The Death of my Relationship

Since Spencer and I broke up, I have been analyzing and reanalyzing the few days before our break up. I think I have pieced together the entire puzzle that had me blind sided and devestated when this all fell apart. Looking back, I should have seen the signs and called it quits before he had the chance to rip my heart out. But I was so wrapped up in the current fight we were having, that I wasn't paying attention to all the little clues that should have tipped me off as to what he was up to those days that he was missing. I guess for someone with two college diplomas I should pay a little more attention to detail. But as I had mentioned before I was so confident in him and our relationship that I trusted him completely. That was my downfall, I was too trusting and never questioned him.
I haven't slept much since we broke up because I've been too wrapped up in figuring out where things went wrong. Trying to decipher why he wouldn't want me or what is wrong with me and I have come to a conclusion. There is nothing wrong with me, he's the idiot who let me go. I am not saying that I do not have flaws because we all do but in terms of girlfriend material he should kiss the ground that I walk on for putting up with him and his bullshit.
I figured out what changed his mind about me and who to blame. Yes, we were having problems, serious problems but it wasn't anything new and we always found a way to work them out. We were strong believers in that whole love conquers all nonsense. I guess that because he was my first love and I was his, we thought we could fix anything because we loved each other that much. It turns out that we were wrong, love can't conquer all and you do need more than love.
He has a friend from work who is married and decided in the five minutes we spent together that he didn't like me. His wife knew that there was friction between us and whether she knew all the details or not I will never know. She has a friend named Megan (Magot, if you read my comment from yesterday's post). Magot is the same age as Spencer and they do have more in common than Spencer and I did but it did not give her the right to play matchmaker. The wife knew that Magot had a crush on Spencer and that maybe with some persuasion he could or would change his mind due to the difficulties our relationship was having. Spencer and I were both doubting our relationship but we had discussed this with each other and made a commitment to try to solve our problems rather than walking away and throwing away the last three years.
It seems as though, every time Spencer went to the couple's house Magot would suddenly and magically appear. It seems as though, she valued her husband's opinion of me rather than making her own judgement and began to play matchmaker. She knew of his doubts and played on his emotions. She wanted another couple to spend time with and because they didn't like me it was time to change that. The wife wanted to see her best friend Magot happy and rather than telling Spencer to go home and work things out or end things she continued to invite Magot over every single time Spencer spent time with the husband. I am not blaming this all on the actions of the three people who should be advocates for that Ashley Madison dating/cheating on your partner service. Spencer needs to take responsibility for his actions in all of this but I feel as though the three advocates abused his trust in them as friends and used his vulnerability to their advantage so that their good friend Magot would have a partner too.
It seems as though, they told him what they thought was best based on the fact that Magot wanted a man. They were never my friends so what do they care if I am hurting right?
Spencer was fully aware of his actions and I hold him responsible for the death of our relationship. I do blame him for giving up, and I hate him for the poor choices he made. I hate him for hurting me so badly and breaking his promise of never hurting me this way. I worked so hard, and devoted everything in me to our relationship. I knew what our problem areas were and I was willing to keep working on them because I am stubborn as hell. I don't give up easily and I won't go down without a fight over something so important to me. Apparently, he didn't feel the same way and I had been fighting for a lost cause for a long time before he said anything. It breaks my heart to finally see him for the person he has become in these last few weeks before the demise of our relationship. When I think about it, it breaks my heart all over again and pulls at the stitches in my chest that are trying to heal and keep what is left of my heart intact.
He won't admit to cheating on me but all the signs were there. He swears on his life he wasn't with Magot in any romantic or intimate form while we were together but how can I believe him? How can I trust his word when he abused my trust in the first place? He knew I was stressed over losing my job and our relationship problems and used my vulnerability to his advantage. He knew I was willing to do anything to save our relationship and he used me as a door mat. He thought he could get away with his sneaky and deceiving ways. He thought he could have his cake and eat it too. When I questioned his recent behavior it caused a huge fight that made him disappear for an entire weekend and I knew then, that there was nothing left to salvage.
Logically and rationally I knew it was over and that part of me started packing my things. However my emotions and my heart got in the way and I held out hope. I hoped he would come home and apologize. I hoped that I was wrong about him and just being paranoid or jealous of the time he was spending away from me. I hoped that the last three years meant as much to him as they did to me. I was wrong because if he felt the same way he wouldn't have acted the way he did and he wouldn't have given up so easily.
The temptation of greener grass was just too much for him to handle and he needed to find out if the grass was really greener. I do wonder though, if he ever thinks he made a mistake and is afraid to admit it. Afraid to admit to what he has done and take responsibility for his actions. I wonder if he misses me or thinks about me at all, the way I think about him and what happened to our relationship. Eventually, this will pass and I will stop wondering and questioning and obsessing over that specific time period. I will remember the better times and cherish them. I will stop wondering if it was all a lie and just enjoy the memories of fun and laughter we shared together in those three years. However at this moment that seems impossible.