hurtful. I can understand if what someone is saying is the truth and it hurts because people never want to hear the truth about themselves but to blatantly lie just to be hurtful is something that I do not understand. Spencer and I had a mutual acquaintance who we have both spoken to since breaking up. This particular person had told me that she was no longer speaking to Spencer because of his new relationship and that she was disgusted with his recent actions. She had confessed to me that she knew something was going on with Spencer and his coworker but didn't say anything to me. I took what she said with a grain of salt because when I had spoken to her, she was really drunk. This person called me the next day at 6:30am. I ignored the call and returned it later in the day at a more appropriate time. She didn't answer so I left a message for her. I didn't hear back from her so I sent her a message on facebook asking if everything was ok because she had called me so early in the morning. She denied ever calling me and said that I was mistaken. Crazy invention called caller ID doesn't seem to lie. She continued to deny ever calling me, I ignored it and shortly after noticed that she deleted me on facebook. I didn't really care until I saw Spencer to finish things up.
This person told everyone that Spencer works with that I was stalking her and I became obsessive with calling and messaging her on facebook. She told people that I was psychotic and that I was intimidating her. I was making her feel uncomfortable and that she was fearful of me because I was a compulsive liar and I couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. WTF????
I don't know if this is exactly what she said to Spencer or if he is making some of this up to hurt me. I don't really care what the people of Arvato Digital Services in this city think of me because I know that this is not what happened. I just don't understand her logic. Obviously, she was the liar because she still does talk to Spencer and she was just playing head games for her own entertainment.
It was hurtful to hear that someone would spread this type of rumor or lie about me. Since Spencer and I broke up I have been as polite as possible with him and his friends or acquaintances and I really have no reason to be, other than the fact that I am a mature adult and I am trying to handle things as maturely as possible. With Spencer, I have had my slip ups, because I am certainly not perfect but if anyone deserves my anger it is him.
When Spencer told me this, I tried not argue it with him because it really isn't worth my time. It's quite clear that this person has nothing better to do with their time than play head games for their own entertainment. I feel bad that this person has nothing in their life or that their own life is so miserable they feel the need to integrate themselves into other people's personal affairs and cause drama.
I don't understand why this person felt the need to be hurtful and say things to the effect of "Your ex girlfriend is psychotic." This really isn't the case and I am sorry that she was too stupid to see that. Clearly, this is the type of person who would much rather enjoy Spencer's company than mine. (I do feel like sending her a message, telling her where to go and how to get there but that would make me no better than her, so I will have to be satisfied with ranting.)
Speaking of Spencer, he felt the need to pick yet another fight with me and then try to blame it on me. I really don't understand his behavior lately either. As I have said before though, he is not the person I knew and whoever he is now is a real jerk. When he tried to fight with me, I said multiple times that I did not want to discuss the topic and that what is done is done. I asked him several times to drop it and leave things alone. When I refused to cooperate, he blackmailed me into telling him what he wanted to hear and then promptly threw a CD at my head. Thankfully, it missed but it was really damn hard not to punch him in the face. I continued to ignore him and that only pissed him off more. He said to me "F*ck you, have a nice life and never speak to me again." I wouldn't have had to speak with him, if he wouldn't have dragged things out for so long. After all this, he takes a moment to tell me that he never cheated on me and he doesn't want me to be upset about something that never happened. He just told me to f*ck off and now he is concerned about my feelings and what I think of him. I said to him, that it didn't matter because I had already made up my mind and that he was talking to a brick wall because nothing he could say would change my mind. I told him that I really didn't care anymore but if telling me once more that he didn't cheat would help him sleep at night then he could continue to talk. He hates me so much but then is concerned about what I think of him. I told him that it didn't matter what he said to me because actions speak louder than words and his actions told me everything that I needed to know. It is not only his actions but the actions of his new girlfriend that make them look beyond guilty to everyone with more than half a brain but I am beginning to think that those two share a brain.
After he left, I cried out of anger and sheer frustration. I am the one who has said from day one let's deal with what needs to be taken care of and we can go our seperate ways. He dragged out for 5 weeks and tells me that I am a manipulative drama queen. UM, who blackmailed who? Who threw a CD? Who felt the need to rehash bullshit? Certainly not me but I am the ultimate drama queen with my head games and power trips. If you ask me, someone needs to get over himself and look in a mirror.
I can honestly say that I am more than relieved to have everything done. I will never have to speak with him again and I no longer have to go to bed frustrated because someone doesn't feel like growing up.
The people of Arvato Digital Services can say what they want, think what they want and and do whatever they want. It just seems that a lot of low life losers work there for a little more than minimum wage and are more than happy with mediocrity. Obviously, these people do not have enough work since they have so much spare time to integrate themselves into other's personal affairs.
Last but certainly not least, as for Spencer telling me that I am slandering him to people in his place of work, this is not the case. I knew one person who worked there, and it is the one person who I mentioned previously in this post. I do not speak with this person anymore and I do not know anyone else he works with and the people I do know I told him I hated when we were still together. So just because we broke up does not mean that I would start talking to them just to spread rumors or lies. I am entitiled to my opinion and that's all I have ever given, here on my blog or anywhere else. I have not posted anything on facebook or messaged anyone. I have ranted and vented my emotions on my blog and that is the extent of it. Who I speak with in my home is my business and if he doesn't like it then tough shit. People will draw their own conclusions from his behavior. If people think that he is a liar or a cheater it's because of his own actions and how suspicious he looked and how guilty he looks now. If he doesn't care about me then why does he care what I think or anyone else for that matter. If he is so happy with his new life, what does it matter what I have to say or what anyone else has to say. And if he emails me again about possible job opportunities, I will tell him to go to hell along with some other catch phrases I have in mind. We are officially done and it couldn't feel better.
Karma has a way of making things right and his time will come. And when it does, I will take great joy in his misery and have no problem rubbing my many successes in his face. I don't care how immature that makes me sound, he deserves that and so much more for the pain and heartache he caused me. I hope one day his heart will shatter into a million tiny pieces, and he will experience every ounce of pain he caused me and then some.
Hopefully, this will be the last time he makes me angry enough to vent or rant on my blog. I really shouldn't be spending this much energy on someone like him. I will never understand why certain people acted out the way that they did or why they felt the need to be as hurtful as they were but it is officially done and over and we can all move on. Thank God, for that!

Overdramatic Princess and I don't mean me

Some people feel the need to be unneccesarily rude. It pisses me off. Take my exboyfriend for example. He feels the need to drag out the rest of our affairs even though we have been broken up for 5 weeks now. He doesn't want me in his life but he won't finish up what needs to be done. How effing annoying. He had the balls to say to me that he wants to call the shots after me doing it for three years. UM, if I was calling the shots how did he manage to cheat and lie??? Answer that one for me. He makes me so damn mad, it's not even funny. I can't wait to be done with his act tomorrow. Honestly, all I have wanted is to finish this up, I don't want to talk to him or chase him down anymore. I did that for three years and I don't want to do this anymore. It was tedious, but I did it because we were in a relationship. Now, we are not anymore, this is not my responsibility. If he could just grow up for another half an hour we could resolve the rest of our problems and be done. But he prefers to drag it out some more and make life hell for the both of us. I wonder how his new girlfriend feels about this. About him texting and talking to me and arguing with me. If he doesn't want me in his life and doesn't want anything to do with me, why does he feel the need to drag this out? Is he really so self centred right now, that he can't even understand why this should be finished up ASAP? Is he so wrapped up with his new life that he can't be bothered to be a grown up for a few minutes longer? He wanted an adult relationship, he wanted all the enjoyable aspects of being an adult but now that the responsibility of being an adult has come along, he can't be bothered to deal with it. He is so immature and self centred right now that I don't even know who he is and the person he has become recently is someone I do not want to know on any level. Thank God, tomorrow, will hopefully be the last time I speak to his royal highness. He has become such an over dramatic diva, that I can't stand even text messaging him. Wish me luck tomorrow.

FML what is wrong with my parents

Interesting conversation this evening. It goes a little something like this.
My mom, Shawn and I were discussing a particularily traumatic event I experienced as a child.
One day, while visiting my grandpa in the hospital, my mom and I became stuck in the room with my grandpa. As my mom and I were about to leave, my grandpa's room mate passed away. We sat there listening to the final moments of this man's life, his family at his bedside crying and praying for him. As my ten year old mind began to process what was going on, my face turned white and I became upset. My mom laughed. (this is the shortened version of what happened)
So my mom was telling this story to Shawn. And it was discussed that Shawn wanted to die in a hospital not at home. This began a quick conversation about the pros and cons of passing away at home versus at a hospital. Well, Shawn wants to pass away in the hospital because it would be easier for my mom in terms of an autopsy and such. My mom said that she wouldn't have an autopsy performed. And this is when Shawn had his Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys moment. He said and I quote "What if I want to donate my shit to science fiction?"
My mom and I laughed. Thus, began another conversation about donating organs and some minor bickering over the organ donation process. FML, what is wrong my parents? I can only begin to imagine what their senior years will be like.

Stop searching. Happiness will come to you.

Lately, I have been doing what I can to keep my mind off of Spencer. I've been going out with friends and trying to move on with my life. To be honest, some days are better than others but I keep going anyways.
I had a very ugly encounter with him today. Things got out of hand over some things that belong to me, that he refuses to give back. In fact, he has taken them to Magot's house so I can't get them. I asked that he return them to me on Tuesday (today now) after he is done work.
Since he is the number one jerk in all of Canada of late, we begin to argue. World War III almost took place, had his mother not stepped in and asked him to leave.
He had the balls to tell me that I'm just jealous that Magot won him and I didn't. Yes, he is quite the smelly, uneducated, rude prize. I said she didn't win, I gave you away. It just got worse from there. I felt the need to insult Magot a lot. He said that I didn't even know her and I said that I didn't have to know her, I am just calling it as I see it and I see trailer park trash. He ended up leaving to pick Magot up from work in "their" car.
He is not the person that I met three years ago at all. I understand that people change and grow but I have no idea what the hell this is or who the hell this is. The person that I knew was kind, caring, generous and so many other great things. This guy is just a jerk.
When this rebound relationship with Magot blows up and it will, he will be sorry and realize the mistake he made. He will realize that he was thinking with the wrong head and made a horrible choice. He will realize that "guess my disease" is not a fun game. He will realize that everyone she slept with, he has just slept with too. He will realize that random sex with a coworker was not a good idea. Sure it might be fun, but was it worth throwing away a three year relationship that actually had meaning? Was it worth tossing aside the one person in the entire world who loved you more than anything or anyone? Was your job worth losing because of something different with someone different? Let's face it, eventually she too will feel betrayed and used. She will want revenge for the heartache he caused and will she act out her plans of revenge? Who knows? But honestly, I'm kind of excited to see how this plays out. The only type of revenge I want is for them to both hurt the way I did. This will happen, justice will be served and all I have to do is be patient and wait for the drunken, middle of the night phone calls where he desperately begs for my forgiveness. This is the time when I can reject him and make him lose any self esteem he had left as he did to me when he smashed my heart in to the dirt.
Anyways,it's way too late to go back, things will never be the same and he will always think of me as the one who got away. I wasn't dumped, I was freed from what could have been an even bigger mistake than it already was. I am a kind, caring, generous, educated, funny and beautiful girl. I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who respects me and wants to be with me for who I am. I deserve someone who will love me as much as I love him.
I did love Spencer with all my heart and as much as one person could possibly love another. I know at one point, he felt the same way whether he admits it or not, however the person I knew is long gone and whoever has replaced him is not a good person. I can live with my actions and choices because even though I am flawed, I was never as cruel as him.
I have moments where I wish I could change things or undo the last three years or even wish that I had never fallen in love but what's done is done. There is no going back but as time passes and he continually makes it easier for me to hate him my heart heals a little bit more.
I don't want to say time heals all wounds because that doesn't help or make you feel better. Telling someone to have patience through their heartache seems impossible to the breaking heart and only frustrates the broken hearted even more. There is truth to it but it just doesn't seem that way at that particular moment.
I found a fortune from a fortune cookie today that I had kept because I loved what it said. It said "Stop searching. Happiness will come to you." I have decided to take that fortune to heart. I think that it is the best advice I have been given since this entire disasater. I loved this fortune when I first cracked it out of a fortune cookie and I love it just as much now. It makes sense, happiness will find you, especially when it is meant to be. I'm not going to talk about fate and God's plan or anything like that because I'm not sure what I believe, all I know is that for once, I received a great piece of advice from an otherwise ordinary cookie. As I was rereading my long lost fortune cookie, I realized that I deserve all the happiness in the world and as I piece my life back together this will happen for me.
But for now its almost 4am and I need to stop blogging in the middle of the night because they become really long rants. So, please enjoy the fortune cookie advice as much as I have.

I can't think of a title for this post

Never in a million years did I think that I would be having this much fun with Chris. As kids, we were constantly at each other's throats. He would get us into trouble and I would be the tattle tale. I was always afraid of getting in trouble and I couldn't lie to save my life. I still can't tell a lie.
Therefore, he despised me for being a snitch. I despised him because he was always causing trouble. He would be grounded for what seemed like an eternity, while I would be out the very next day. He hated me for that too. He and KK would be two peas in a pod while I was the odd man out.
I used to dread Chris coming over. Now I secretly look forward to his "day visits" by this he means he will be here the entire weekend. We don't get each other into trouble now and he helps me tease my baby sisters, which is an entertaining aspect of being home again. He also spies on them with me and then we gossip a little bit. Telling each other secrets as if we are little kids all over again. He has been helpful in keeping my mind off of recent events, it's been nice. For a short while, I can forget about everything that turned my entire world upside down and changed everything I have known for the last three years. He can temporarily make me forget all of this and I'm not just talking about getting me piss loaded on a regular basis as of late. It turns out, that there just isn't enough liquor to complete that task but we try. He is much funnier than I remember, and it seems that we enjoy each other's company for once. We don't want to cause bodily harm to one another. That too, is nice.
Anyways, I secretly hope he plans on sticking around a little while longer or at least until we annoy each other. Actually, I'm sure he will be around for a bit or at least until I get a job because I will have to return the favor of getting him drunk three weeks in a row. (Thank God, I am Irish and German or my liver may have failed me by now)

The Death of my Relationship

Since Spencer and I broke up, I have been analyzing and reanalyzing the few days before our break up. I think I have pieced together the entire puzzle that had me blind sided and devestated when this all fell apart. Looking back, I should have seen the signs and called it quits before he had the chance to rip my heart out. But I was so wrapped up in the current fight we were having, that I wasn't paying attention to all the little clues that should have tipped me off as to what he was up to those days that he was missing. I guess for someone with two college diplomas I should pay a little more attention to detail. But as I had mentioned before I was so confident in him and our relationship that I trusted him completely. That was my downfall, I was too trusting and never questioned him.
I haven't slept much since we broke up because I've been too wrapped up in figuring out where things went wrong. Trying to decipher why he wouldn't want me or what is wrong with me and I have come to a conclusion. There is nothing wrong with me, he's the idiot who let me go. I am not saying that I do not have flaws because we all do but in terms of girlfriend material he should kiss the ground that I walk on for putting up with him and his bullshit.
I figured out what changed his mind about me and who to blame. Yes, we were having problems, serious problems but it wasn't anything new and we always found a way to work them out. We were strong believers in that whole love conquers all nonsense. I guess that because he was my first love and I was his, we thought we could fix anything because we loved each other that much. It turns out that we were wrong, love can't conquer all and you do need more than love.
He has a friend from work who is married and decided in the five minutes we spent together that he didn't like me. His wife knew that there was friction between us and whether she knew all the details or not I will never know. She has a friend named Megan (Magot, if you read my comment from yesterday's post). Magot is the same age as Spencer and they do have more in common than Spencer and I did but it did not give her the right to play matchmaker. The wife knew that Magot had a crush on Spencer and that maybe with some persuasion he could or would change his mind due to the difficulties our relationship was having. Spencer and I were both doubting our relationship but we had discussed this with each other and made a commitment to try to solve our problems rather than walking away and throwing away the last three years.
It seems as though, every time Spencer went to the couple's house Magot would suddenly and magically appear. It seems as though, she valued her husband's opinion of me rather than making her own judgement and began to play matchmaker. She knew of his doubts and played on his emotions. She wanted another couple to spend time with and because they didn't like me it was time to change that. The wife wanted to see her best friend Magot happy and rather than telling Spencer to go home and work things out or end things she continued to invite Magot over every single time Spencer spent time with the husband. I am not blaming this all on the actions of the three people who should be advocates for that Ashley Madison dating/cheating on your partner service. Spencer needs to take responsibility for his actions in all of this but I feel as though the three advocates abused his trust in them as friends and used his vulnerability to their advantage so that their good friend Magot would have a partner too.
It seems as though, they told him what they thought was best based on the fact that Magot wanted a man. They were never my friends so what do they care if I am hurting right?
Spencer was fully aware of his actions and I hold him responsible for the death of our relationship. I do blame him for giving up, and I hate him for the poor choices he made. I hate him for hurting me so badly and breaking his promise of never hurting me this way. I worked so hard, and devoted everything in me to our relationship. I knew what our problem areas were and I was willing to keep working on them because I am stubborn as hell. I don't give up easily and I won't go down without a fight over something so important to me. Apparently, he didn't feel the same way and I had been fighting for a lost cause for a long time before he said anything. It breaks my heart to finally see him for the person he has become in these last few weeks before the demise of our relationship. When I think about it, it breaks my heart all over again and pulls at the stitches in my chest that are trying to heal and keep what is left of my heart intact.
He won't admit to cheating on me but all the signs were there. He swears on his life he wasn't with Magot in any romantic or intimate form while we were together but how can I believe him? How can I trust his word when he abused my trust in the first place? He knew I was stressed over losing my job and our relationship problems and used my vulnerability to his advantage. He knew I was willing to do anything to save our relationship and he used me as a door mat. He thought he could get away with his sneaky and deceiving ways. He thought he could have his cake and eat it too. When I questioned his recent behavior it caused a huge fight that made him disappear for an entire weekend and I knew then, that there was nothing left to salvage.
Logically and rationally I knew it was over and that part of me started packing my things. However my emotions and my heart got in the way and I held out hope. I hoped he would come home and apologize. I hoped that I was wrong about him and just being paranoid or jealous of the time he was spending away from me. I hoped that the last three years meant as much to him as they did to me. I was wrong because if he felt the same way he wouldn't have acted the way he did and he wouldn't have given up so easily.
The temptation of greener grass was just too much for him to handle and he needed to find out if the grass was really greener. I do wonder though, if he ever thinks he made a mistake and is afraid to admit it. Afraid to admit to what he has done and take responsibility for his actions. I wonder if he misses me or thinks about me at all, the way I think about him and what happened to our relationship. Eventually, this will pass and I will stop wondering and questioning and obsessing over that specific time period. I will remember the better times and cherish them. I will stop wondering if it was all a lie and just enjoy the memories of fun and laughter we shared together in those three years. However at this moment that seems impossible.

Traffic Stopping Hot

Since I broke up with Spencer, I haven't felt like eating. I just haven't been hungry. So thanks to my heartache I am fitting into some of my old jeans. We all know that love makes you fat and break ups make you skinny. Anyways, I put on some old jeans today and thought to myself "Damn, I look good."
The world has taken notice because as I was waiting for the bus to meet up with my friends, a guy stopped his car to talk to me. He held up traffic on one of the busiest streets in the city to ask for my number and if I would like to have dinner with him sometime.
As flattered as I was I declined. He asked why and I said "Oh I have a boyfriend." I don't feel ready to date yet and I really wasn't interested in this guy. And of course, I couldn't tell a complete stranger my entire life story. He turned to me and said "Well, that's too bad for me but tell your man he is the luckiest man in the entire world to have someone as beautiful as you in his life." He told me that I was so good looking that he wouldn't let me go out alone because he would worry that someone would try to steal me away.
It was a cheesy pick up, but it still made me feel good. It was nice to hear how beautiful I am. It was even better that I am looking so good these days that I can stop traffic. Can we say the same about Spencer? Hmm, nope. He has stopped showering and wearing clean clothes.
I am going to call Spencer and tell him what he has lost. He wants to be my friend and wants to tell me about his new girlfriend, well I can tell him how I stopped traffic. And how he was an idiot to let me go. His loss will be someone else's gain.

I was so drunk. And happy.

My 22nd birthday was a blast. I had a great time at the bar with my friends who helped me become a stumbling drunk.
But before we get to that...
Spencer's sister came over and painted my nails, then she took me out to dinner.I am glad that I didn't have to break up with her because she has been a great friend and has been really helpful in the last few weeks.
After dinner, we went to my favorite bar - Dallas. It's a country bar but it seems to be the place where all the people my age hang out. We had to arrive early because my sister came with us and although she is legal drinking age, Saturday night at Dallas is 21+, we used our connections to beat the line, and avoid paying the cover charge. I have to admit, it was weird paying for my own drinks and coat check when Spencer used to do that for me. It's the first time in 3 years that I have had to do that and it feels good.
We were there early, so it took a while for my friends to show up but in the meantime, I managed to make some new ones who bought me drinks for my birthday. And asked for my number which they did not get. As my friends began to arrive, they started buying me drinks. By the end of the night, I had drank myself stupid with 5 gin and cranberry, 10 vodka and cranberry and one pornstar shooter. I had also made a new friend through one of my friends who was a shady character that I drunkenly reported to security. We suspected the drinks he bought us were tainted so we ditched him and the free drinks. We didn't see him again and we were thankful.
By 3am, my cousin Chris and I were outside stumbling around for a cab. My feet were killing me as a spiked heel was not the best choice in terms of shoes.( In my defense, we usually get a table at Dallas but it seemed extra busy and impossible to find a table.) I tried walking in my shoes as we stumbled along trying to find our way home but it was pointless because my feet hurt so badly that I could barely walk. When you are that drunk, you always seem to take the long way home, you know walking in zig zag type of stumble. After two blocks of walking in my socks, I flagged a cab. Chris was not pleased to be coming home - he wanted to keep the party going. I told him to stay but he followed me home anyways. He's is older than me and we grew up together so he is more like a brother. An annoying younger brother but I enjoy my time with him anyways.
I arrived home to tell drunken tales to my parents and eat. I tried eating some plain bread because trying make something seemed like too much work. I ended up feeding the dogs my bread. Throwing pieces at them as if they were pigeons.
Finally, I stumbled up the extremely steep stairs to my bed. Only to have a wicked hangover which I very rarely get after a night of drinking. Due to lack of sleep, I laid in bed most of Sunday.
It wasn't an extravagant event the way Spencer always plans but it was just as much fun, if not more.

Over the last week or so, I have been more than heartbroken. However, that being said he keeps making it easier for me to get over him.
We are finishing up the last of our issues.
As the days continue, I learn more about what he has hid from me in the last year particularily. It breaks my heart and makes me question who I was with for the last three years. I wonder who he really is or if he has just changed that much in three years. How did I not notice these things? Maybe it was because I was so completely in love that I wasn't paying attention to how he was changing. How he was growing away from me.
I will always have a weak spot for Spencer because he was my first true love but after his recent confessions, there is no possible way to fix things.
I don't understand how he could hurt me this way, especially when he was so in love with me. I was his Queen. I was the center of his universe and somewhere along the way that changed and it took me a long time to realize that fact.
I don't think I could ever forgive him. It hurts that much, what he has done.
How can someone change that much right in front of you? How did I not notice?
How did I not know what was going on?
I was too trusting. And I was right to be, but he abused my trust and confidence in him and our relationship.
Spencer was a big part of my life for a long time. But he was just one chapter in my fairytale. He is certainly not the end.

Unfortunately I woke up this morning

When I wake up alone, the shock and realization that my relationship with Spencer is over hits me in the face. That probably hurts the most. Waking up by yourself after sleeping next to someone for almost two years. It makes you feel lonely and sad. All the pain and the hurt come flooding back. And when you get hit with that much pain it makes you wonder why you woke up in the first place.
Going to bed alone hurts too. But if I keep myself awake long enough, eventually my eyelids just flutter close and I sleep for ten hours or more.
If I can keep my mind distracted until the inevitable fluttering of my eyelids then it has been a good day and I don't dwell on how much I miss Spencer even though he broke my heart.

I still feel heartbroken and miserable. My heart is aching and Spencer seems to not care at all. Everyone keeps saying that men and women show emotion differently and with time, his heart will ache too. I want it to ache now, the way mine is, I want him to hurt as bad as I do.
I want him to shed as many tears as I have.
I want to feel better. I want to stop feeling this way. I want the feeling of drowning in misery to disappear.
I try to keep busy and keep my mind off of this but somehow, I always wander back to the heartache. I don't care that time heals all wounds, I have no patience.
I think of all the plans we made for the upcoming months and everything he said to me in the last few days before he shattered my heart into a million little pieces and none of it makes sense. No one understands why he decided to break my heart. No one can help me feel better and sometimes I think that there isn't enough glue in the world to repair the damage he has done to my heart.
I want to hate him so that maybe this would be easier but for some reason, after all of this I don't hate him.
All I know is that Saturday is my birthday and I plan on celebrating it the way it was originally planned just minus my date. I have to feel better by then, I have no choice. I refuse to cancel my plans because of him. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing just how hurt I am.

10 Days

All it takes is about ten days for everything in your life to fall apart. 10 days to watch your world come tumbling down.
It all started last friday when I had the most humiliating doctor's appointment of my life. It was a physical and something I don't feel like digging back up. It was a complete violation of doctor - patient trust, to say the least.
I come home from my terrifying experience to receive a phone call from the dental office I worked at. They are letting me go. Apparently I asked too many questions about where things were in the office.I had only worked there a total of 40 hours. It is impossible to know everything there is to know in that little time period.
Next on my list of earth shattering disaster. Spencer and I had been having some problems that we were trying to work on or I was at least. I don't know about him anymore. He spends the entire weekend avoiding me. Finally, he comes home Sunday night so we can fight for an hour, then leaves again.
He returns home on Tuesday, only to break up with me. He tossed me aside like garbage and I mean that in a literal sense because on his street, Tuesday is garbage night.
I started packing to move home. I moved into the "cat room" because the 3 cats had pretty much taken over the room.
My sister KK is less than thrilled to have me home. This is the politest way I can think of saying it.
After being home a few days, my littlest sister blurted out that my guinea pig had died too.
Last but certainly not least, my cousin and I took KK out for her 19th birthday last night. Along my drunken travels at the bar I managed to step in puke that wasn't mine.
People keep telling me that things will get better, time heals all wounds. I'm sick of hearing that already. I feel at times that I may be drowning in my own misery because it seems as though Spencer has moved on already. I'm stuck here crying my eyes out trying to figure out how last thursday he told me he loved me so much that there were not enough stars in the sky to show me how much he loves me and now this. It doesn't make sense. He wants to be my friend. I don't want to be his friend, I want to be his girlfriend. He promised me forever but I suppose my expiry date was three years. Someone should warn his next girlfriend that there is a time limit for his love. I asked him if the last three years were just pretend for him and his response was that he loved me more than he thought humanly possible, that he will never love someone the same way he loved me. It's just not working for him and he is tired of trying. He never tried to fix things in the first place. He has been giving me a hard time about resolvong the financial issues we had together. He is getting pissed off because I won't stop calling him - I wouldn't have to call him if he would grow up and help me take care of these debts. We have taken care of the cell phone bill issue but the credit cards are a seperate issue he is refusing to help with when less than a week ago after I lost my job he promised to take care of me. My prince charming is not so much a prince charming but rather an immature jerk of late. I know that he says he is trying to be civil but answer my damn calls and I wouldn't have to call so many times that it borderlines on stalking. I just don't need to be arrested this week as well. So we agreed upon a few things and I will wait until midweek to hear from him and if I don't then I will call. He has at least agreed to move the rest of my things home for me.
I just wish that there was a way to skip past all this heartache. No one will let me live in a drug induced coma. And my mom keeps making me get out of bed all the time. Everything that I own or most of it anyways he bought for me, everything is a constant reminder of him. And I hate that the most.
I don't want to be told how time heals all wounds or this is for the best or any other cliche crap. It doesn't change the fact that I still love him, even though he doesn't deserve it. He was my first love. He promised happily ever after and I fell for it. I'm sure that eventually I will heal and this will be a learning experience, it just doesn't feel that way right now.

The Value of "X" with Telus

I have been a loyal Telus customer for over 3 years now and I have never had a problem except for the last two months. Last month you "accidentally" programmed my fav five numbers incorecctly so every time I called my mom I was charge 0.35/min. Do you know how many times a month I call my mom and for how long I talk to her? Well it was a pricey mistake that you only credited me $17 for, and for some stupid reason I was satisfied with that.
In January, I added Spencer to my account. Our phone bills were supposed to be only $65 a month each and we would have to pay a one time fee of $35 to activate his phone with Telus. So please tell me how this adds up to $251.57.
Let's do some bsaic math.
$65
$65
+$35
= $165 plus 13% tax, that should total around $186.45
Hmm, something definately does not add up, now does it? That's a difference of $65.12
Basic math people, basic math.
I called this morning to complain. Well, they are telling me that I have to pay a one month advance on Spencer's bill because he is a new customer. Well, when we added him to my account last month, no one informed me that in the month of February we would be financially raped. I complained until they credited me $45. So now I only owe $206.57. Where the hell are they getting these numbers from????? She also told me that there was a $10 charge for changing my rate plan midmonth or mid-billing cycle. Again, a mystery charge I was not aware of...thanks for explaining to me that I would be charged an additional $45 for your fingers to type some information on a computer.
Back to the basic math $175 for the two phones, activation charge and rate plan change fee. (Bullsh*t fee is what I'm calling it, as I angrily type this morning) plus tax should total $197.75.
I don't understand how Telus does math but this is the way I was taught and used successfully through elementary school, high school, and college(twice). This type of math has never steered me wrong before, so why now? The only answer I can come up with is that this is an Algebra question in which I have not found the value of "X" but Telus like my grade nine teacher won't help me with the equation.
I am not done with them yet, I am going to let Spencer loose on them. He won't give up as easily as I did. I only gave up because of their "answers" that wound up confusing me more than I was to begin with when I called in the first place.
I'm still not paying $206.57 for two phones that are supposed to be $65 a month. They can do something rude with their bill.

I am officially no longer an employee of my crappy retail job. I gave my notice of resignation over a week ago. It was quite possibly the happiest day of my life. I was beaming when I handed in my letter. Grinning from ear to ear. I was so happy, that I couldn't contain myself. I finally have a job in dental assisting and I will hopefully never have to work in retail again.

I had to call the Government of Canada today and complete a change of address. I never realized how complicated a process it could be. First of all they encourage you to complete this task online however, in order to do that you must know all your tax information from the previous year. This is something that I most definitely do not know off the top of my head and to be quite honest I am not sure where my tax returns are. I have an idea of where it could be and it is most likely there but I don't feel like digging a box out of my closet and sorting through "important" paperwork. Well, when I tried to complete it online, the website crashed and I was unable to do anything anyways.
So I tried calling the numbers that were listed on a form I had received from the Government. The first number was an automated answering machine that gave me many options, however not one of them was able to complete the task needed which was a simple change of address.
The second number, was a direct number to a human being! I couldn't believe it. But as luck would have it - the answer machine answered my call saying that no one was available to take my call. At this point, I could have screamed. Screamed my lungs out until all the windows in the house shattered but I didn't.
I waited a few minutes and tried calling the number for the human being yet again. Finally someone answered and was able to help me. The best part, I didn't need any of my tax return information as requested on their website. I answered a few simple questions and in a few short minutes, my address was changed.
I really don't understand why the Government feels the need to make everything so complicated. I have a theory that they do it this way simply to drive us all insane. I would say that it is "like pulling teeth" but I have assisted in that procedure and let me tell you, pulling teeth is a lot less complicated and much faster than having to deal with the Government.
After half an hour or more, a simple address change was completed, that's all I needed, all I asked for and it was more complicated than almost anything I have ever done.