No Doubt - Spiderwebs

Sometimes we all need to blow off a little steam, which is exactly what I did in the park after dark of course. Public humilation red is so not my color. I had a psychedelic freak out a la Gwen Stefani in this vid. Enjoy.

Riot

I don't know what kind of jack ass is stupid enough to piss off this German/Irish girl but the ones that did, have not heard the last of me. So the song Riot by Three Days Grace comes to mind because I won't back down and I never take "NO" for an answer. "Riot" If you feel so empty So used up, so let down If you feel so angry So ripped off so stepped on You're not the only one Refusing to back down You're not the only one So get up Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot If you feel so filthy So dirty so fucked up If you feel so walked on So painful so pissed off You're not the only one Refusing to go down You're not the only one So get up Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot If you feel so empty So used up, so let down If you feel so angry Just get up Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot

Grandma

I've never been afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep before, that is before tonight. I spent the day with my Dad and his family burying his mother, my Oma only to return home and find out my other grandma has been in a car accident. Her car was hit from the side and she became trapped in the car. Firefighters had to cut their way in to the vehicle to get her out. She's in unstable condition and the doctors are giving her a 50/50 chance. She has two broken vertabrae in her neck, a broken leg and head trauma. The accident has caused blood to pool around her brain placing pressure on her skull but not her brain. That is the good news if you can consider that "good news." We aren't allowed in to see her at this time and she will be going in to surgery in the morning to repair her broken leg. Her leg was broken in two places and it was not a clean break between the tibia and fibia. She's already had surgery on this leg and now she's having another one. All I can do is sit by my phone and wait. I am convinced that if I stare at my phone long enough and hard enough it will ring with some good news. Some miraculous recovery. I've been doing that for three hours, it has not rung once but I did get an email from Ticketmaster, apparently Maroon 5 is coming to my area. I need a miracle. I need my Grandma. I can't lose both my grandmothers in the same week. I think it would break my brain - if that's possible. I spent almost every moment of spare time with my grandma this week and thankfully I called her to tell her I love her a few days ago. My eyelids are heavy from stress and high emotions from the day. I have cried large heaving sobs for both my grandmothers and I am exhausted but I just can't close my eyes. I fear I may miss an important phone call or text message updating me on her condition. If I did miss it, I would never forgive myself. Ever. I know my grandma is strong but she's been through so much in her life time and what if she's tired of fighting? She's fought for her life before, what if this time it's too much for her? These are some of my fears but I am placing my trust in God and believing that she is strong enough to get through this. It's not her time to go yet, we all know this but we can't hide from the truth or the harsh reality of the world. I don't care what you believe in, who you believe in but please send positive thoughts or prayers out there. Our family could really use them.

Tomorrow will be the visitation portion of the funeral process for my Oma. I have many mixed emotions and I am feeling lost but despite my emotions, I can't help but wonder how my Dad is coping with the loss of his mother. He doesn't talk about loss and he grieves privately. I couldn't imagine losing a parent yet I know one day it will be inevitable. I've been reflecting on all the funerals I have attended and all the people I have lost in my 24 years on this earth. Friends, family, acquaintances, but nothing can compare to the loss of a parent. I have asked my mom what she would like when that inevitable day comes and I have explained to her what I would like should my life be snuffed out too soon. For someone such as myself who usually has a million things to say, I am at a complete loss for words when I try to talk to my Dad. I can tell him I'm sorry but there are no magic words or simple cures for the loss of a loved one. All I can do is be there for him and support him and it doesn't feel like enough. If I can share one thing with you, never forget to tell the people who mean the most to you that you love them. I am thankful that the last words I whispered in to my Oma's ear was that I loved her. She lit up and gave me the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. That's the last time I saw her and I couldn't ask for a better memory.

I had a topic to write about but I have completely forgotten it. There are too many things swimming around in my head right now. Thankfully, my boss was kind enough to give me the week off so I have some time to deal with it all. Since, I have forgotten my topic which I am sure was epic, I would just like to share some of my Oma's wisdom with you. (I have cleaned up the battered English and grammar.) There are three things that you need in life according to my Oma. 1. Gin 2. A good handbag 3. Spite. She always said she had the Russian army beat back until the strap on her purse broke and she had to make a hasty retreat. "If the ugly girls are engaged and you're not, you have to wonder what they are doing in the bedroom and you're not." We asked her kindly not to elaborate on that. I can't remember the rest right now, it's all a little foggy but I hope she knows she will never be forgotten and I cherish all the time spent together. I hope she finds the peace and comfort she deserves.

Dating is hard work

Gentlemen, I would like to take a moment to explain something to you. When you ask a girl out on a date, she assumes that you will be paying for the date or at least most of it unless otherwise mentioned. It may be old fashioned or silly of women to think this way but for the most part we just do. Let's take tonight for example. A guy asked me ou on a date. I agreed. When I arrived at the movie theatre, he had already purchased the movie tickets. Saw a movie, it was decent. AFter he asked me to dinner, I said sure. We went, we ate, the bill came. When the bill came, he asked for it to be split in to two separate bills. That's fine, I have no problem paying for my own meal. Worst part is, I take the bus, the buses to my house stopped running about an hour before we were done our "date." He left me stranded to find my own way home. Never even had the courtesy to text message me and ask if I arrived home safely. He left me broke and stranded. So not to blame the men for this alone, but ladies make sure you communicate with your date beforehand, so there are no awkward surprises at the end of the evening. And gentlemen, yes it is old fashioned but on the first date we kinda expect that you will be paying for the date. So lesson learned for me: Always assume I am paying for myself (and maybe my date). ***don't worry, he didn't get a second date, nor will he ever.

"Oh darkness, I feel like letting go..." I don't know where I am in terms of my depression and mental health, somewhat lost I suppose. I take my meds sporatically at best, if I remember to take them at all. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like for my family if I were dead. I don't want to die, just a morbid curiousity. I wonder if I would have peace and if my mind would stop racing. I wonder how my sisters would grow and change, how my nephew would grow up, how he would change, what will he become. Sometimes, I just wonder what is there to live for? I am burdened by financial stress, a large mess that I created, I constantly doubt my professional skills and panic about the future of my career. Am I in the right field? Did I make the right choices? I am disappointed in myself, I had such high hopes for myself, this is not where I thought I would be at 24. I remember in high school when I was 15, we had to make a time capsule and write an essay on where we thought we would be in 10 years. Well, I did not think I would be living at home, paying off ridiculously large amounts of debt. I thought I would have a car, and my own apartment at least. Not mooching off my broke parents. I thought I would have the perfect boyfriend and we would be living happily ever after. The situation, I have put myself in, is not at all what I pictured. I thought I would have gotten some traveling in by now. My dream trip to Ireland is nowhere in sight. I feel like a mess, and everytime I try to clean it up, I feel that I only make things worse. I am old enough to know better, yet I continually make stupid decisions. My shrink is going to be so pissed when I see him next month. Anyways, just needed to vent before bed. "It's just that we've stayed too long, in the same old sickly skin."