Hunt and Peck

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST MAY NOT MAKE SENSE AND WILL HAVE COARSE LANGUAGE. I sit here using the hunt and peck method of typing. You may wonder why that is, am I inexperienced in the use of computers? No, that would be the simple answer. I am using the hunt and peck technique because my biological father who I have not spoken to in 7 years was an abusive bastard. He and my mom separated when I was about four years old but at that point the damage had already been done. My parents were married for a whole week before he laid his hands on her. He had no problem beating the shit out of my mom right in front of my eyes. He had no problem taking his aggression out on me or my baby sister. She was a baby, less than a year old. She has no recollection of his torment but I do. I can't tell you which is worse, the emotional or physical scars. Either way, the scars are there, a part of me. He pulled my arm out of the socket, dragging me around like a rag doll. Over time, scar tissue has accumulated and is easily aggravated sometimes by the smallest things such as brushing my hair, other times I can go weeks without noticing any pain. Lately, the pain has been unbareable and my doctor doesn't take me seriously. When I am in excruciating pain such as this evening I can't help but blame Daddy Dearest. Not only did he physically abuse his family, but he emotionally tormented us for years after the divorce. I never wanted to visit him when I was younger, I feared him. I had seen what he was capable of, and the memories are burned into my brain for the rest of eternity. When I did visit him, he couldn't be bothered with me or he ran his mouth about my mother, my grandfather and various other family members. He made it easy for me to hate him. The unexpected "visits" at school demanding to see his children, the drunken appearances at our doorstep, the suspicious vehicle following me for blocks every single day of my life from the time I was a small child until I was about 18. I know I sound paranoid but I'm not, these things are all true. I don't have one good memory of my father. Not one. I have lots of horrid, terrifying and disturbing ones but nothing good. Nights like tonight when I can barely move my right arm because of pain or numbness in my hand remind me of how much I despise him. I usually don't give him much thought as it is a waste of energy and time. It's so physically and mentally draining to focus your energies on hating someone but I'm already tired and I am in pain. I am entitled to a few tears and some curse words. He has no idea what he has done to me, how he has affected my family, the damage he has caused. He spirals in to your life for a brief moment, stirs shit up and bails. He fills your head with empty promises and disappears. Unfortunately for me he never disappears permanently, he rears his ugly head every few years. If I could have one wish, it wouldn't be to erase the memories or the past but rather that I don't suffer in physical pain. I am not limited in my activities when my shoulder acts up. I don't miss him or wonder why he did what he did, I've never asked myself what I did wrong, I've always known it was him. He may have fathered me but he is not my dad and he never will be. My dad is a great, big drywaller with a heart full of love. He has always loved me as his own, he has taken care of me and he stuck around through the very traumatic teen years. That's not to say I have the perfect relationship with my Dad, but we are close and I can't imagine my life without him. It may sound cheesy or cliche but I have the best Dad ever. He annoys me, makes fun of my taste in music, lectures me on money and does all the things a Dad is supposed to and I couldn't be happier. Just don't tell him that. Oh and my mom, she's pretty awesome too, she is my partner in crime. Drives him nuts but isn't that what girls are supposed to do? So my father may have hurt me, but he didn't break me and he never will. I will always live with this painful memory but I have so many others that are so much more important and dear to my heart. I have love, laughter and a wonderful family that he is not a part of nor will he ever be. Now to hunt down, something for pain so I can get some sleep. G'nite peeps.

FanExpo Toronto 2012 (For Marni)

Let me tell you about the fabulous Toronto FanExpo. As usual, there were so many people I wanted to meet but never had the opportunity but that's okay, as I wouldn't have traded that day for anything. My list of Celebs included; Norman Reedus, Sean Patrick Flanery, James Marsters, Juliet Landau, Julie Benz, AJ Cook, Matthew Gray Gubler, Kirsten Vangsness and Rose McGowan. There were other big names there but I wasn't interested in meeting them. My main concern was the Boondock Saints and the Buffy peeps. My first stop was with the lovely and charming Norman Reedus. He was so much fun and hawt! I asked him to sign my boob for Marni which he very willingly and happily did. He also took my digital camera and took some self portraits. Again, I can't say I had a problem with it. Next stop, was Sean Patrick Flanery. I've never seen a more beautiful man in my life. His eyes were absolutely gorgeous and again, I asked him to sign my boob. We had some pictures taken of him signing "my lovely flesh" - his words not mine. I look just a little too happy to have his autograph across my chest. His full name took up most of my collar bone. With the Boondock Saints completed, I had to meet James Marsters so there would be no repeat of the incident that occurred two years ago when I missed him and spent 8 hours crying my eyes out. Yes, I was one of those girls. But that was two years ago, I've grown and matured since then. I didn't have my picture taken with Juliet Landau unfortunately as the Saints and James broke the bank. I spent my bus fare home, paying for an autograph from James Marsters who told me I have "excellent taste." The year before I had met a Buffy fan who was in her late 40's - early 50's and she told me horrible things about James Marsters so I was somewhat hesitant to meet him, however, he was great. But this "fan" and I had some heated debates over Buffy trivia and the characters. It was close to getting ugly, my mom had to stand between her and me. Also, I didn't want to cause too much of a scene in front of Robert Englund last year. Everything she said about James was WRONG. Just WRONG, as I suspected. He was pleased to meet me - his words not mine. I had my picture taken with him, however he was not allowed to bite me or even pretend to bite me. He never explained why he "isn't allowed to bite people anymore." He said he could make a scary face but he did the same pose as Robert Englund and I quickly said, "No, you can't do that Robert Englund did that last year." So he looks a little shocked that I bossed him around but hey if I have to pay for the picture, it better be the way I want it. I had so many questions but lost my entire train of thought when I met the celebs, they were so much fun. It was a great time. Last year I had a list of questions in my back pocket. I think I should do that again for 2013. I never asked Norman Reedus about where in Nova Scotia that All Saints Day was filmed. I never asked him what;s going on with him and Carol on the Walking Dead. I never told him that as a redneck he is still absolutely hawt! But I did ask Sean Patrick Flanery to drop a toilet from my roof on to my neighbor, he said "you do what you gotta do." So I received full permission from Sean to drop a toilet on my neighbor whom I hate. I've met Julie Benz before and she is so sweet. I can't even describe her. She's just nice. We went to line up to meet her again but we were informed that she was done for the day so we left. We checked out some merchants as FanExpo always had the best stuff. This is the first year I haven't come home with t-shirts but like I said the Saints and James broke the bank. Completely missed the Criminal Minds team and couldn't get anywhere near Rose McGowan. Didn't even catch a glimpse of her. However, I did catch a glimpse of Stan Lee who had his own private booth and you had to buy ridiculously over priced tickets in advance to meet him. So long Spiderman. At the end of a very long day filled with long lines and over priced junk food we headed for home. We took the elevator up to the main floor of the convention center and who should get in the elevator with us...Ms. Julie Benz. This time, I wasn't so graceful as I said "Holy Crap! Julie Benz is in the elevator with us!" She shook my hand and I told her I started watching Dexter again but only because she had given me permission to in 2010. I made sure she knew it was only because she gave me permission. The perfect way to end the day. Sharing an elevator with Julie Benz. Before we headed for the bus station we had to take a picture of how successful my day was, meaning a picture of my chest. I am very proud of it. And completely in love with Norman. I can't wait for Season 3 of The Walking Dead. So excited. FanExpo is a double edged sword though, you wait all summer for it and then when it comes, it means it's the end of summer. So I try to keep the celebrity high for as long as possible. Don't worry, no autographs were tattooed to my skin. If I get one more tattoo, my mother will kill me and I will be homeless. She wasn't pleased with the large shamrock made of celtic knots on my back. Technically I have four,but only three are visible as one is covered up by another tattoo. Anyways, that has nothing to do with FanExpo, but here enjoy some pictures of the Saints.