Friday, December 06, 2013
I had to have an emergency appointment with the chiropractor today. My rib moved back into the unnatural position it thinks is it's natural position. Muscles have memories. We are working on changing 22 years of damage and memory. Things were going fantastically well and I was on my way to recovery and this is a setback. This puts things back to where I started. I was told today that there is a possibility that this may happen from time to time. It is excruciatingly painful to the point of nausea. I have the privilege of living with this for the rest of my life, therefore I will always be broken on some level. I'm angry. This isn't fair and the person responsible has no clue what he has done to me. Even if he did he wouldn't care. I know life isn't fair and we are sometimes given difficulties but I don't deserve this one. I don't deserve to be broken for the rest of my life.
One of my best friends is moving away. I am completely and utterly devastated. She isn't moving far but she is moving out of the city and I don't drive. Neither does she, it will be difficult to see each other but not impossible. We can write to each other because I prefer it over email. It won't be the same though. She is not only one of my best friends but my next door neighbor. She is like a little sister to me and I absolutely adore her two kids. We have spent so much time together especially in the last few months. We spend time painting our nails and drinking rum together. It never ended well for me but it was fun. Then as my shoulder issues became more prevalent, she was there to help. She helped me with blow drying and styling my hair. Helped me with my make up. She even fed me dinner, well cut the pieces of meat for me since I couldn't. My arm was placed in a sling at the time. We shared morning/lunch coffee together. Walked to the small mall, all the while having girl talk. We have had our fair share of shenanigans and tom foolery. Prank phone calls, silly nights out drinking and many other things I can't share as I am sworn to secrecy. That's what friends do we confide in each other and protect one another. We have bonded, not just as friends but as sisters. We love and care for each other like family. I enjoy spending time with her, she is another sister to me except she likes me and likes spending time with me. It's a struggle with my sisters and I to spend time with each other. She has listened to me vent, cry and laugh. We have shared so many secrets and stories. I can't imagine not seeing her everyday even if only in a quick passing. I absolutely love her two kids and I will miss them just as much. I feel as though I am losing part of my family. I never thought someone simply moving away could hurt so badly. I didn't think I could shed this many tears over someone moving to a city approximately half an hour away. The tears won't stop flowing and there is nothing I can do to make her stay. I wish I could. She moves next weekend. It's not enough time to say our goodbyes or at least so long. What will I do without her? Her home is my sanctuary when I am frustrated or need a break from my parents. I know this all sounds very selfish as I am focusing on me and how this affects me. I wish her the best, I truly do and I know that for her this is the right decision. It just sucks for both of us. She isn't gone forever, she isn't a million miles away but right now it hurts. It hurts both of us, that I know for sure. I will miss her so much but as she said she is just a text message away. It just won't be the same as running next door to tell her secrets, stories, gossip or anything else we want to chat about. Life changes, people change, everything has a time and a place. I just happen to dislike change, especially this one. I suppose everything has an expiry date. Our friendship hasn't changed or expired, just the living situation for one of us. I hope she knows just how much I will miss her in my life everyday. But before I keep going, I should stop writing before I start crying again.
Thursday, December 05, 2013
On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my chiropractor that was very successful. My body has decided (so far) that it would like to heal without the intrusion of drastic measures such as surgery. The chiropractor said that I only need a few more visits and I should be good to go that is if my body continues to cooperate. I was ecstatic when he told me that. I no longer need narcotics to help ease my pain, even though I still do have quite a bit, it is not nearly as bad as before. That was great news. That means if things continue to improve I can go back to work. I can continue my career in dental assisting. This was such a great day for me. It means things are turning around and it gave me new hope for the future. I won't ever be able to forget this ordeal but I will be able to move forward with my life. This will fade in to a distant memory. I can return to work and continue to achieve my goals. I don't have an exact date as to when I will be finished with treatment but with the new year quickly approaching, I will have a new start in life with some much needed healing. I continue to count my blessings and talk to God on a regular basis. I need to stay positive and focused on the future. I feel confident that things can only get better.
Tuesday, December 03, 2013
One of the things I am trying to do during this difficult period in my life is count my blessings. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude which is not always easy but I continue to try. Today, I am especially thankful for my three year old nephew. He brings so much joy to my life and I can't imagine him not being a part of it. I love watching him learn and discover new things on a daily basis. His laughter is infectious and he has such a great sense of humor for a little guy. His hugs and kisses always make me feel better and I anticipate every moment with him. I look forward to visits and phone calls. I love when he gets a hold of my sister's cell phone and sends me text messages full of toddler gibberish. Or messages from my sister telling me about his latest adventure or mishap. He certainly knows how to keep things interesting. He is one of the most important people in my life and one of my biggest blessings. I never knew how much I could love one person until he entered my life. I love this little boy more than I thought was humanly possible. I can only anticipate the years to come and watching him grow. I hope his little three year old heart knows just how much I love him. xoxo
Sunday, December 01, 2013
I am not an overly religious person but I believe in God, I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in spiritual healing. So I am going to pray. I am going to ask God to help me with my anger towards my father for all this pain and suffering that I am currently experiencing. Dear Lord, I am asking you to please help me with journey in healing. I need physical healing and just as important as that I need spiritual healing. I am so angry with my father for what he has done to me. I am in constant pain and I blame him. I am furious with everything. I fear that my emotions are taking over my entire body and that I may take my rage out on a family member or friend who doesn't deserve it. I would never physically harm someone. I can feel the changes in my attitude and personality. This is not who I am. I don't want to feel angry and I certainly do not want this hate in my heart. I feel it is a waste of time and energy yet I can't let go. Please help me heal my body and soul. I feel so lost and hurt. I don't want to feel this way and I certainly don't want to be this person. I know you have put me in good hands with my treatment. You have sent me friends and family who are actively showing their support and for that I thank you. I need that now more than ever as well. Please bless them for their kind hearts and words of comfort. It means so much to me to know that I have people who care about me and my well being. Please continue to bless them. Thank you. Amen.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Just like everyone else I have good days and bad days. On Thursday, I had my weekly appointment with the chiropractor. Unfortunately,there was no movement from my right shoulder blade or ribs on the right side. If we can't have my ribs and shoulder blade move on their own then we need to look at alternative options. Due to the damage my shoulder had sustained from multiple injuries, my shoulder blade has slid down over top of 3 ribs. This is what is causing the majority of the pain. Every time I inhale or laugh, my ribs rub against my shoulder blade. If I stretch or move a certain way, you can hear the bones making a cracking noise from rubbing against each other. Gross. I know. I live with it every single day. It sucks. So Thursday, no movement. Disappointing as hell. We worked both shoulders and nothing. So now I was in much more pain and filled with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I wanted to cry. I didn't. I think my psychiatrist has me on too many meds to actually cry. I think he thinks that if I start, that I won't stop. He may be right. I don't know. I also felt like I was going to throw up. Nausea and migraines are a common side effect when you are trying to move bones back in to normal position. It was a bad day. Yesterday was bad as well. It was the first day that I tried to go without taking anything for pain. I tried so hard but by 10pm, I couldn't hold out anymore. It was unbareable. I don't want to rely on narcotic pain killers for multiple reasons. One of them being that they are addictive and that is certainly an extra problem that I don't need. The second reason being that they are not readily available. It is unbelievably hard to have a doctor write a prescription for them, especially for someone as young as me. So it's best not to rely on them and take them in extremely painful situations. Today is a bit better. Minimal pain or discomfort but it's only 2pm and I have yet to truly accomplish something. I hope that today continues to be a good day because I could really use a break right now. Maybe today will be a karaoke day. I feel better after singing. I have no musical talent whatsoever but I always feel better after belting out a good song. It cleanses me and purifies my soul. That sounds like a good day to me.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
If you think about life, in simplest terms Life is a string of events tied together, along the way there are some twists and turns, maybe even some knots. When you lace your shoes, there's a bit of a zig zag pattern. Life can zig, it can zag. Your laces become dirty, tired and even knotted. We tie our shoes every day. We live every day, we breathe. We have zig zags,knots and we can be worn out. I learned how to tie my shoes when I was about three years old. My father had left the apartment. He had started hitting us kids and that was it. She would not tolerate it. We had a man named R move in to help pay the bills. He had gone to high school with both my parents. My room was now R's room and I shared with my baby sister. My great grandparents were mortified. They drove four hours to read my mom the riot act. But like most people in their early 20's she knew it all and had all the answers. R was staying. My great grandparents tried to reason with my mother. Did she know how this looks to others? How it affected the family image? They had no idea what my father had done. The torment we had suffered. They just knew she was now a single mom with two kids and a divorce hanging over her head. (It would take my father about seven years to sign those papers) R became an instant fixture in our home. He kept us safe from my neurotic father. At the time my father's hobbies included prank calling the house at all hours. Entering the apartment when no one was home, moving things around. Stealing things from us like the can opener. R fell in love with us as a family. We loved him back. He protected us, he provided us with some semblance of a normal life. We had a temporary reprieve from the tangled mess that had become our lives. R spent a lot of time with my sister and I. He brought us gifts. My favorite in particular was this giant white board. We would color for hours and hours. At some point, he began teaching me how to tie my shoes. I don't remember how long it took for me to do it. But I remember sitting by the door and every day he would show me. He was patient. Aside from spoiling us and teaching us things he also told me a fib that has stuck with me to this day. He once told me that if I slept with socks on, my toes would fall off. I believed that little fib for a very long time. And here I am, almost 26,and I won't sleep with socks on my feet. By the time I was ready for my first day of kindergarten, R was gone. We lived in a new apartment, different end of town. Sure, we still had troubles with my father but our time with R had come to an end. But the time we had was memorable and happy. That is what I remember. I refuse to let my father's actions tarnish those memories.(I guess we bought new shoes?) I recently tried to contact him. It was to no avail but if I could speak with him, I would thank him. Something I never did because I was too young to understand or appreciate. I wish my emails and whatnot had not gone unanswered but at some point we all have to move on. For me, moving on is a work in progress as I deal with the physical healing.At this exact moment, you could say I have a knot in my lace, one that is going to take some time to unravel. If by some miracle he finds this blog and this exact post, I want him to know how grateful I am to have had him in my life, even if just for a short time. He isn't forgotten, I mean how could I forget? I tie my shoes everyday.
I have been going crazy looking for my nativity set. My nephew has just turned 3 years old and I want to teach him about Christmas. It's not just about presents and Santa, although that is pretty awesome. I was the first grandchild on my mother's side. It meant I was spoiled by my grandparents, particularly by my grandpa. As I got older, and there were more grandchildren it was my duty to read the story of Christmas every year. I would read and the younger kids would set the nativity scene. As a preteen, I despised it. I felt as though everyone was looking at me and judging me. By the time I was 15,16,17 - I loved it. I loved the attention and it was a special tradition. One that I could actively participate in during the holidays. My grandpa passed away when I was 11. We all knew this would put a strain on the family and tensions would rise, causing rifts in our family. He was the glue that held everyone and everything in place. By the time I was 17, things had quickly unravelled. We were no longer a part of the extended family. By "we" I mean my mom, sisters and (step)dad. We were told we were no longer members of the Steeves family. It's ironic because my mother is the only biological Steeves family member. The siblings were all adopted when my grandfather remarried. I was heartbroken. My world was torn to shreds. We no longer had family traditions. I no longer had any aunts or uncles. No baby cousins to share the story of Christmas with, not until my sisters and I were old enough to have children of our own anyway. As with all things, time healed the wounds. I forgave them for their betrayals but I could not let anyone of them back in to my life. The damage was done and the trust was gone. Sometimes, it is better to let go and move on. It's what I did. Now if I saw one of them unexpectedly, I can guarantee a panic attack because a flood of emotions does come back. Suddenly, you notice that despite moving on, some wounds are still raw and tender. With the Christmas season upon us, I want to reinstate the tradition of reading the story and having the nativity scene put together as I read. When my nephew was first born, I purchased the Little People Nativity set. I can't find it anywhere. I am going crazy looking for it. He has just turned 3 (as of sunday) and I think he would understand some of it, or we could at least play with the nativity set. I'm not quite sure what bothers me more, the fact that I can't find it or I am realizing how much I have missed this tradition. It's also another realization that a lot of people have walked out of my life. It sucks. Seriously. People who are supposed to be your family, just leave. They walk away like you never meant anything to them at all in the first place. I can't imagine doing that to my family. No matter what the circumstance and believe me with two younger sisters, it can get ugly. But I love them. I have to give my mom a ton of credit for being a strong woman and helping us kids through the abandonment. She has always stuck by us and we have caused some serious headaches to say the least. My (step)dad also deserves some love for all the trouble we caused. I had a ton of issues with abandonment and it took a long time for me to trust him. He stayed. He stuck by me. So as I write this I wonder to myself am I bothered by missing this tradition and my inability to find baby Jesus. I would love to reach my nephew the story of Christmas and my grandpa's favorite carol - Silent Night. Or am I bothered still by the abandonment of my extended "family" The holidays always seem to bring forth a slew of emotions and it's difficult to make peace with them. I think I am bothered by not being able to find baby Jesus but maybe I am in denial. It's just another late night mystery running through my mind. I hope my prayers to St. Anthony, the patron saint of lost things doesn't go unanswered. This is one tradition, I would like to bring back even if it is on a much smaller scale with a one person participant.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
I have decided to share some secrets with you. I have a list of 10 things you probably didn't know about me. Or maybe you do but either way, here they are in no particular order of importance. 1. I'm not afraid of spiders, I actually name them before killing them for my mom but I hate when people try to put stickers on me.Is that a fear? Stickers? I don't know but I also hate when my hands are dirty or there is something sticky on them, hence the hatred for stickers. 2. I love the TV show Glee, however I am still so upset over the death of Cory Monteith that I have a hard time watching it. Never knew him personally but just loved him as an actor and I definitely had a crush on Finn Hudson. 3. My mom had a blanket custom made for me. It features a really creepy zombie from The Walking Dead. I'm afraid of it. If I use it on my bed, it goes over the top sheet but under the comforter so I don't have to see the scary face in the middle of the night. 4. I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 8 or 9. My sister who is three years younger than me had that figured out long before I did. 5. I have a medical condition called ITP. I won't bore you with all the details and what ITP stands for but I don't have enough platlets in my blood. That means if I bleed from an injury, it may take me longer than the average person to stop bleeding. Also, it makes me bruise really easily. 6. I received a Wii mini for Christmas last year and have only been able to play it a couple times due to my shoulder injury. I can't wait to have made enough progress in my healing so I can actually play it. I have a stack of unopened games. 7. I failed grade 10 math. My final grade was 29%. When the teacher called to tell my mom, he said he would pray for me. I still laugh at that. 8. I can cook. I can make a few things amazingly well but I can't stand cooking. I get bored easily and things get burned. 9. I once drank approximately 40-45 jello shots at a party. I didn't even feel drunk, nor did I throw up. I know there was booze in there because I made them. My mom still holds the record for drinking the most jello shots in our family. 10. I don't have a favorite color. I love them all, it just depends on my day. Well the color puce, I hate that because what is puce? Who came up with that? What a horrible name, puce. As a bonus, I will throw in one last bit of nerd info. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I started watching it in March 1999 when it premiered as a mid season replacement for the WB network. I have watched it so many times, I can recall character lines, episode names and what season they are from. I have met quite a few cast members but I would absolutely love to meet Alexis Denisof, even before Sarah Michelle Gellar. Shocking, I know. Well those are some of my secrets or silly facts that you may not have known about me. Since I can't sleep, maybe I will watch some Buffy. :)