Hunt and Peck

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST MAY NOT MAKE SENSE AND WILL HAVE COARSE LANGUAGE. I sit here using the hunt and peck method of typing. You may wonder why that is, am I inexperienced in the use of computers? No, that would be the simple answer. I am using the hunt and peck technique because my biological father who I have not spoken to in 7 years was an abusive bastard. He and my mom separated when I was about four years old but at that point the damage had already been done. My parents were married for a whole week before he laid his hands on her. He had no problem beating the shit out of my mom right in front of my eyes. He had no problem taking his aggression out on me or my baby sister. She was a baby, less than a year old. She has no recollection of his torment but I do. I can't tell you which is worse, the emotional or physical scars. Either way, the scars are there, a part of me. He pulled my arm out of the socket, dragging me around like a rag doll. Over time, scar tissue has accumulated and is easily aggravated sometimes by the smallest things such as brushing my hair, other times I can go weeks without noticing any pain. Lately, the pain has been unbareable and my doctor doesn't take me seriously. When I am in excruciating pain such as this evening I can't help but blame Daddy Dearest. Not only did he physically abuse his family, but he emotionally tormented us for years after the divorce. I never wanted to visit him when I was younger, I feared him. I had seen what he was capable of, and the memories are burned into my brain for the rest of eternity. When I did visit him, he couldn't be bothered with me or he ran his mouth about my mother, my grandfather and various other family members. He made it easy for me to hate him. The unexpected "visits" at school demanding to see his children, the drunken appearances at our doorstep, the suspicious vehicle following me for blocks every single day of my life from the time I was a small child until I was about 18. I know I sound paranoid but I'm not, these things are all true. I don't have one good memory of my father. Not one. I have lots of horrid, terrifying and disturbing ones but nothing good. Nights like tonight when I can barely move my right arm because of pain or numbness in my hand remind me of how much I despise him. I usually don't give him much thought as it is a waste of energy and time. It's so physically and mentally draining to focus your energies on hating someone but I'm already tired and I am in pain. I am entitled to a few tears and some curse words. He has no idea what he has done to me, how he has affected my family, the damage he has caused. He spirals in to your life for a brief moment, stirs shit up and bails. He fills your head with empty promises and disappears. Unfortunately for me he never disappears permanently, he rears his ugly head every few years. If I could have one wish, it wouldn't be to erase the memories or the past but rather that I don't suffer in physical pain. I am not limited in my activities when my shoulder acts up. I don't miss him or wonder why he did what he did, I've never asked myself what I did wrong, I've always known it was him. He may have fathered me but he is not my dad and he never will be. My dad is a great, big drywaller with a heart full of love. He has always loved me as his own, he has taken care of me and he stuck around through the very traumatic teen years. That's not to say I have the perfect relationship with my Dad, but we are close and I can't imagine my life without him. It may sound cheesy or cliche but I have the best Dad ever. He annoys me, makes fun of my taste in music, lectures me on money and does all the things a Dad is supposed to and I couldn't be happier. Just don't tell him that. Oh and my mom, she's pretty awesome too, she is my partner in crime. Drives him nuts but isn't that what girls are supposed to do? So my father may have hurt me, but he didn't break me and he never will. I will always live with this painful memory but I have so many others that are so much more important and dear to my heart. I have love, laughter and a wonderful family that he is not a part of nor will he ever be. Now to hunt down, something for pain so I can get some sleep. G'nite peeps.