No Doubt - Spiderwebs

Sometimes we all need to blow off a little steam, which is exactly what I did in the park after dark of course. Public humilation red is so not my color. I had a psychedelic freak out a la Gwen Stefani in this vid. Enjoy.

Riot

I don't know what kind of jack ass is stupid enough to piss off this German/Irish girl but the ones that did, have not heard the last of me. So the song Riot by Three Days Grace comes to mind because I won't back down and I never take "NO" for an answer. "Riot" If you feel so empty So used up, so let down If you feel so angry So ripped off so stepped on You're not the only one Refusing to back down You're not the only one So get up Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot If you feel so filthy So dirty so fucked up If you feel so walked on So painful so pissed off You're not the only one Refusing to go down You're not the only one So get up Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot If you feel so empty So used up, so let down If you feel so angry Just get up Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot Let's start a riot, a riot Let's start a riot

Grandma

I've never been afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep before, that is before tonight. I spent the day with my Dad and his family burying his mother, my Oma only to return home and find out my other grandma has been in a car accident. Her car was hit from the side and she became trapped in the car. Firefighters had to cut their way in to the vehicle to get her out. She's in unstable condition and the doctors are giving her a 50/50 chance. She has two broken vertabrae in her neck, a broken leg and head trauma. The accident has caused blood to pool around her brain placing pressure on her skull but not her brain. That is the good news if you can consider that "good news." We aren't allowed in to see her at this time and she will be going in to surgery in the morning to repair her broken leg. Her leg was broken in two places and it was not a clean break between the tibia and fibia. She's already had surgery on this leg and now she's having another one. All I can do is sit by my phone and wait. I am convinced that if I stare at my phone long enough and hard enough it will ring with some good news. Some miraculous recovery. I've been doing that for three hours, it has not rung once but I did get an email from Ticketmaster, apparently Maroon 5 is coming to my area. I need a miracle. I need my Grandma. I can't lose both my grandmothers in the same week. I think it would break my brain - if that's possible. I spent almost every moment of spare time with my grandma this week and thankfully I called her to tell her I love her a few days ago. My eyelids are heavy from stress and high emotions from the day. I have cried large heaving sobs for both my grandmothers and I am exhausted but I just can't close my eyes. I fear I may miss an important phone call or text message updating me on her condition. If I did miss it, I would never forgive myself. Ever. I know my grandma is strong but she's been through so much in her life time and what if she's tired of fighting? She's fought for her life before, what if this time it's too much for her? These are some of my fears but I am placing my trust in God and believing that she is strong enough to get through this. It's not her time to go yet, we all know this but we can't hide from the truth or the harsh reality of the world. I don't care what you believe in, who you believe in but please send positive thoughts or prayers out there. Our family could really use them.

Tomorrow will be the visitation portion of the funeral process for my Oma. I have many mixed emotions and I am feeling lost but despite my emotions, I can't help but wonder how my Dad is coping with the loss of his mother. He doesn't talk about loss and he grieves privately. I couldn't imagine losing a parent yet I know one day it will be inevitable. I've been reflecting on all the funerals I have attended and all the people I have lost in my 24 years on this earth. Friends, family, acquaintances, but nothing can compare to the loss of a parent. I have asked my mom what she would like when that inevitable day comes and I have explained to her what I would like should my life be snuffed out too soon. For someone such as myself who usually has a million things to say, I am at a complete loss for words when I try to talk to my Dad. I can tell him I'm sorry but there are no magic words or simple cures for the loss of a loved one. All I can do is be there for him and support him and it doesn't feel like enough. If I can share one thing with you, never forget to tell the people who mean the most to you that you love them. I am thankful that the last words I whispered in to my Oma's ear was that I loved her. She lit up and gave me the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. That's the last time I saw her and I couldn't ask for a better memory.

I had a topic to write about but I have completely forgotten it. There are too many things swimming around in my head right now. Thankfully, my boss was kind enough to give me the week off so I have some time to deal with it all. Since, I have forgotten my topic which I am sure was epic, I would just like to share some of my Oma's wisdom with you. (I have cleaned up the battered English and grammar.) There are three things that you need in life according to my Oma. 1. Gin 2. A good handbag 3. Spite. She always said she had the Russian army beat back until the strap on her purse broke and she had to make a hasty retreat. "If the ugly girls are engaged and you're not, you have to wonder what they are doing in the bedroom and you're not." We asked her kindly not to elaborate on that. I can't remember the rest right now, it's all a little foggy but I hope she knows she will never be forgotten and I cherish all the time spent together. I hope she finds the peace and comfort she deserves.

Dating is hard work

Gentlemen, I would like to take a moment to explain something to you. When you ask a girl out on a date, she assumes that you will be paying for the date or at least most of it unless otherwise mentioned. It may be old fashioned or silly of women to think this way but for the most part we just do. Let's take tonight for example. A guy asked me ou on a date. I agreed. When I arrived at the movie theatre, he had already purchased the movie tickets. Saw a movie, it was decent. AFter he asked me to dinner, I said sure. We went, we ate, the bill came. When the bill came, he asked for it to be split in to two separate bills. That's fine, I have no problem paying for my own meal. Worst part is, I take the bus, the buses to my house stopped running about an hour before we were done our "date." He left me stranded to find my own way home. Never even had the courtesy to text message me and ask if I arrived home safely. He left me broke and stranded. So not to blame the men for this alone, but ladies make sure you communicate with your date beforehand, so there are no awkward surprises at the end of the evening. And gentlemen, yes it is old fashioned but on the first date we kinda expect that you will be paying for the date. So lesson learned for me: Always assume I am paying for myself (and maybe my date). ***don't worry, he didn't get a second date, nor will he ever.

"Oh darkness, I feel like letting go..." I don't know where I am in terms of my depression and mental health, somewhat lost I suppose. I take my meds sporatically at best, if I remember to take them at all. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like for my family if I were dead. I don't want to die, just a morbid curiousity. I wonder if I would have peace and if my mind would stop racing. I wonder how my sisters would grow and change, how my nephew would grow up, how he would change, what will he become. Sometimes, I just wonder what is there to live for? I am burdened by financial stress, a large mess that I created, I constantly doubt my professional skills and panic about the future of my career. Am I in the right field? Did I make the right choices? I am disappointed in myself, I had such high hopes for myself, this is not where I thought I would be at 24. I remember in high school when I was 15, we had to make a time capsule and write an essay on where we thought we would be in 10 years. Well, I did not think I would be living at home, paying off ridiculously large amounts of debt. I thought I would have a car, and my own apartment at least. Not mooching off my broke parents. I thought I would have the perfect boyfriend and we would be living happily ever after. The situation, I have put myself in, is not at all what I pictured. I thought I would have gotten some traveling in by now. My dream trip to Ireland is nowhere in sight. I feel like a mess, and everytime I try to clean it up, I feel that I only make things worse. I am old enough to know better, yet I continually make stupid decisions. My shrink is going to be so pissed when I see him next month. Anyways, just needed to vent before bed. "It's just that we've stayed too long, in the same old sickly skin."

Hunt and Peck

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST MAY NOT MAKE SENSE AND WILL HAVE COARSE LANGUAGE. I sit here using the hunt and peck method of typing. You may wonder why that is, am I inexperienced in the use of computers? No, that would be the simple answer. I am using the hunt and peck technique because my biological father who I have not spoken to in 7 years was an abusive bastard. He and my mom separated when I was about four years old but at that point the damage had already been done. My parents were married for a whole week before he laid his hands on her. He had no problem beating the shit out of my mom right in front of my eyes. He had no problem taking his aggression out on me or my baby sister. She was a baby, less than a year old. She has no recollection of his torment but I do. I can't tell you which is worse, the emotional or physical scars. Either way, the scars are there, a part of me. He pulled my arm out of the socket, dragging me around like a rag doll. Over time, scar tissue has accumulated and is easily aggravated sometimes by the smallest things such as brushing my hair, other times I can go weeks without noticing any pain. Lately, the pain has been unbareable and my doctor doesn't take me seriously. When I am in excruciating pain such as this evening I can't help but blame Daddy Dearest. Not only did he physically abuse his family, but he emotionally tormented us for years after the divorce. I never wanted to visit him when I was younger, I feared him. I had seen what he was capable of, and the memories are burned into my brain for the rest of eternity. When I did visit him, he couldn't be bothered with me or he ran his mouth about my mother, my grandfather and various other family members. He made it easy for me to hate him. The unexpected "visits" at school demanding to see his children, the drunken appearances at our doorstep, the suspicious vehicle following me for blocks every single day of my life from the time I was a small child until I was about 18. I know I sound paranoid but I'm not, these things are all true. I don't have one good memory of my father. Not one. I have lots of horrid, terrifying and disturbing ones but nothing good. Nights like tonight when I can barely move my right arm because of pain or numbness in my hand remind me of how much I despise him. I usually don't give him much thought as it is a waste of energy and time. It's so physically and mentally draining to focus your energies on hating someone but I'm already tired and I am in pain. I am entitled to a few tears and some curse words. He has no idea what he has done to me, how he has affected my family, the damage he has caused. He spirals in to your life for a brief moment, stirs shit up and bails. He fills your head with empty promises and disappears. Unfortunately for me he never disappears permanently, he rears his ugly head every few years. If I could have one wish, it wouldn't be to erase the memories or the past but rather that I don't suffer in physical pain. I am not limited in my activities when my shoulder acts up. I don't miss him or wonder why he did what he did, I've never asked myself what I did wrong, I've always known it was him. He may have fathered me but he is not my dad and he never will be. My dad is a great, big drywaller with a heart full of love. He has always loved me as his own, he has taken care of me and he stuck around through the very traumatic teen years. That's not to say I have the perfect relationship with my Dad, but we are close and I can't imagine my life without him. It may sound cheesy or cliche but I have the best Dad ever. He annoys me, makes fun of my taste in music, lectures me on money and does all the things a Dad is supposed to and I couldn't be happier. Just don't tell him that. Oh and my mom, she's pretty awesome too, she is my partner in crime. Drives him nuts but isn't that what girls are supposed to do? So my father may have hurt me, but he didn't break me and he never will. I will always live with this painful memory but I have so many others that are so much more important and dear to my heart. I have love, laughter and a wonderful family that he is not a part of nor will he ever be. Now to hunt down, something for pain so I can get some sleep. G'nite peeps.

FanExpo Toronto 2012 (For Marni)

Let me tell you about the fabulous Toronto FanExpo. As usual, there were so many people I wanted to meet but never had the opportunity but that's okay, as I wouldn't have traded that day for anything. My list of Celebs included; Norman Reedus, Sean Patrick Flanery, James Marsters, Juliet Landau, Julie Benz, AJ Cook, Matthew Gray Gubler, Kirsten Vangsness and Rose McGowan. There were other big names there but I wasn't interested in meeting them. My main concern was the Boondock Saints and the Buffy peeps. My first stop was with the lovely and charming Norman Reedus. He was so much fun and hawt! I asked him to sign my boob for Marni which he very willingly and happily did. He also took my digital camera and took some self portraits. Again, I can't say I had a problem with it. Next stop, was Sean Patrick Flanery. I've never seen a more beautiful man in my life. His eyes were absolutely gorgeous and again, I asked him to sign my boob. We had some pictures taken of him signing "my lovely flesh" - his words not mine. I look just a little too happy to have his autograph across my chest. His full name took up most of my collar bone. With the Boondock Saints completed, I had to meet James Marsters so there would be no repeat of the incident that occurred two years ago when I missed him and spent 8 hours crying my eyes out. Yes, I was one of those girls. But that was two years ago, I've grown and matured since then. I didn't have my picture taken with Juliet Landau unfortunately as the Saints and James broke the bank. I spent my bus fare home, paying for an autograph from James Marsters who told me I have "excellent taste." The year before I had met a Buffy fan who was in her late 40's - early 50's and she told me horrible things about James Marsters so I was somewhat hesitant to meet him, however, he was great. But this "fan" and I had some heated debates over Buffy trivia and the characters. It was close to getting ugly, my mom had to stand between her and me. Also, I didn't want to cause too much of a scene in front of Robert Englund last year. Everything she said about James was WRONG. Just WRONG, as I suspected. He was pleased to meet me - his words not mine. I had my picture taken with him, however he was not allowed to bite me or even pretend to bite me. He never explained why he "isn't allowed to bite people anymore." He said he could make a scary face but he did the same pose as Robert Englund and I quickly said, "No, you can't do that Robert Englund did that last year." So he looks a little shocked that I bossed him around but hey if I have to pay for the picture, it better be the way I want it. I had so many questions but lost my entire train of thought when I met the celebs, they were so much fun. It was a great time. Last year I had a list of questions in my back pocket. I think I should do that again for 2013. I never asked Norman Reedus about where in Nova Scotia that All Saints Day was filmed. I never asked him what;s going on with him and Carol on the Walking Dead. I never told him that as a redneck he is still absolutely hawt! But I did ask Sean Patrick Flanery to drop a toilet from my roof on to my neighbor, he said "you do what you gotta do." So I received full permission from Sean to drop a toilet on my neighbor whom I hate. I've met Julie Benz before and she is so sweet. I can't even describe her. She's just nice. We went to line up to meet her again but we were informed that she was done for the day so we left. We checked out some merchants as FanExpo always had the best stuff. This is the first year I haven't come home with t-shirts but like I said the Saints and James broke the bank. Completely missed the Criminal Minds team and couldn't get anywhere near Rose McGowan. Didn't even catch a glimpse of her. However, I did catch a glimpse of Stan Lee who had his own private booth and you had to buy ridiculously over priced tickets in advance to meet him. So long Spiderman. At the end of a very long day filled with long lines and over priced junk food we headed for home. We took the elevator up to the main floor of the convention center and who should get in the elevator with us...Ms. Julie Benz. This time, I wasn't so graceful as I said "Holy Crap! Julie Benz is in the elevator with us!" She shook my hand and I told her I started watching Dexter again but only because she had given me permission to in 2010. I made sure she knew it was only because she gave me permission. The perfect way to end the day. Sharing an elevator with Julie Benz. Before we headed for the bus station we had to take a picture of how successful my day was, meaning a picture of my chest. I am very proud of it. And completely in love with Norman. I can't wait for Season 3 of The Walking Dead. So excited. FanExpo is a double edged sword though, you wait all summer for it and then when it comes, it means it's the end of summer. So I try to keep the celebrity high for as long as possible. Don't worry, no autographs were tattooed to my skin. If I get one more tattoo, my mother will kill me and I will be homeless. She wasn't pleased with the large shamrock made of celtic knots on my back. Technically I have four,but only three are visible as one is covered up by another tattoo. Anyways, that has nothing to do with FanExpo, but here enjoy some pictures of the Saints.

Maggie

This little grey, blue eyed beauty is my mom's beautiful cat named Maggie. I find her somewhat annoying and irritating. Somewhat of a savage as she will eat the tomatoes off your pizza but she's a member of this family and as so, I love her. However, I discontinued my subscription to Pyschopaths Weekly. Had I continued my subrscription, I would have forseen tonight's tragic events. Our family has a neighbor that we do not particularly like but that being said, we keep our distance and mind our business. This woman has made it her life's mission to make our lives as miserable as possible. She calls by-law every chance she gets. Did you know you can't have weeds over 8 inches or there is a fine? She calls the police and files noise complaints if we watch a movie too loudly. We never, not once have ever complained about her. She drinks and parties in her backyard year round. Her drunken friends, lean over the fence and throw up in to our yard, she listens to the worst country music of all time. Yet, we have never said a word about her obnoxious behavior. However, tonight's actions have crossed a line. She poisoned our gorgeous little Maggie. She may get on my nerves but she is friendly and loving. You pick her up and she wraps her two front paws around your neck and actually hugs you! She's cuddly and sweet, sure she drools like a dog but that's all part of the Maggie charm. She was raised with our dogs, so naturally she would think she is a dog. So since it is so late at night, we sit here with our precious little girl and wait for her to pass. We've done the research and there is no way to save her from the poisoning. We have to wait it out or at least until morning when we can get her to a vet. We've been keeping her company and keeping her comfortable but it's awful to know there is nothing further we can do. It's horrible to watch her wither away and know the person who is responsible for this and we have no way to prove it. We complete an autopsy on a cat. Although, I love my cat, I can't afford an autopsy. What kind of a psychopath deliberately kills an animal? How twisted and demented do you have to be to harm an animal? A tiny, little cat? It's sickening and heartbreaking. I wish there was something I could do for my mom's adorable little cat but I can't. It's just terrible. I keep hoping Maggie will recover but it is highly unlikely. Keep you posted. PS, I hope this makes some sort of sense, I am completely exhausted from work. But I think you understand what's happening to my family.

The Good Girls Always Want the Bad Boys

I was drawn to you, I knew you would burn me. But the hot, bright, mesmerizing and all consuming flames drew me closer to you. I slowly stretched my hand out to touch the fire and my finger tips were burned. I wanted to pull back, but I moved further, closer to the flame until I was completely engulfed in the flames of infatuation. My face a glowing red while my heart was a flutter with the embers, sparks that flew off the flames and kept me enthralled in your words. The exact words I wanted to hear, I needed to hear and while a part of me knew it was all a lie, I needed to believe you. I needed to, for that one tiny moment, until I realized I wasn't mesmerized by the burning flame. But instead I was seated in the middle of a fiery hell, filled with lies and half truths. While my heart melted from the heat, you stood and watched. Never denying your betrayal and with nothiing to say, you turned and walked away. Leaving me standing in the ashes of what I thought we had, because in the end, the good girls always want the bad boys.

One Wish

I don't think I have ever blogged about my mental health before but it's been crushing me lately. My depression and my anxiety are slowly swallowing me whole in a sea of stress and emotional agony. I am drowning and sometimes, it seems like no one notices. No life jacket, just struggling to survive and make it through another day. The last few months have been full of stupid decisions in regards to my medication and treatment. I don't want to take my medication for a number of reasons. The first reason being, I was feeling better therefore, I don't need them anymore. The second being that they are way too expensive and I never have the money for them. Insurance companies won't touch me because of the depression and anxiety but the good news is Blue Cross says I can reapply in five years. That's oh so helpful right now. The third reason for not taking my meds is it will stop some vicious attacks from former "friends." For some reason, I seem to think that by not taking them, it will make me less "crazy." For the record, I am not crazy and crazy is not a bad word. We have made so many advancements in society, yet someone mumbles the words "mental health" and people fear those of us who are struggling. We can't talk about mental health openly and freely despite how far we've come. People fear us, they want to lock us away because we might do something abnormal, well what is normal? What is the definition of normal in today's world? Everyone has their own idea of normal, there is no cookie cutter mold to tell us what's normal. I can't mention any of this to anyone outside of my family because I fear the men in the white coats will come and get me. So I slap a smile on my face and dredge through each miserable day. I'm getting really good at pretending I am not in emotional and mental pain. I should have an Oscar by now. If I could have one wish, it would be that I never inherited this family trait. It's on both sides, so it was bound to get me but I am tired of the constant struggle. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of feeling sick. I am tired of crying and I am tired of sleeping all the time. I hate being flaky and unreliable because I don't know where my mind is from one day to the next. It makes keeping a full time job hard, it's difficult to keep plans with friends because my anxiety might pop up and prevent me from doing what I want. They say panic attacks can only last a total of 25 minutes, well when you're having a panic attack, 25 minutes is a REALLY long time. My doctor told me today that 7 out of 10 Canadians are currently on medication for depression and anxiety and we can't talk about that? That is "abnormal." I can't really tell my boss why I missed a day of work because I fear the repercussions. Nobody wants a flaky, emotionally unstable person on their team. So another little white lie and a doctor's note will have to suffice until my mind heals and I don't feel so fractured.

BTVS, Full of Grace

"It's just that we've stayed too long in the same old sickly skin, I'm pulled down by the undertoe, I never thought I could feel so low. Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go. I know I can love you much better than this - Full of Grace" Season Two season finale "Becoming Part II" of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Song by Sarah McLachlan "Full of Grace" One of my all time favorite songs and since I will be going to meet James Marsters next weekend, I thought some Buffy music would be a good way to kick off the countdown to FanExpo. Can't wait to meet James Marsters and Juliet Landau. I may be a screaming, crying over dramatic girl mess. I hate those chicks, so I'll do my best to behave.

Let me just say this...Either I'm your first choice or not at all. I don't play second to anyone. Especially a demented dirt squirrel. And let me take a moment to remind you I'm the best damn thing you never had. When shit hits the fan with that bitch you traded me in for, don't come round here.

FanExpo - Here I come

I am so excited about FanExpo this year, I litterally can not sleep. I am so excited to see the Boondock Saints. Norman F*cking Reedus!!! AMC's Walking Dead and Boondock Saints. Willem Defoe! Did I mention Boondock Saints??? James Marsters! I will meet Spike this year. No crying for me this year. I am actually going to go in costume this year. I am going to dress as a zombie apocalypse survivor to have my picture taken with Norman Reedus. I have my "Zombie Killing Shirt" and my Iron Fist Zombie Stomper Flats. I am going to get some toy guns and knives, need to be prepared for that sh*t. So many great guests this year, that nine days seem so far away. Stan Lee, the creator of Spiderman??? I love Spiderman. Juliet Landau of Buffy fame. I could die. John Carpenter? He has been scaring me since I was a kid. Jenifer Carpenter from Dexter? I just got into Dexter. Oh man, I am going to be in nerd heaven. Come on FanExpo, you seem so far away.

When Did I Get Old?

I'm turning 25 in March which seems so far away at this point but when I really think about it, I panic. When did I get so old? I was thinking about when I was underage and drinking was so much more fun. All the sneaking around and pilfering alcohol from my parents or my friend's parents. My liver was so young and could handle the late nights of binge drinking. No hangovers, no throwing up, no spinning bedrooms or the phrase "I'm never drinking again." We all use that one but we never stop. Now, I get exhausted before 3am and want my bed. My liver hurts in the morning, I have a huge headache and I get what I like to call the "flu." House parties were such fun and nobody cared about what you wore. Or where you passed out. It was one of the few great memories of my teens. I know that 25 isn't old at all but I'm beginning to wonder what I've done with my life so far. I'm also wondering why the hell nobody wants to go to Vegas with me for my birthday. If I'm going to start getting old then I better start it with a BANG!

School House Rock is right, knowledge is power.

I absolutely love when people call me fat. It really shows how much they needed that post secondary education. It's not even an insult as much as it is a reflection as to how limited that person's vocabulary is, and why they should have stayed in school. But follow your "dreams" and remember this five years from now when you've peaked.

I stand by my original decision that boys suck and they should have rocks thrown at them. I am beginning to believe that there is no such thing as a real man, just a little boy pretending to be one. Now where is the nearest convent?

Where is the respect?

I hate when people use the excuse "too busy to text you" or just ignore you completely. It takes less than 30 seconds to reply to a text message and if you are too busy then why did it take you "x" amount of days to reply? Common courtesy has left the building people. If you're ignoring someone because they said or did something to offend or upset you shouldn't you tell them? Last time I checked mind readers were few and far between. People seem to have no manners or respect for one another anymore. I hate being ignored, I hate being lied to and I hate being played. Most of all I hate being used. In case people forgot, we put on brave faces out in the world to pretend we are not hurt but the moment you leave us alone, it all comes pouring out. We are human beings, we have feelings and emotions. We can't toss those things aside, as much as we'd like to, as much as we wouldn't like to feel anything. There is no cure for bruised egos except time and for someone like me who has little to no patience, it could take a while. We all need to be honest with each other, it's the right thing to do, even if it may sting a little, honesty is always the best policy. So,isn't it time we all nut up and start treating each other with respect? Remember the manners and values our parents worked so hard to instill in to each one of us as children? Let's try to use those.

How can I feel this depressed when I'm on vacation after receiving a raise and promotion from work??? Oh wait, my "best" friend stabbed me in the back and the guy I was spending time with is now ignoring me. That's how. I've never felt so low or pathetic in my entire life.