One Wish

I don't think I have ever blogged about my mental health before but it's been crushing me lately. My depression and my anxiety are slowly swallowing me whole in a sea of stress and emotional agony. I am drowning and sometimes, it seems like no one notices. No life jacket, just struggling to survive and make it through another day. The last few months have been full of stupid decisions in regards to my medication and treatment. I don't want to take my medication for a number of reasons. The first reason being, I was feeling better therefore, I don't need them anymore. The second being that they are way too expensive and I never have the money for them. Insurance companies won't touch me because of the depression and anxiety but the good news is Blue Cross says I can reapply in five years. That's oh so helpful right now. The third reason for not taking my meds is it will stop some vicious attacks from former "friends." For some reason, I seem to think that by not taking them, it will make me less "crazy." For the record, I am not crazy and crazy is not a bad word. We have made so many advancements in society, yet someone mumbles the words "mental health" and people fear those of us who are struggling. We can't talk about mental health openly and freely despite how far we've come. People fear us, they want to lock us away because we might do something abnormal, well what is normal? What is the definition of normal in today's world? Everyone has their own idea of normal, there is no cookie cutter mold to tell us what's normal. I can't mention any of this to anyone outside of my family because I fear the men in the white coats will come and get me. So I slap a smile on my face and dredge through each miserable day. I'm getting really good at pretending I am not in emotional and mental pain. I should have an Oscar by now. If I could have one wish, it would be that I never inherited this family trait. It's on both sides, so it was bound to get me but I am tired of the constant struggle. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of feeling sick. I am tired of crying and I am tired of sleeping all the time. I hate being flaky and unreliable because I don't know where my mind is from one day to the next. It makes keeping a full time job hard, it's difficult to keep plans with friends because my anxiety might pop up and prevent me from doing what I want. They say panic attacks can only last a total of 25 minutes, well when you're having a panic attack, 25 minutes is a REALLY long time. My doctor told me today that 7 out of 10 Canadians are currently on medication for depression and anxiety and we can't talk about that? That is "abnormal." I can't really tell my boss why I missed a day of work because I fear the repercussions. Nobody wants a flaky, emotionally unstable person on their team. So another little white lie and a doctor's note will have to suffice until my mind heals and I don't feel so fractured.