HATE

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
"Hate Me" - Blue October

Have I made myself clear about how angry and hurt I am?
Have I made myself clear that some asshole made a fool of me?
Have I made myself clear that I hate the slut he calls a girlfriend? Sure, I don't know her from a hole in the ground but any woman pathetic enough to steal someone else's man is a slut. I feel sorry for her, clearly she has so little self esteem that she has to take from another woman to make herself feel better. I feel sorry that she couldn't do better than my sloppy seconds. I guess she really is a maggot, preying on my trash and enjoying every second of it. I guess she really doesn't mind eating shit, if she is willing to put up with Spencer and all his bullshit.

I HATE HIM, I HATE WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME. I HATE THE WAY I AM HURTING. I HATE THE WAY HE SMASHED ME INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES AND MADE ME FEEL AS THOUGH THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I HATE HIM FOR TREATING ME AS THOUGH I NEVER MEANT ANYTHING TO HIM. I HATE HIM FOR ALL THE LIES HE TOLD ME. I HATE HIM FOR TELLING ME THAT HE LOVED ME WHEN HE CLEARLY DIDN'T.
AND MOST OF ALL, I HATE FEELING ANGRY ALL THE TIME.

I WANT TO SCREAM.

I WANT TO THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM.

I want him to hurt the way he hurt me. I want him to feel like he lost everything the way he did to me. I want his soul to spend an eternity burning in hell for breaking my heart the way he did. I am so angry with him, did I mention that?
He can tell me as many times as he likes that he didn't cheat, that he was faithful. How can I believe someone who lied to me for the last year? Whatever helps you sleep at night. You are a lying dirtbag who deserves every ounce of pain that karma deals you. You are a scared little boy who knows nothing about love. You wanted something different with someone different and someday you will think of me as the one who got away. Then it will be my turn to haunt your dreams and keep you awake at night, the way you have done to me.
By the way, there isn't enough liquor or sleeping pills to make you forget. I've been trying.
One last thing, Spencer. You never wanted me to hate you, but you failed. You lied, you broke my heart and tossed me aside like garbage. You were cruel and hateful. You made the "break up" process a living nightmare. You want to call the shots, go ahead. Your life wasn't going anywhere before me and I can guarantee that it won't go anywhere now. You are lazy. You have no motivation. You like your stupid car, your illegal drugs, you cigarettes and slutty co-workers. You will never be a professional angler, with a TV show. You will never be a wrestling champ. And when Expedia leaves Arvato, you will be lucky to get your old job back at the grocery store, stocking shelves and playing with fruit in the produce department. Enjoy "Calling the Shots." That's what you wanted, now you've got it.
I may be bossy, and demanding but I always get what I want. It's a little something called determination, something you will never know. I may be down now, but I won't be forever, there is something called an education, something I have. Something you don't have. And when I make $20/hr, I will be sure to tip you for packing my groceries, into my beautiful Lincoln MKX, just don't squish my bread.
You wanted to know how I feel about you, well now you do. This my opinion of you, and your "girlfriend."

YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN AND I WILL CERTAINLY NEVER FORGET HOW YOU TREATED ME.