Our Lady Peace - 4 am
How can science tell me that someone who has never raised me, who has never been there for me and abandoned me at the age of five is my father.
He's all I think about recently. This weekend was his birthday and I thought about him but it only upset me.
I often wonder if he thinks about me half as often as I think about him. I wonder if he regrets all the birthdays and Christmas' he missed.
I often wonder what he is doing at this exact moment? Does he know how much I used to miss him? Does he know all the nights I cried for him? I often asked myself what I did wrong? What was wrong with me? What pushed him away from me?
Eventually the tears stopped and I stopped wondering. I figured out that him not coming around was nobody's fault except his own. I was seven years old, there is nothing in this world that I could have done wrong.
When I figured out that I did nothing wrong, I had this overwhelming feeling of hate. But then I considered how do you hate someone you don't know? You can't. You can't hate someone you don't know.
You can't really show emotion for someone you don't know. I choose not to know him. Because the version of him that I do know, scares me. He only comes around in December and makes demands. Then he returns again around my birthday. He claims he wants me to visit him and go out with him and be a part of his life. He only gives me birthday/christmas gifts if I visit with him. But that soon fades away until the following December. He says that he is sorry for all the time that he has missed. But I don't believe a word of it. I don't believe the words of someone who comes around twice a year to disrupt my life and make me cry. I think that if he cared, that he loved half as much as he said he does, he wouldn't put me through the emotional roller coaster. I don't really have any memories that are truly good and the stories my mom has told me are her memories not mine.
And the saddest part of all is that I know when he dies and I stand over that casket I will have so many regrets. I will regret not knowing him. I will regret not giving him another chance. I will regret so many things even though I know they weren't my fault. And I know that I will have nothing kind to say about him because I have yet to see the kind part of him.
This is all I have, this song that I heard so many years ago in his van as he picked me up for a hellish weekend at his house. {It's a pretty good description of our relationship.}
My last words to him were about two years ago and they were "I hate you and I don't want you in my life anymore" - I know one day I will never forgive myself for screaming those words through the phone but that day has yet to come.
And in my mind, the person I call father has nothing to do with science. It has to do with the love, support and guidance he has given me. The person I refer to as Dad, has raised me for the last five years, he has seen me graduate, he has been there when I blow out candles, he has been there on Christmas morning when I open my gifts. He has been there, he has loved me, he has accepted me and in the end that's all that matters.
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7 comments:
Sry, that was a bit of a rant. A really big rant.
You nearly made me cry that time. I am so sorry for so many things. I am sorry that he is your bio dad, and that I made a bad choice. Many bad choices.
It is his fault, and no one else's. I know that it doesn't make it any easier to deal with his abandonment, but it's true. The fault is his, and his alone.
I think of all of the days that he has missed. not just the big ones, but the everyday stuff. Laughing at jokes ( the hippo ate my bank statement), the family dinners, even the fighting. He doesn't REALLY know you. He never will. I can't explain WHY is like this. I wonder if he could explain it to you.
You have a family, right here, for better or worse. And you always will.
Try not to regret bad memories. Like you said, you have a Dad who loves you. That's what's important.
I know it's not like waving a wand to get rid of the anger and sadness. I know you understand that it's not you, that it's him, but feelings never seem to listen to our understanding side, do they?
Just be happy, enjoy your family and, most importantly, one day when you have a family of your own, be the parent he wasn't.
well said
I don't know what to say really, except that I bet you feel better for getting that off your mind.
Oh KC.
In many ways I feel like he was never prepared to be a dad, but really, that's no excuse. The man who is your dad now didn't get any preparation either.
You've gone through all of these feelings and it's very mature of you to sort it out this way. You're a great person despite his mistakes.
He did give you something special though. Your gorgeous eyes. He gave you the best he had to give. Be glad it was that and not his faults.
You may have regrets but he'll have more, if he ever smartens up. I should feel sorry for him because of that...but he made choices. He had chances, and he made choices. For your sake I'm sorry he did the way he did.
Hugs.
Wait, I'm not sorry he made the choices he did. You're better off with the Dad you have.
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