Confessions

I pretend that everything is fine. I push everything down, bury it deep inside me and pray every morning that everything I've kept bottled up doesn't explode.
It's not working. I lay awake at night, unable to sleep, unable to turn my brain off. I take anti anxiety pills a few times a day. Nothing helps.
My anger and hurt is still rotting me from the inside out. My heart has healed but it still hurts. Hurts like hell. I can't escape the pain, not even in my sleep. It's all I dream about, and when I wake those dreams haunt me for most of the day.
I think of you and want to vomit. I think of what a waste of a human being you are and how any one with a heart and soul could do something so horrible.
I am not talking about the lies and betrayal anymore. I'm talking about the emotional torment I suffered for four days. The emotional abuse, the mind games, the abuse I was exposed to from the one person who claimed to love me.
When you dumped me, you left me in hysterics on your bedroom floor. Left me shattered, a fragment of who I was. I cried for you, begged you not to leave me this way. Your response " I can't watch this, it hurts too much to see you this way." And then you packed a bag and left me for her. On your way out the door, you asked your mom to help me. Told her I was in a fragile state and needed someone to help me. Then you walked out the door. Leaving me to pack my bags and find my own way home. You treated the trash better than me that night - at least you drove it to the curb.
You played mind games for four whole days. Blamed me for the demise of our relationship. The things that you said, the pain you caused me was so unbareable that I drank every ounce of liqor I had trying to numb the pain. It helped for a moment, but then the moment passed and I blamed myself because you made me believe. You made me an insecure little girl and after having your fun for four days, you came home and kicked me out.
Every word that came out of your mouth was a lie. I don't believe you ever loved me. You were 17 and I was in college. It was an ego boost for your low self esteem to date a college girl. You also won the bet among the crew at work. You had bragging rights. Everything was a game, everything was a lie and I stupidly believed it. I believed you, I trusted you and I loved you more than anything in the entire world. It would have been nice to know that I was nothing more than a bet. I wonder how much money you made off that. What was I worth to you? I at least deserve to know how much you won.
You manipulated me into believing everything was my fault. I constantly tried to change for you, I tried to please you any way I could and I was never good enough. You had me believing that the college educated girl wasn't good enough for the high school drop out, earning minimum wage at a medicore job.
You made me feel broken. You destroyed my heart. And I am not alright. I can pretend all I want, I can put on a smile and go to work. I can fool those closest to me, but I can't fool myself. Everyone says "just get over it" if it were that simple I would. I wish I could. I pray every morning, and every night before bed but it never goes away. It will eventually, and every day it gets easier but I can't keep hiding from it anymore. I can't keep pushing it aside as if it didn't matter. Even though, he never loved me, I loved him and that's going to take more time apparently.
"You were my first love, but you were also my worst love." Three Days Grace.
Never again, will I be made a fool of and never again will I change who I am for someone else.
I am better for it. You setting me free was the kindest thing you ever did because despite all my pain, I am doing well.I have a career that I love. I work for people who appreciate me and accept me as I am. I have a steady income - something we never had. And as it turns out, I have the best friends in the world. You may have cut me off from them and tried to sever my relationships but it didn't work. You didn't break me, I may feel that way at times but deep down, I am not broken and I know it. I sometimes feel like I'm dying without you or that I can't breathe without you. That feeling lasts only a second because you have been gone for months and I haven't died yet, I am still breathing. In fact, I am thriving without you.
I want to hate you but that takes too much energy and a low life like you doesn't deserve that much of my time.
Someday, you will be punished for what you did, how you treated me and the awful things you did but it is not my place to do that. Sometimes, I wish it was but I have faith that you will get what you deserve. You get what you give, just remember that.

New Tattoo

Three years ago, I got my first tattoo. It was a shamrock for my Irish heritage. I loved it, but in recent months I had begun to hate it. It reminded me of a time and a place that I have been working very hard to forget. It was never meant to be symbolic of that time but unfortunately it did. So it was time for the shamrock to go. I had loved it so much but every time I looked at it, I felt sick to my stomach. It brought up feelings of hurt and betrayal. I couldn't look at it anymore. IT HAD TO GO.
I have wanted to get another tattoo for a long time. I always wanted a monarch butterfly. My grandpa loved them and I wanted to get one for him. I just didn't know where I wanted to put it. I decided to cover up the shamrock with the butterfly. I couldn't get a monarch because the orange and white color patterns would never cover the shades of green. I had to pick a different one. I chose one that I liked. Colors that I liked and so the shamrock was covered in a little over an hour.


Before:


After:

The picture of the butterfly was taken about 24 hours after it was done. It's not fully healed and not looking as beautiful as it will in a few more weeks.

(BTW, the new Three Days Grace Album and the new Bif Naked Album are awesome. I am really enjoying how angry they are with whoever pissed them off. Check out "F*ck you 2" by Bif Naked or "Bitter Taste" by Three Days Grace. Actually, it's all good.)