Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Sink this (relation)ship

Someone please explain this to me; Why do my ex boyfriends feel the need to contact me a few days after the break up? I don't get it. I broke up with you. Shouldn't you be angry with me and cursing my name? Not messaging me with the "Hey girl." When I broke up with you I don't recall using the "let's be friends" speech because I think it is bullshit. It is a lame statement made by the guilty party to lessen the blow of the underlying message which is "I am dumping your ass." I don't use the "it's not you, it's me" speech either because it is always the other person or you wouldn't be ending a relationship. I state exactly why I am ending a relationship and sometimes there are things that I have to work on but for the most part, I have found some reason to break up with you or something just isn't working. That's exactly what happened here, things weren't working and instead of dragging it out for months on end, I sunk this relationship. Dane Cook's Vicious Circle talks about how couples drag out awful relationships because neither one is mature enough to end things. I think he uses the excuse "but all my CDs are in his truck." For the most part, this is true of relationships or at least it was with my first serious boyfriend. I didn't do that this time, I sucked it up, I made the decision to have a "conscious uncoupling" to quote Gwenyth Paltrow and the Coldplay guy's name because I can't remember it. But I am not a fan of Coldplay anyways (or Gwenyth). I know that sometimes it's a booty call, I'm not stupid. But, in this case, it's an "I miss you" message. Trust me on this one. I miss him too, but nothing has changed in two weeks. I am still the same girl I was two weeks ago. The girl you didn't want to bring home to Mom and Dad. So keep your hellos to yourself and leave me alone. Just because I broke up with you doesn't mean I am not hurting. My heart aches and I have to use every fiber of my being to restrain myself from sending that "Hello" message. When I said goodbye, I meant it.

Time to play catch up

So it has been a little while since I have been around and there have been lots of changes in my life. I have temporarily given up on my career as a dental assistant and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It's a time of self exploration and reflection for me as a person. I'm feeling a bit lost and not sure what to do but I am thinking of going to school or trying something new for a career. I just have to figure out how I want to spend the next 40 years or so. I have to find something that I will be content with as a career option for 40 years and some change. I have packed away my scrubs and dental equipment. Listed some scrubs for sale online. It was hard, a part of me was grieving for the career I thought I wanted. I cried as I packed up this part of me and my life. My shoulder injury has healed some but I don't know that I will have the strength and capability to be an assistant ever again. And let's face it, I have never fit the mold for "normal." I get these manic moments where I need another tattoo, a differet hairstyle (cut, color etc) or to shop until I break my bank account. I can't fit into the office atmosphere where I need to abide by strict dress codes, I can't stand being told what to do and how to do it. I am stubborn and always need to do things my way. This is not the recipe for a good assistant in a medical setting. So, we close this chapter and move on to the next. The future is unwritten and it is mine for the taking, just depends if I have the courage and bravery to push myself out of my comfort zone. That will be the hard part but time will tell. I have gone back on all my medication and I have finally received pain management for my shoulder. Turns out, if you complain to your doctor for 35 minutes straight she will eventually do something. I had insomnia for a few months. I was a wreck. I thought the medication wasn't needed anymore. I thought that aside from the insomnia I was doing great. Not so much. I didn't want to be locked away in a treatment facility so I went back on the meds reluctantly. My depression and anxiety were a little better but because I had been off them for so long, it was like starting the process all over again. Not fun, don't recommend it. The shoulder issue is still complicated and I have testing coming up to hopefully get to the root of all these problems. I have taken up knitting to help with the numbness in my hand and arm. I even made elastic loom bracelets, 76 of them to be exact. It has helped and it has kept me busy since I haven't been working. Knitted a half scarf that I am calling a pot holder, so far the dogs like to drag it around the house. At least someone is enjoying my efforts. I have seen a chiropractor, physiotherapist, massage therapist and acupuncturist to help with my shoulder. They have all been time limited amounts of relief so hopefully the MRIs and EMG will help. I hate feeling broken and useless. I couldn't lift a case of water in to the grocery cart for my mom. At that moment, I wanted to die from embarrassment. Here I am, 26 years old and unable to complete a simple task. My parents try to help me stay positive and focused on healing but it isn't always easy when you are the one living with the pain all day, every day. One of my former best friends has decided he is mad at me and I have absolutely no idea why. I have asked repeatedly with no response from him. However his jealous and insecure girlfriend blew up my phone with text messages. First she said, she was uncomfortable with him having female friends. That's weird because I thought her and I were friends as well. Then she said he was mad at me. I asked why and she told me I should talk to him about that. Easier said than done, sweetheart when he refuses to speak to me. Then it dawned on me, I don't need all this high school drama. I don't need a friend who has his girlfriend fight his battles for him. I don't need a "friend" who decides to attack me and my life via text. If you have something to say, say it to my face or don't bother. I told her I was done with the both of them and their childish behavior. I don't need my phone bombed with texts from a jealous girlfriend. I cut them out of my life. I don't want or need the negativity. I have enough to deal with and no time for childish drama. I graduated highschool 8 years ago and thought I left that behind because I couldn't wait to get out of there. It's really not about the number of friends you have but the quality of friends you have in your life. It has never been more true than it is now. I had the cleanest break up I have ever had with someone. It was a long distance relationship. They are tricky and love can be a fickle bitch at times. I have some serious trust issues which automatically complicated things. Then there is the fact that I don't drive and need money to take a bus to visit or spend time with my significant other. Money is tight, I am still not working due to my shoulder injury and I am having difficulty even finding a temporary part time job to earn some cash. But my now ex boyfriend wasn't holding up his end of the deal which was that he would come see me once a month since I did the majority of commuting to see him. Then he had two jobs and very little time for me. Things were starting to fall apart. Texts and phone calls became fewer and fewer by the day (made me a little crazy with the whole trust issue thing). I tried so hard to make things work, to fix the problems in our relationship. I saw a counselor about my trust issues and I searched for jobs. I could have done more or been more proactive with certain aspects but I wasn't. I could blame my depression or anxiety issues but I can't say for sure that it was the real issue. One day, when I finally did hear from my significant other, he was on a tear, a loud rant, yelling at me for things I did not know about related to his personal life and job. So I asked him point blank "Is this really working for you? I mean us, this relationship, the distance?" He said yes but I said no. I needed more from him than a once a month visit for three hours. I felt like I was doing all the work to maintain the relationship while he did not. I didn't break up with him because I don't love him or care about him. I broke up with him because at this time in our lives, we could not commit to each other the way we needed. It hurts like hell. I love too easily, I wear my heart on my sleeve and at the end of the day I expect the best from people. Maybe that makes me naive or stupid or childish but it's who I am. I loved this person, a part of me still does. I miss him, I have moments where it takes every fiber of my being not to contact him or tell him how much I miss him and I want to know how he is doing. Things are messy and complicated in my life. I don't know what I am doing or where I go from here. I know my heart needs to heal some more. I know I need to discover a new career option or just find a job to keep me busy and sane. That's about it, for now. I think we are all caught up.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

"And I hope to God I figure what's wrong..."

I feel like I am failing at everything in life. Not every aspect of life, I have many good things to be thankful for, but I can't get my career together. I need to go back to work but I have a lot of anxiety about it. I'm notoriously flakey but I am getting better. I lose interest quickly and space out. My skills could be improved upon greatly. Sometimes, I feel like I am not in the right field but I love it so much. I'm torn, do I keep trying or just give up?

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The Hidden Violence

When people say domestic violence, your brain automatically assumes physical violence. No one thinks about verbal abuse, let alone talks about it. It just slides by and is forgotten because the physical damage is so much worse. A moment in time can trigger the memory of verbal abuse. It's at that moment where you freeze, your body tenses up and you are smacked with flashbacks that you wish were nightmares. Unfortunately, you know better and it wasn't some horrible dream but rather your life. Everyone has experienced verbal abuse at one time or another. All it takes is for someone to cuss at you, call you a name or talk down to you. Anything that makes you feel horrible about yourself is verbal abuse. It's swept under the rug with a blanket apology until the next pile of verbal vomit comes your way. Then another apology. How many apologies do you need to realize that an apology doesn't mean anything unless the other person is willing to change that behavior and stop. You can have a million "I'm sorry's" or gifts or some sort of bribe but it is all meaningless if it continues. There is no need for verbal violence or abuse. It is toxic to everyone involved. The victim feels awful and the person responsible may not feel remorse and the hate will spread through them like a disease. The person responsible may even feel a sense of accomplishment for hurting the victim. It may be the exact response they were hoping for and it was achieved. People who have experienced verbal violence also need to rember this is not their fault. You cannot heal someone else's inner turmoil until they want to change. Something is wrong with the abuser to spread hatred like that. It doesn't matter what it is, it is still not your fault. Verbal abuse turns to mental abuse. Later, that becomes mental illness and a slew of pills won't take away the pain. Doctors, counselors, psychiatrists all try to work with you and help you. Does it really work? Does it make anything better? Sure, there is a temporary reprieve and for a short time you will feel better. I hate it when people tell me things like time heals all wounds or what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. No it doesn't. Don't say that. If you can't think of anything then don't say anything at all. The victim will eventually seek treatment but no one really helps the other person involved. If you think about it, they may have a mental illness or problem that caused them to act in such a manner. They will find someone else to beat down emotionally and the vicious cycle of verbal abuse will continue. Personally, I am tired of apologies that are empty promises. I refuse to be the receipent of loose lips and hateful language. I have no time in my life for negative people or their strong tempers. I will not be a punching bag for someone else's problem and neither should anyone else.

Monday, December 16, 2013

My family and GG

I lay here wide awake at almost 6am and it has just occurred to me that this Christmas we will not be receiving a card from GG. GG is my great grandmother who passed away earlier this year in July. She had a long and beautiful life. Many grandchildren and great grandchildren. She was even a great, great grandma. Not many people can say that. I never thought her passing would affect me.the way that it has, she lived 3-4 hours away. I never saw her very often but I knew she loved us. She wrote letters and sent cards to my mom. I would check the mailbox time and again, and every so often there would be something from her. A letter for my mom, with a pamphlet called Our Daily Bread. A small booklet with scripture and lessons on applying them to life. At Christmas she always sent a lovely card. Enclosed would be $10 and a note that instructed my mom to buy something for the girls meaning my sisters and I. I always wondered how we would split $10 three ways. Usually ended with ice cream. That's how you split the $10. This year, that won't happen. It's not the $10 or "lovely" card but the routine of checking the mail and seeing the card, with GG's elegant handwriting on the envelope. She is gone. So are the letters. When she passed away, it left a gaping hole in my heart. My mother's side of the family is slowly but surely fading. I felt that one of the biggest and most important connections to my deceased grandfather (her son),was gone. I never took advantage of asking her about the past, family history, my grandpa or what my mom was like as a kid, although I have a pretty good idea. I have two grandmas left. All my grandfathers are deceased. After GG, left us I did learn a few new things about my family. Some of them were supposed to be secrets. I met cousins and relatives, I never knew I had. It was a blessing in many ways. But nothing filled the hole in my heart. It is slowly healing and the hole gets a little smaller every day. I never knew how much I loved my GG until she was gone. I wish I had known her better. I can't undo the past but I can take full advantage of the present. I continue to learn more and my mom is hunting for cousins or other relatives. It brought a lot of us closer together. That's a wonderful thing but it happened during such a sad time in our lives. I miss her, much more than I thought I would. Death is a part of life. You can't avoid it, ignore it or deny its existence. With all this time away from work, I have had time, maybe too much time to think about life and how quickly it can pass you by. I know GG wouldn't want any of us to squander our time but rather to live, find happiness, joy and peace in our lives. She may be gone with her letters and cards but her memory lives on in each and every one of us who had the pleasure of knowing her. That is better than any card, letter or $10 bill in an envelope.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I am overwhelmed. I would cry but my shrink has me over medicated. God forbid, I should cry, I may not stop and we can't have that, can we Doctor? That is all.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Pills

Do you ever look at a bottle of pills and think about taking them all? I do. All the time. I don't want to die if that is what you are thinking. I just don't want to wake up. I don't want my life to be the mess that it is at the moment. What if I woke up a few weeks, months or even a year from now? Would that really change anything? I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed and hurt by certain events. Some of them family related that I do not wish to divulge. I just don't want to deal with the same childish behaviors or have the same conversations/arguments that have happened a thousand times over. I know that by having a comatose sleep and waking a few days or weeks from now wouldn't change anything except that I would have missed out on part of life. My problems would still be there and I would still have to confront them. It doesn't make them go away, if anything they would fester and worsen like a deadly infection seeping through the veins of all those involved. I have no answers, I have no solutions or ideas as how to resolve my feelings. Communication is supposed to be the key but how do you communicate to those who don't listen? You can't make them and you can't change their attitude. You just have to hold out hope and believe that things will get better. Pills or endless sleeping won't fix it, it's just another way to hide from the issue. So as tempting as pills can be, they sit in my nightstand drawer untouched. Just like they should be.

Friday, December 13, 2013

It's Not Goodbye

Two sleeps away from the big day. Shannon's moving day. Well I guess since I am writing this very early Friday morning it is technically one more night away. I was feeling better about her moving as I know this is something she has to do for herself and her kids. Doesn't mean I have to like it. All night long, I have been dealing with anxiety. Severe chest pains and odd breathing patterns. I realize now, that my anxiety is from feeling like I am losing my best friend when in all reality I am not. She is just moving half an hour away. That isn't far at all. It's not the other end of the world. I just became overwhelmed this evening with sadness knowing that she won't be right there anymore. A phone call or text message is all it takes to stay in touch but it isn't the same as having her next door. I enjoy spending time with her and I absolutely adore her little ones. I know that this is the best possible thing for her and her family. I have to keep telling myself that because this isn't about me. We are making plans to have visits and sleep over, girls night and all of those things. I look forward to them. I truly do but I wish I didn't have to make them and we could have tje spontaneity that has served us so well. It's one of the qualities I like about Shannon we don't make plans in advance we just go with the flow and roll with the punches. I have truly been spoiled by her friendship. Always there to listen to me vent my emotions, paint my nails, share her coffee, and so much more. Things will definitely be different without her around and I will miss her so much. I am positive that with time, I will move past my heartache of her leaving as she isn't that far away and we are still friends. I'm just saddened by her leaving. It's not the end and it is not goodbye. I have to remind myself of that and stop crying so much. I have another day left to spend some time with her and her beautiful babies. I need to take advantage of that and let her know that she can always come home to us. We may not be family by blood but we are family and that's all that matters. Good luck girly and sending blessings your way. May your new home bring you the fresh start and happiness you deserve.