Dear Spencer

Not that you will ever read this but there are a few things that I need to get off my mind. So here it goes. . .
I can't keep pretending that everything is okay, that I am alright with what has happened because I am not. I can't continue to push my emotions aside, put on a happy face and go about my day like you never existed or that the last three years were pretend. I can't throw my emotions in the trash like I did with some of the things you bought me. I can't burn my emotions the way I burned pictures of us from happier or better times. I can't pack my emotions in a box and tuck them into the back of the closet the way I did with some of the more sentimental items you bought me over the last three years. I am still hurt and angry.
My heart still feels broken, it's slowly repairing and healing itself, just not fast enough. I don't think about you all the time or wonder what if or anything like that but if my mind has a split second to remember you or what we had, my heart rips open again, slowly tearing at the first signs of healing. It tears the first few stitches that have begun to heal my heart, allowing a slow leak of emotions to over power my mind, causing tears to well up in my eyes. I never cry, I push the tears back and reassure myself but the damage has been done. And your memory has poisoned my body, causing all my sadness and hurt to come flooding back in a tidal wave. I feel damaged beyond repair because of how you have hurt me. I know that I will heal, and that I am not damaged beyond repair but that doesn't make what you've done to me hurt any less.
I am angry because you betrayed me. You abused my trust in you and our relationship to play your games. You destroyed the most important thing in our relationship for your own selfish needs. You lied to my face for a year. You put my life, my sister's life and a friend's life in danger for your own entertainment purposes.
I am hurt and overwhelmed with sadness due to the love that we shared and that you threw away like it meant nothing to you. You threw me away like garbage for your own personal gain and didn't care about my feelings or well being. You left me to rot in the home that we shared so you could sleep with someone else. I am hurt because you act like the last three years meant nothing to you. Was it pretend or a game for you? Did you get what you wanted from me? I gave you my body, heart and soul. You were my first love and you threw me away as if I never mattered to you, as if I was just a minor bump in the road. You always meant so much more to me. I loved you more than you will ever know. I loved you more than you ever deserved and apparently you didn't feel the same way. My heart aches and longs for the boy that I fell madly in love with, but he no longer exists or never really existed in the first place. My prince charming never really existed, all I had was a stupid frog pretending to be a prince and lying to my face the entire time. As it turns out, there is no fairy tale ending. There is no prince, just a frog who blindsided me with pretty lies. The truth is always ugly and I never wanted to see it because I loved you with all my heart.
I never expected perfection from you. I am far from perfect. You can call me controlling, bossy, manipulative, whatever you want. I am bossy and stubborn as hell. I have never denied that and I never give up on what I want. So, if that makes me all those things than I guess that's your opinion of me. I can't be blamed for knowing what I want from life, I can't be blamed for being determined enough to get it. And may I remind you had I not been so bossy, you wouldn't have your comfy office job or your pretty car or any other luxuries. I motivated you to get a better job, to become a professional person to get a promotion at work. Everything you have is because of me, because of the lifestyle I wanted us to have and share together.
I am not a perfect person, I have made my share of mistakes but I have always taken responsibility for my actions and I have never lied. Can you really say the same?
If I could go back in time and change things, I would but in the end would it have really changed the outcome? You still would have lied and betrayed my trust in you and our relationship, the only thing that would have changed is the timing. It would have happened sooner or later, I just wish it would have been sooner rather than later. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen in love and devoted every fibre of my being to someone so unworthy.
I can't change what is done, but what I can change is how I feel about you and you make that easier every single day. My heart may ache now, it may long for the boy I once knew but with time and patience and many more journal entries or blog posts I will work through my emotions. I will heal, it will just take time and I will have to learn to be patient. It may not be happening as fast as I like but, it is happening and whether I like it or not I can't hide my emotions any more. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not, it's just not who I am.
You can interpret this anyway you want, you can think that I am hung up on you or can't get over you but it's really not the case. I can't get over the cruel and hurtful person you turned out to be. I can't get over my hurt and anger. It's really all about emotions, not you.
Now that this is off my mind, I can rest peacefully at night without your memory haunting my dreams. This letter to you has made me feel better even if you never read it.

Sincerely,
The Brown Eyed Girl