Broken and Scarred

Not 100% ready to talk about what happened but if I don't keep my hands occupied, I will be in big trouble. I have been saying for some time now that I am stressed out and completely overwhelmed with everything in my life. So over a week ago, I took my large pocket knife and started cutting up my left wrist. I did it and it felt so good. The release was intoxicating making me want to do it over and over again. I didn't care about the consequences at that moment. If I died, oh, well. I had entered this trance like state. I was somewhat aware of my actions but it was all confusing, I was in a haze of confusion and relief. The blood slowly flowing from my wrist felt amazing. The physical pain is so much easier to deal with than the emotional. I am in such emotional turmoil, I felt I had no choice anymore. If I died, then I died. After, I had realized what I had done I went running to my mom knife in hand and hysterical. I cleaned out the cuts and my mom talked to me about options. The biggest one being that I go to the hospital which I absolutely refused to do. I stayed up and talked to her about what made me do this and how it happened. Of course, I surrendered all sharp objects including my two knives. My mom was absolutely devastated by my actions. I promised not to do it again but that promise would soon be broken.