I think Chris Daughtry has summed it up! I saw Daughtry perform this song when Spencer and I saw Bon Jovi for my birthday two years ago. Ironic isn't it?
OVER YOU by Daughtry(2005)
Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of meeee
(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)
You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for meee
(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)
I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
And I never saw it coming
I should have started running
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!
The day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you…
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
A Day in the Life of Daisy
Daisy is the youngest and smallest member of our family weighing only 1 pound and 12 ounces. She is only ten weeks old but has quite the attitude and leads a very interesting life for a little dog.
Her day begins by being let out of her crate after crying until my mom feels bad enough and lets her out. After this, the big dogs are let out in to the backyard for their morning routine. If you are not careful Daisy and Maggie the Cat will both make a run for the back door. If the cat gets out, she will be gone ALL DAY and then KK will be mad ALL DAY that her cat escaped. We try to avoid this type of incident.
If Daisy escapes she can only run around the deck because her legs are too short to get down the stairs. However, catching her isn't easy either. She has been known to run between your legs like a cartoon character or fake you out by pretending to go in one direction when really she will run in the other direction. Lately, I have compared her to a guinea pig. She is small, with short legs and runs as fast as her little legs will take her.
While the dogs are outside, we make our rounds cleaning up any messes the dogs may have made in the early morning hour. Sometimes, chewed kleenex, shredded plastic bags or food that they have sneaked during the night. For example, Maggie and the dogs were in cahoots the other night and ate an entire bag of turnover cookies. My mom was not impressed to say the least.
Daisy will run to the gigantic water cooler and drink like the big dogs and eat out of their bowls like the big dogs. She does have her own bowl but she prefers to eat there.
Hardwood floors need a ton of sweeping. So, while the big dogs run around outside, bark at the swings, or chase each other we sweep the floors followed by the use of a Swiffer Sweeper. Now, Daisy has a strong distaste for the broom and the Swiffer as she begins to chase the broom and Swiffer, barking and growling. Generally, "terrorizing" the broom and Swiffer like the part Terrior she is.
When the big dogs are ready to come in, they play a game that we like to call "Last one inside gets their face bitten." For some reason, whichever dog is last to come in has to be playfully attacked by the others. I guess, they are like kids in the sense that the last one in is the rotten egg.
There is a hurricane of dogs as they play and begin to dump out their toy bin. Eventually, someone will check the mail and Daisy must follow that person to the front door, then race you back to the living room. If flyers are brought in, Daisy will pull them under the couch and hide them for later in the day.
Around this time, the dogs crash out for a little while. If Grandma comes for a visit, there is another dog hurricane. These dogs will do ANYTHING for Grandma.
Then, they terrrorize the house some more, and wait by the door to play outside. Again, we have to watch out for Daisy and Maggie. Daisy will wait by the door crying and scratching to go out with the big dogs. If someone is dressed for the day, they will take her out to the yard beyond the deck.
When they all come in, Daisy will pull out her hidden flyers and begin to chew them, antagonizing the other dogs to play her game. This is when the Terriors is the house become Terrorists. A whirlwind of dog will sweep the living room, leaving only victims in their path, you know squeak toys, ball, chew toys and anything else they feel they are entitled to (old toothbrushes, ear plugs, lots of dirty socks etc).
After some playing, it's time for another nap. We quickly and quietly clean their mess because they do not like their toys moved.
As the day goes on, Daisy will jump from one person's lap to the other, taking a quick nap but only after licking your entire face.
You can always tell when Daisy is on the move, we put a bell on her. Around dinner time, they all sit in a line, hoping to catch any piece of food that might "accidentally" fall in their direction.
In the evening, Daisy and her mama Ruby like to roll around on the couch, making grunting noises and playfully biting and nipping at each other. Blankets are the victim. They will pull and unfold the blanket, pulling it across the couch and when they are tired, they collapse into a dog pile on the blanket.
This is the spoiled life of our dogs and the daily adventures of a tiny white dog.
Her day begins by being let out of her crate after crying until my mom feels bad enough and lets her out. After this, the big dogs are let out in to the backyard for their morning routine. If you are not careful Daisy and Maggie the Cat will both make a run for the back door. If the cat gets out, she will be gone ALL DAY and then KK will be mad ALL DAY that her cat escaped. We try to avoid this type of incident.
If Daisy escapes she can only run around the deck because her legs are too short to get down the stairs. However, catching her isn't easy either. She has been known to run between your legs like a cartoon character or fake you out by pretending to go in one direction when really she will run in the other direction. Lately, I have compared her to a guinea pig. She is small, with short legs and runs as fast as her little legs will take her.
While the dogs are outside, we make our rounds cleaning up any messes the dogs may have made in the early morning hour. Sometimes, chewed kleenex, shredded plastic bags or food that they have sneaked during the night. For example, Maggie and the dogs were in cahoots the other night and ate an entire bag of turnover cookies. My mom was not impressed to say the least.
Daisy will run to the gigantic water cooler and drink like the big dogs and eat out of their bowls like the big dogs. She does have her own bowl but she prefers to eat there.
Hardwood floors need a ton of sweeping. So, while the big dogs run around outside, bark at the swings, or chase each other we sweep the floors followed by the use of a Swiffer Sweeper. Now, Daisy has a strong distaste for the broom and the Swiffer as she begins to chase the broom and Swiffer, barking and growling. Generally, "terrorizing" the broom and Swiffer like the part Terrior she is.
When the big dogs are ready to come in, they play a game that we like to call "Last one inside gets their face bitten." For some reason, whichever dog is last to come in has to be playfully attacked by the others. I guess, they are like kids in the sense that the last one in is the rotten egg.
There is a hurricane of dogs as they play and begin to dump out their toy bin. Eventually, someone will check the mail and Daisy must follow that person to the front door, then race you back to the living room. If flyers are brought in, Daisy will pull them under the couch and hide them for later in the day.
Around this time, the dogs crash out for a little while. If Grandma comes for a visit, there is another dog hurricane. These dogs will do ANYTHING for Grandma.
Then, they terrrorize the house some more, and wait by the door to play outside. Again, we have to watch out for Daisy and Maggie. Daisy will wait by the door crying and scratching to go out with the big dogs. If someone is dressed for the day, they will take her out to the yard beyond the deck.
When they all come in, Daisy will pull out her hidden flyers and begin to chew them, antagonizing the other dogs to play her game. This is when the Terriors is the house become Terrorists. A whirlwind of dog will sweep the living room, leaving only victims in their path, you know squeak toys, ball, chew toys and anything else they feel they are entitled to (old toothbrushes, ear plugs, lots of dirty socks etc).
After some playing, it's time for another nap. We quickly and quietly clean their mess because they do not like their toys moved.
As the day goes on, Daisy will jump from one person's lap to the other, taking a quick nap but only after licking your entire face.
You can always tell when Daisy is on the move, we put a bell on her. Around dinner time, they all sit in a line, hoping to catch any piece of food that might "accidentally" fall in their direction.
In the evening, Daisy and her mama Ruby like to roll around on the couch, making grunting noises and playfully biting and nipping at each other. Blankets are the victim. They will pull and unfold the blanket, pulling it across the couch and when they are tired, they collapse into a dog pile on the blanket.
This is the spoiled life of our dogs and the daily adventures of a tiny white dog.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Big Decisions
I have the opportunity to apply for an assisting job in the Cayman Islands.
It would be a two year contract with salary, benefits and transportation.
It sounds fun and interesting but I am a very family oriented person. I get home sick very easily.
There is this adventurous part of me that wants to apply for the position. I think it would be a great experience, it would be new and exciting. I could avoid winter for two whole years! It would be like living in a picture. I imagine sipping margaritas on the beach in my free time. Laying in the sun and relaxing. I could live on the beach like I've always wanted. I could wear flip flops all year long. Aside from living in paradise, I would be working in the field that I want, I would be doing what I love most.
I don't own a house, a car or any sort of assets. I have a mountain of credit card debt, a 3 year Blackberry contract and student loans but that's about it.
This is my problem. I am a big chicken, I hate change. When I feel overwhelmed by personal problems, I feel the need to run away from them, avoid them for a little while. Is two years too long to hide from them?
I would miss my family like crazy. I would be lonely without a dog sleeping at the foot of my bed. I would have to make this trip on my own and I'm not sure if that's something I'm ready for. I could end up missing holidays, birthdays and other special occassions. It would be an extra long vacation by myself. I'm really undecided. I am too nervous to even apply. And I'm already stressed that I don't have a passport. My family couldn't afford to come visit me and what if I couldn't get away from work to come see them? This is my problem, I barely know anything about the position and I am already debating "what ifs"
I do think I need a change, a new adventure. But how far am I willing to go? What am I willing to give up? Would I be able to live without my family for two years? I'm really not sure.
I think the first step is to just apply and see where it goes from there. Maybe the position is already filled, who knows? I need to be brave and just apply instead of worrying. I have nothing to worry about until I get a reply.
What do you think? Honest opinions are appreciated please.
It would be a two year contract with salary, benefits and transportation.
It sounds fun and interesting but I am a very family oriented person. I get home sick very easily.
There is this adventurous part of me that wants to apply for the position. I think it would be a great experience, it would be new and exciting. I could avoid winter for two whole years! It would be like living in a picture. I imagine sipping margaritas on the beach in my free time. Laying in the sun and relaxing. I could live on the beach like I've always wanted. I could wear flip flops all year long. Aside from living in paradise, I would be working in the field that I want, I would be doing what I love most.
I don't own a house, a car or any sort of assets. I have a mountain of credit card debt, a 3 year Blackberry contract and student loans but that's about it.
This is my problem. I am a big chicken, I hate change. When I feel overwhelmed by personal problems, I feel the need to run away from them, avoid them for a little while. Is two years too long to hide from them?
I would miss my family like crazy. I would be lonely without a dog sleeping at the foot of my bed. I would have to make this trip on my own and I'm not sure if that's something I'm ready for. I could end up missing holidays, birthdays and other special occassions. It would be an extra long vacation by myself. I'm really undecided. I am too nervous to even apply. And I'm already stressed that I don't have a passport. My family couldn't afford to come visit me and what if I couldn't get away from work to come see them? This is my problem, I barely know anything about the position and I am already debating "what ifs"
I do think I need a change, a new adventure. But how far am I willing to go? What am I willing to give up? Would I be able to live without my family for two years? I'm really not sure.
I think the first step is to just apply and see where it goes from there. Maybe the position is already filled, who knows? I need to be brave and just apply instead of worrying. I have nothing to worry about until I get a reply.
What do you think? Honest opinions are appreciated please.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
My Punishment
I am tired of feeling angry and hurt. I am frustrated and I am bored. I have nothing but time on my hands, so I dwell on everything that has happened to me in the last six weeks. I think I am being punished for the way I've acted in the last three years. I've caused my family a lot of pain and hurt and they are still upset. And they have every right to be because I wasn't a nice person. Being with Spencer changed me into someone that wasn't kind. I don't blame him for it, I made my own choices. I damaged my relationships on my own. I was selfish and I made a lot of mistakes.
My sister is the most angry with me and I deserve it. I deserve every ounce of anger she deals me. I don't blame her for being angry or hurt with me.
I think I lost my job because I was so selfish and I needed to be knocked down.
I think Spencer broke up with me because in a lot of respects, I took advantage of him. We both made mistakes and all I've done is blame him for everything that went wrong. I made mistakes, I am not perfect but I wasn't lying when I said that I tried. I am a very determined person and I don't give up easily. He still needs to own up to his own actions, especially all the lies and deception but I can't make him do anything. He has made that quite obvious. I am hurt by what he has done to me, that's not a lie. He ultimately ended and destroyed the relationship but we had tons of problems. Lots of problems that it took two people to make. Maybe these problems were never meant to be fixed. He denies cheating but he looks pretty damn guilty and I really wonder if he ever did love me at all. I will never know and I just have to let it go. I have to learn how to forgive because this anger is rotting me from the inside out. I am constantly irritated and cranky. I am tired of it.
I am tired of the animosity between my sister and I. I wasn't very nice to her today. I took all my anger and frustration out on her. It wasn't fair. I was wrong.
I don't blame her for being angry with me for moving home, especially after how mean I was today. I let my anger get the better of me.
Everything that has happened to me in the last six weeks is because I was a bad person and karma is kicking my ass, knocking me down. I lost everything important to me because I was stupid and greedy. This is my punishment. I can't find a job because I don't deserve one. Maybe because I was such a bad person, I won't be able to have the things that I want. Maybe because of how I behaved, I will never have my dental assisting job or my Lincoln MKX and beautiful house. I took things for granted and now I am being punished for it.
I can apologize as many times as I want but I can't force someone to forgive me, especially if they are still hurting. It's something that I will have to earn, and I will have to be patient about it. I really never meant to hurt anyone, I just couldn't see anything but myself and especially Spencer. There is nothing that I wouldn't have done for him. I traded my own family for something that turned out to be a bunch of pretty lies.
I was wrong and I am sorry. I don't know what else to say, is there really anything else I can say?
Maybe now, that I've owned up to my actions, karma can stop kicking me in the proverbial teeth because I don't think that I can take much more.
My sister is the most angry with me and I deserve it. I deserve every ounce of anger she deals me. I don't blame her for being angry or hurt with me.
I think I lost my job because I was so selfish and I needed to be knocked down.
I think Spencer broke up with me because in a lot of respects, I took advantage of him. We both made mistakes and all I've done is blame him for everything that went wrong. I made mistakes, I am not perfect but I wasn't lying when I said that I tried. I am a very determined person and I don't give up easily. He still needs to own up to his own actions, especially all the lies and deception but I can't make him do anything. He has made that quite obvious. I am hurt by what he has done to me, that's not a lie. He ultimately ended and destroyed the relationship but we had tons of problems. Lots of problems that it took two people to make. Maybe these problems were never meant to be fixed. He denies cheating but he looks pretty damn guilty and I really wonder if he ever did love me at all. I will never know and I just have to let it go. I have to learn how to forgive because this anger is rotting me from the inside out. I am constantly irritated and cranky. I am tired of it.
I am tired of the animosity between my sister and I. I wasn't very nice to her today. I took all my anger and frustration out on her. It wasn't fair. I was wrong.
I don't blame her for being angry with me for moving home, especially after how mean I was today. I let my anger get the better of me.
Everything that has happened to me in the last six weeks is because I was a bad person and karma is kicking my ass, knocking me down. I lost everything important to me because I was stupid and greedy. This is my punishment. I can't find a job because I don't deserve one. Maybe because I was such a bad person, I won't be able to have the things that I want. Maybe because of how I behaved, I will never have my dental assisting job or my Lincoln MKX and beautiful house. I took things for granted and now I am being punished for it.
I can apologize as many times as I want but I can't force someone to forgive me, especially if they are still hurting. It's something that I will have to earn, and I will have to be patient about it. I really never meant to hurt anyone, I just couldn't see anything but myself and especially Spencer. There is nothing that I wouldn't have done for him. I traded my own family for something that turned out to be a bunch of pretty lies.
I was wrong and I am sorry. I don't know what else to say, is there really anything else I can say?
Maybe now, that I've owned up to my actions, karma can stop kicking me in the proverbial teeth because I don't think that I can take much more.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
HATE
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
"Hate Me" - Blue October
Have I made myself clear about how angry and hurt I am?
Have I made myself clear that some asshole made a fool of me?
Have I made myself clear that I hate the slut he calls a girlfriend? Sure, I don't know her from a hole in the ground but any woman pathetic enough to steal someone else's man is a slut. I feel sorry for her, clearly she has so little self esteem that she has to take from another woman to make herself feel better. I feel sorry that she couldn't do better than my sloppy seconds. I guess she really is a maggot, preying on my trash and enjoying every second of it. I guess she really doesn't mind eating shit, if she is willing to put up with Spencer and all his bullshit.
I HATE HIM, I HATE WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME. I HATE THE WAY I AM HURTING. I HATE THE WAY HE SMASHED ME INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES AND MADE ME FEEL AS THOUGH THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I HATE HIM FOR TREATING ME AS THOUGH I NEVER MEANT ANYTHING TO HIM. I HATE HIM FOR ALL THE LIES HE TOLD ME. I HATE HIM FOR TELLING ME THAT HE LOVED ME WHEN HE CLEARLY DIDN'T.
AND MOST OF ALL, I HATE FEELING ANGRY ALL THE TIME.
I WANT TO SCREAM.
I WANT TO THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM.
I want him to hurt the way he hurt me. I want him to feel like he lost everything the way he did to me. I want his soul to spend an eternity burning in hell for breaking my heart the way he did. I am so angry with him, did I mention that?
He can tell me as many times as he likes that he didn't cheat, that he was faithful. How can I believe someone who lied to me for the last year? Whatever helps you sleep at night. You are a lying dirtbag who deserves every ounce of pain that karma deals you. You are a scared little boy who knows nothing about love. You wanted something different with someone different and someday you will think of me as the one who got away. Then it will be my turn to haunt your dreams and keep you awake at night, the way you have done to me.
By the way, there isn't enough liquor or sleeping pills to make you forget. I've been trying.
One last thing, Spencer. You never wanted me to hate you, but you failed. You lied, you broke my heart and tossed me aside like garbage. You were cruel and hateful. You made the "break up" process a living nightmare. You want to call the shots, go ahead. Your life wasn't going anywhere before me and I can guarantee that it won't go anywhere now. You are lazy. You have no motivation. You like your stupid car, your illegal drugs, you cigarettes and slutty co-workers. You will never be a professional angler, with a TV show. You will never be a wrestling champ. And when Expedia leaves Arvato, you will be lucky to get your old job back at the grocery store, stocking shelves and playing with fruit in the produce department. Enjoy "Calling the Shots." That's what you wanted, now you've got it.
I may be bossy, and demanding but I always get what I want. It's a little something called determination, something you will never know. I may be down now, but I won't be forever, there is something called an education, something I have. Something you don't have. And when I make $20/hr, I will be sure to tip you for packing my groceries, into my beautiful Lincoln MKX, just don't squish my bread.
You wanted to know how I feel about you, well now you do. This my opinion of you, and your "girlfriend."
YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN AND I WILL CERTAINLY NEVER FORGET HOW YOU TREATED ME.
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
"Hate Me" - Blue October
Have I made myself clear about how angry and hurt I am?
Have I made myself clear that some asshole made a fool of me?
Have I made myself clear that I hate the slut he calls a girlfriend? Sure, I don't know her from a hole in the ground but any woman pathetic enough to steal someone else's man is a slut. I feel sorry for her, clearly she has so little self esteem that she has to take from another woman to make herself feel better. I feel sorry that she couldn't do better than my sloppy seconds. I guess she really is a maggot, preying on my trash and enjoying every second of it. I guess she really doesn't mind eating shit, if she is willing to put up with Spencer and all his bullshit.
I HATE HIM, I HATE WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME. I HATE THE WAY I AM HURTING. I HATE THE WAY HE SMASHED ME INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES AND MADE ME FEEL AS THOUGH THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I HATE HIM FOR TREATING ME AS THOUGH I NEVER MEANT ANYTHING TO HIM. I HATE HIM FOR ALL THE LIES HE TOLD ME. I HATE HIM FOR TELLING ME THAT HE LOVED ME WHEN HE CLEARLY DIDN'T.
AND MOST OF ALL, I HATE FEELING ANGRY ALL THE TIME.
I WANT TO SCREAM.
I WANT TO THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM.
I want him to hurt the way he hurt me. I want him to feel like he lost everything the way he did to me. I want his soul to spend an eternity burning in hell for breaking my heart the way he did. I am so angry with him, did I mention that?
He can tell me as many times as he likes that he didn't cheat, that he was faithful. How can I believe someone who lied to me for the last year? Whatever helps you sleep at night. You are a lying dirtbag who deserves every ounce of pain that karma deals you. You are a scared little boy who knows nothing about love. You wanted something different with someone different and someday you will think of me as the one who got away. Then it will be my turn to haunt your dreams and keep you awake at night, the way you have done to me.
By the way, there isn't enough liquor or sleeping pills to make you forget. I've been trying.
One last thing, Spencer. You never wanted me to hate you, but you failed. You lied, you broke my heart and tossed me aside like garbage. You were cruel and hateful. You made the "break up" process a living nightmare. You want to call the shots, go ahead. Your life wasn't going anywhere before me and I can guarantee that it won't go anywhere now. You are lazy. You have no motivation. You like your stupid car, your illegal drugs, you cigarettes and slutty co-workers. You will never be a professional angler, with a TV show. You will never be a wrestling champ. And when Expedia leaves Arvato, you will be lucky to get your old job back at the grocery store, stocking shelves and playing with fruit in the produce department. Enjoy "Calling the Shots." That's what you wanted, now you've got it.
I may be bossy, and demanding but I always get what I want. It's a little something called determination, something you will never know. I may be down now, but I won't be forever, there is something called an education, something I have. Something you don't have. And when I make $20/hr, I will be sure to tip you for packing my groceries, into my beautiful Lincoln MKX, just don't squish my bread.
You wanted to know how I feel about you, well now you do. This my opinion of you, and your "girlfriend."
YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN AND I WILL CERTAINLY NEVER FORGET HOW YOU TREATED ME.
Dear Spencer
Not that you will ever read this but there are a few things that I need to get off my mind. So here it goes. . .
I can't keep pretending that everything is okay, that I am alright with what has happened because I am not. I can't continue to push my emotions aside, put on a happy face and go about my day like you never existed or that the last three years were pretend. I can't throw my emotions in the trash like I did with some of the things you bought me. I can't burn my emotions the way I burned pictures of us from happier or better times. I can't pack my emotions in a box and tuck them into the back of the closet the way I did with some of the more sentimental items you bought me over the last three years. I am still hurt and angry.
My heart still feels broken, it's slowly repairing and healing itself, just not fast enough. I don't think about you all the time or wonder what if or anything like that but if my mind has a split second to remember you or what we had, my heart rips open again, slowly tearing at the first signs of healing. It tears the first few stitches that have begun to heal my heart, allowing a slow leak of emotions to over power my mind, causing tears to well up in my eyes. I never cry, I push the tears back and reassure myself but the damage has been done. And your memory has poisoned my body, causing all my sadness and hurt to come flooding back in a tidal wave. I feel damaged beyond repair because of how you have hurt me. I know that I will heal, and that I am not damaged beyond repair but that doesn't make what you've done to me hurt any less.
I am angry because you betrayed me. You abused my trust in you and our relationship to play your games. You destroyed the most important thing in our relationship for your own selfish needs. You lied to my face for a year. You put my life, my sister's life and a friend's life in danger for your own entertainment purposes.
I am hurt and overwhelmed with sadness due to the love that we shared and that you threw away like it meant nothing to you. You threw me away like garbage for your own personal gain and didn't care about my feelings or well being. You left me to rot in the home that we shared so you could sleep with someone else. I am hurt because you act like the last three years meant nothing to you. Was it pretend or a game for you? Did you get what you wanted from me? I gave you my body, heart and soul. You were my first love and you threw me away as if I never mattered to you, as if I was just a minor bump in the road. You always meant so much more to me. I loved you more than you will ever know. I loved you more than you ever deserved and apparently you didn't feel the same way. My heart aches and longs for the boy that I fell madly in love with, but he no longer exists or never really existed in the first place. My prince charming never really existed, all I had was a stupid frog pretending to be a prince and lying to my face the entire time. As it turns out, there is no fairy tale ending. There is no prince, just a frog who blindsided me with pretty lies. The truth is always ugly and I never wanted to see it because I loved you with all my heart.
I never expected perfection from you. I am far from perfect. You can call me controlling, bossy, manipulative, whatever you want. I am bossy and stubborn as hell. I have never denied that and I never give up on what I want. So, if that makes me all those things than I guess that's your opinion of me. I can't be blamed for knowing what I want from life, I can't be blamed for being determined enough to get it. And may I remind you had I not been so bossy, you wouldn't have your comfy office job or your pretty car or any other luxuries. I motivated you to get a better job, to become a professional person to get a promotion at work. Everything you have is because of me, because of the lifestyle I wanted us to have and share together.
I am not a perfect person, I have made my share of mistakes but I have always taken responsibility for my actions and I have never lied. Can you really say the same?
If I could go back in time and change things, I would but in the end would it have really changed the outcome? You still would have lied and betrayed my trust in you and our relationship, the only thing that would have changed is the timing. It would have happened sooner or later, I just wish it would have been sooner rather than later. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen in love and devoted every fibre of my being to someone so unworthy.
I can't change what is done, but what I can change is how I feel about you and you make that easier every single day. My heart may ache now, it may long for the boy I once knew but with time and patience and many more journal entries or blog posts I will work through my emotions. I will heal, it will just take time and I will have to learn to be patient. It may not be happening as fast as I like but, it is happening and whether I like it or not I can't hide my emotions any more. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not, it's just not who I am.
You can interpret this anyway you want, you can think that I am hung up on you or can't get over you but it's really not the case. I can't get over the cruel and hurtful person you turned out to be. I can't get over my hurt and anger. It's really all about emotions, not you.
Now that this is off my mind, I can rest peacefully at night without your memory haunting my dreams. This letter to you has made me feel better even if you never read it.
Sincerely,
The Brown Eyed Girl
I can't keep pretending that everything is okay, that I am alright with what has happened because I am not. I can't continue to push my emotions aside, put on a happy face and go about my day like you never existed or that the last three years were pretend. I can't throw my emotions in the trash like I did with some of the things you bought me. I can't burn my emotions the way I burned pictures of us from happier or better times. I can't pack my emotions in a box and tuck them into the back of the closet the way I did with some of the more sentimental items you bought me over the last three years. I am still hurt and angry.
My heart still feels broken, it's slowly repairing and healing itself, just not fast enough. I don't think about you all the time or wonder what if or anything like that but if my mind has a split second to remember you or what we had, my heart rips open again, slowly tearing at the first signs of healing. It tears the first few stitches that have begun to heal my heart, allowing a slow leak of emotions to over power my mind, causing tears to well up in my eyes. I never cry, I push the tears back and reassure myself but the damage has been done. And your memory has poisoned my body, causing all my sadness and hurt to come flooding back in a tidal wave. I feel damaged beyond repair because of how you have hurt me. I know that I will heal, and that I am not damaged beyond repair but that doesn't make what you've done to me hurt any less.
I am angry because you betrayed me. You abused my trust in you and our relationship to play your games. You destroyed the most important thing in our relationship for your own selfish needs. You lied to my face for a year. You put my life, my sister's life and a friend's life in danger for your own entertainment purposes.
I am hurt and overwhelmed with sadness due to the love that we shared and that you threw away like it meant nothing to you. You threw me away like garbage for your own personal gain and didn't care about my feelings or well being. You left me to rot in the home that we shared so you could sleep with someone else. I am hurt because you act like the last three years meant nothing to you. Was it pretend or a game for you? Did you get what you wanted from me? I gave you my body, heart and soul. You were my first love and you threw me away as if I never mattered to you, as if I was just a minor bump in the road. You always meant so much more to me. I loved you more than you will ever know. I loved you more than you ever deserved and apparently you didn't feel the same way. My heart aches and longs for the boy that I fell madly in love with, but he no longer exists or never really existed in the first place. My prince charming never really existed, all I had was a stupid frog pretending to be a prince and lying to my face the entire time. As it turns out, there is no fairy tale ending. There is no prince, just a frog who blindsided me with pretty lies. The truth is always ugly and I never wanted to see it because I loved you with all my heart.
I never expected perfection from you. I am far from perfect. You can call me controlling, bossy, manipulative, whatever you want. I am bossy and stubborn as hell. I have never denied that and I never give up on what I want. So, if that makes me all those things than I guess that's your opinion of me. I can't be blamed for knowing what I want from life, I can't be blamed for being determined enough to get it. And may I remind you had I not been so bossy, you wouldn't have your comfy office job or your pretty car or any other luxuries. I motivated you to get a better job, to become a professional person to get a promotion at work. Everything you have is because of me, because of the lifestyle I wanted us to have and share together.
I am not a perfect person, I have made my share of mistakes but I have always taken responsibility for my actions and I have never lied. Can you really say the same?
If I could go back in time and change things, I would but in the end would it have really changed the outcome? You still would have lied and betrayed my trust in you and our relationship, the only thing that would have changed is the timing. It would have happened sooner or later, I just wish it would have been sooner rather than later. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen in love and devoted every fibre of my being to someone so unworthy.
I can't change what is done, but what I can change is how I feel about you and you make that easier every single day. My heart may ache now, it may long for the boy I once knew but with time and patience and many more journal entries or blog posts I will work through my emotions. I will heal, it will just take time and I will have to learn to be patient. It may not be happening as fast as I like but, it is happening and whether I like it or not I can't hide my emotions any more. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not, it's just not who I am.
You can interpret this anyway you want, you can think that I am hung up on you or can't get over you but it's really not the case. I can't get over the cruel and hurtful person you turned out to be. I can't get over my hurt and anger. It's really all about emotions, not you.
Now that this is off my mind, I can rest peacefully at night without your memory haunting my dreams. This letter to you has made me feel better even if you never read it.
Sincerely,
The Brown Eyed Girl
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Actions always speak louder than words
I really don't understand people. I don't understand why certain people need to say or do things just to be hurtful. I can understand if what someone is saying is the truth and it hurts because people never want to hear the truth about themselves but to blatantly lie just to be hurtful is something that I do not understand. Spencer and I had a mutual acquaintance who we have both spoken to since breaking up. This particular person had told me that she was no longer speaking to Spencer because of his new relationship and that she was disgusted with his recent actions. She had confessed to me that she knew something was going on with Spencer and his coworker but didn't say anything to me. I took what she said with a grain of salt because when I had spoken to her, she was really drunk. This person called me the next day at 6:30am. I ignored the call and returned it later in the day at a more appropriate time. She didn't answer so I left a message for her. I didn't hear back from her so I sent her a message on facebook asking if everything was ok because she had called me so early in the morning. She denied ever calling me and said that I was mistaken. Crazy invention called caller ID doesn't seem to lie. She continued to deny ever calling me, I ignored it and shortly after noticed that she deleted me on facebook. I didn't really care until I saw Spencer to finish things up.
This person told everyone that Spencer works with that I was stalking her and I became obsessive with calling and messaging her on facebook. She told people that I was psychotic and that I was intimidating her. I was making her feel uncomfortable and that she was fearful of me because I was a compulsive liar and I couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. WTF????
I don't know if this is exactly what she said to Spencer or if he is making some of this up to hurt me. I don't really care what the people of Arvato Digital Services in this city think of me because I know that this is not what happened. I just don't understand her logic. Obviously, she was the liar because she still does talk to Spencer and she was just playing head games for her own entertainment.
It was hurtful to hear that someone would spread this type of rumor or lie about me. Since Spencer and I broke up I have been as polite as possible with him and his friends or acquaintances and I really have no reason to be, other than the fact that I am a mature adult and I am trying to handle things as maturely as possible. With Spencer, I have had my slip ups, because I am certainly not perfect but if anyone deserves my anger it is him.
When Spencer told me this, I tried not argue it with him because it really isn't worth my time. It's quite clear that this person has nothing better to do with their time than play head games for their own entertainment. I feel bad that this person has nothing in their life or that their own life is so miserable they feel the need to integrate themselves into other people's personal affairs and cause drama.
I don't understand why this person felt the need to be hurtful and say things to the effect of "Your ex girlfriend is psychotic." This really isn't the case and I am sorry that she was too stupid to see that. Clearly, this is the type of person who would much rather enjoy Spencer's company than mine. (I do feel like sending her a message, telling her where to go and how to get there but that would make me no better than her, so I will have to be satisfied with ranting.)
Speaking of Spencer, he felt the need to pick yet another fight with me and then try to blame it on me. I really don't understand his behavior lately either. As I have said before though, he is not the person I knew and whoever he is now is a real jerk. When he tried to fight with me, I said multiple times that I did not want to discuss the topic and that what is done is done. I asked him several times to drop it and leave things alone. When I refused to cooperate, he blackmailed me into telling him what he wanted to hear and then promptly threw a CD at my head. Thankfully, it missed but it was really damn hard not to punch him in the face. I continued to ignore him and that only pissed him off more. He said to me "F*ck you, have a nice life and never speak to me again." I wouldn't have had to speak with him, if he wouldn't have dragged things out for so long. After all this, he takes a moment to tell me that he never cheated on me and he doesn't want me to be upset about something that never happened. He just told me to f*ck off and now he is concerned about my feelings and what I think of him. I said to him, that it didn't matter because I had already made up my mind and that he was talking to a brick wall because nothing he could say would change my mind. I told him that I really didn't care anymore but if telling me once more that he didn't cheat would help him sleep at night then he could continue to talk. He hates me so much but then is concerned about what I think of him. I told him that it didn't matter what he said to me because actions speak louder than words and his actions told me everything that I needed to know. It is not only his actions but the actions of his new girlfriend that make them look beyond guilty to everyone with more than half a brain but I am beginning to think that those two share a brain.
After he left, I cried out of anger and sheer frustration. I am the one who has said from day one let's deal with what needs to be taken care of and we can go our seperate ways. He dragged out for 5 weeks and tells me that I am a manipulative drama queen. UM, who blackmailed who? Who threw a CD? Who felt the need to rehash bullshit? Certainly not me but I am the ultimate drama queen with my head games and power trips. If you ask me, someone needs to get over himself and look in a mirror.
I can honestly say that I am more than relieved to have everything done. I will never have to speak with him again and I no longer have to go to bed frustrated because someone doesn't feel like growing up.
The people of Arvato Digital Services can say what they want, think what they want and and do whatever they want. It just seems that a lot of low life losers work there for a little more than minimum wage and are more than happy with mediocrity. Obviously, these people do not have enough work since they have so much spare time to integrate themselves into other's personal affairs.
Last but certainly not least, as for Spencer telling me that I am slandering him to people in his place of work, this is not the case. I knew one person who worked there, and it is the one person who I mentioned previously in this post. I do not speak with this person anymore and I do not know anyone else he works with and the people I do know I told him I hated when we were still together. So just because we broke up does not mean that I would start talking to them just to spread rumors or lies. I am entitiled to my opinion and that's all I have ever given, here on my blog or anywhere else. I have not posted anything on facebook or messaged anyone. I have ranted and vented my emotions on my blog and that is the extent of it. Who I speak with in my home is my business and if he doesn't like it then tough shit. People will draw their own conclusions from his behavior. If people think that he is a liar or a cheater it's because of his own actions and how suspicious he looked and how guilty he looks now. If he doesn't care about me then why does he care what I think or anyone else for that matter. If he is so happy with his new life, what does it matter what I have to say or what anyone else has to say. And if he emails me again about possible job opportunities, I will tell him to go to hell along with some other catch phrases I have in mind. We are officially done and it couldn't feel better.
Karma has a way of making things right and his time will come. And when it does, I will take great joy in his misery and have no problem rubbing my many successes in his face. I don't care how immature that makes me sound, he deserves that and so much more for the pain and heartache he caused me. I hope one day his heart will shatter into a million tiny pieces, and he will experience every ounce of pain he caused me and then some.
Hopefully, this will be the last time he makes me angry enough to vent or rant on my blog. I really shouldn't be spending this much energy on someone like him. I will never understand why certain people acted out the way that they did or why they felt the need to be as hurtful as they were but it is officially done and over and we can all move on. Thank God, for that!
This person told everyone that Spencer works with that I was stalking her and I became obsessive with calling and messaging her on facebook. She told people that I was psychotic and that I was intimidating her. I was making her feel uncomfortable and that she was fearful of me because I was a compulsive liar and I couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. WTF????
I don't know if this is exactly what she said to Spencer or if he is making some of this up to hurt me. I don't really care what the people of Arvato Digital Services in this city think of me because I know that this is not what happened. I just don't understand her logic. Obviously, she was the liar because she still does talk to Spencer and she was just playing head games for her own entertainment.
It was hurtful to hear that someone would spread this type of rumor or lie about me. Since Spencer and I broke up I have been as polite as possible with him and his friends or acquaintances and I really have no reason to be, other than the fact that I am a mature adult and I am trying to handle things as maturely as possible. With Spencer, I have had my slip ups, because I am certainly not perfect but if anyone deserves my anger it is him.
When Spencer told me this, I tried not argue it with him because it really isn't worth my time. It's quite clear that this person has nothing better to do with their time than play head games for their own entertainment. I feel bad that this person has nothing in their life or that their own life is so miserable they feel the need to integrate themselves into other people's personal affairs and cause drama.
I don't understand why this person felt the need to be hurtful and say things to the effect of "Your ex girlfriend is psychotic." This really isn't the case and I am sorry that she was too stupid to see that. Clearly, this is the type of person who would much rather enjoy Spencer's company than mine. (I do feel like sending her a message, telling her where to go and how to get there but that would make me no better than her, so I will have to be satisfied with ranting.)
Speaking of Spencer, he felt the need to pick yet another fight with me and then try to blame it on me. I really don't understand his behavior lately either. As I have said before though, he is not the person I knew and whoever he is now is a real jerk. When he tried to fight with me, I said multiple times that I did not want to discuss the topic and that what is done is done. I asked him several times to drop it and leave things alone. When I refused to cooperate, he blackmailed me into telling him what he wanted to hear and then promptly threw a CD at my head. Thankfully, it missed but it was really damn hard not to punch him in the face. I continued to ignore him and that only pissed him off more. He said to me "F*ck you, have a nice life and never speak to me again." I wouldn't have had to speak with him, if he wouldn't have dragged things out for so long. After all this, he takes a moment to tell me that he never cheated on me and he doesn't want me to be upset about something that never happened. He just told me to f*ck off and now he is concerned about my feelings and what I think of him. I said to him, that it didn't matter because I had already made up my mind and that he was talking to a brick wall because nothing he could say would change my mind. I told him that I really didn't care anymore but if telling me once more that he didn't cheat would help him sleep at night then he could continue to talk. He hates me so much but then is concerned about what I think of him. I told him that it didn't matter what he said to me because actions speak louder than words and his actions told me everything that I needed to know. It is not only his actions but the actions of his new girlfriend that make them look beyond guilty to everyone with more than half a brain but I am beginning to think that those two share a brain.
After he left, I cried out of anger and sheer frustration. I am the one who has said from day one let's deal with what needs to be taken care of and we can go our seperate ways. He dragged out for 5 weeks and tells me that I am a manipulative drama queen. UM, who blackmailed who? Who threw a CD? Who felt the need to rehash bullshit? Certainly not me but I am the ultimate drama queen with my head games and power trips. If you ask me, someone needs to get over himself and look in a mirror.
I can honestly say that I am more than relieved to have everything done. I will never have to speak with him again and I no longer have to go to bed frustrated because someone doesn't feel like growing up.
The people of Arvato Digital Services can say what they want, think what they want and and do whatever they want. It just seems that a lot of low life losers work there for a little more than minimum wage and are more than happy with mediocrity. Obviously, these people do not have enough work since they have so much spare time to integrate themselves into other's personal affairs.
Last but certainly not least, as for Spencer telling me that I am slandering him to people in his place of work, this is not the case. I knew one person who worked there, and it is the one person who I mentioned previously in this post. I do not speak with this person anymore and I do not know anyone else he works with and the people I do know I told him I hated when we were still together. So just because we broke up does not mean that I would start talking to them just to spread rumors or lies. I am entitiled to my opinion and that's all I have ever given, here on my blog or anywhere else. I have not posted anything on facebook or messaged anyone. I have ranted and vented my emotions on my blog and that is the extent of it. Who I speak with in my home is my business and if he doesn't like it then tough shit. People will draw their own conclusions from his behavior. If people think that he is a liar or a cheater it's because of his own actions and how suspicious he looked and how guilty he looks now. If he doesn't care about me then why does he care what I think or anyone else for that matter. If he is so happy with his new life, what does it matter what I have to say or what anyone else has to say. And if he emails me again about possible job opportunities, I will tell him to go to hell along with some other catch phrases I have in mind. We are officially done and it couldn't feel better.
Karma has a way of making things right and his time will come. And when it does, I will take great joy in his misery and have no problem rubbing my many successes in his face. I don't care how immature that makes me sound, he deserves that and so much more for the pain and heartache he caused me. I hope one day his heart will shatter into a million tiny pieces, and he will experience every ounce of pain he caused me and then some.
Hopefully, this will be the last time he makes me angry enough to vent or rant on my blog. I really shouldn't be spending this much energy on someone like him. I will never understand why certain people acted out the way that they did or why they felt the need to be as hurtful as they were but it is officially done and over and we can all move on. Thank God, for that!
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