Find the value of 'x' in the equation

One of the many things I do miss about my most recent ex boyfriend is that he lived about 45 minutes away and I don't drive. I would take the bus to see him, It took about an hour and half on the bus because of the stops at other towns/cities along the way. I didn't mind the commute, I would lose myself in thought about everything and nothing at the same time. My music from my iPod, drowned out the noise of other passengers. It is days like the last few where I wish I had that bus trip to give me a sense of peace. I would be able to relax and just breathe. The world faded away along with my problems and everything else that cluttered my mind. I don't have that anymore and I certainly don't have $30 just to travel to another city so I can think clearly. Whenever things get hectic or too much for me to deal with, I run. I run away from all my problems. I can't do that anymore. I don't have the money to just pack up and take a mini vacation from my life. I wish I did. But it isn't the most responsible thing to do and it never solves anything. I come home and my problems are still here. Waiting for me. They never left and sometimes they are worse than they were before. The person I usually run to in times of trouble is actually coming here at the end of May. Running away right now wouldn't help at all because I would just have to come home with this person. So skipping out of the province is completely out of the question. That means I have to deal with my problems. All of them. I am overwhelmed and exhausted. My best friend tells me to tackle one at a time. Easier said than done in this situation. I have anxiety just thinking about them all. Next week begins the week of medical testing to find the cause of pain in my shoulder. I have an appointment every single day. So does that count as tackling them one at a time? I almost wish I had my ex boyfriend to talk to about this, engineers are so logical and straight forward. No nonsense, no excuses, just plain and simple answers.

Sink this (relation)ship

Someone please explain this to me; Why do my ex boyfriends feel the need to contact me a few days after the break up? I don't get it. I broke up with you. Shouldn't you be angry with me and cursing my name? Not messaging me with the "Hey girl." When I broke up with you I don't recall using the "let's be friends" speech because I think it is bullshit. It is a lame statement made by the guilty party to lessen the blow of the underlying message which is "I am dumping your ass." I don't use the "it's not you, it's me" speech either because it is always the other person or you wouldn't be ending a relationship. I state exactly why I am ending a relationship and sometimes there are things that I have to work on but for the most part, I have found some reason to break up with you or something just isn't working. That's exactly what happened here, things weren't working and instead of dragging it out for months on end, I sunk this relationship. Dane Cook's Vicious Circle talks about how couples drag out awful relationships because neither one is mature enough to end things. I think he uses the excuse "but all my CDs are in his truck." For the most part, this is true of relationships or at least it was with my first serious boyfriend. I didn't do that this time, I sucked it up, I made the decision to have a "conscious uncoupling" to quote Gwenyth Paltrow and the Coldplay guy's name because I can't remember it. But I am not a fan of Coldplay anyways (or Gwenyth). I know that sometimes it's a booty call, I'm not stupid. But, in this case, it's an "I miss you" message. Trust me on this one. I miss him too, but nothing has changed in two weeks. I am still the same girl I was two weeks ago. The girl you didn't want to bring home to Mom and Dad. So keep your hellos to yourself and leave me alone. Just because I broke up with you doesn't mean I am not hurting. My heart aches and I have to use every fiber of my being to restrain myself from sending that "Hello" message. When I said goodbye, I meant it.

Time to play catch up

So it has been a little while since I have been around and there have been lots of changes in my life. I have temporarily given up on my career as a dental assistant and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It's a time of self exploration and reflection for me as a person. I'm feeling a bit lost and not sure what to do but I am thinking of going to school or trying something new for a career. I just have to figure out how I want to spend the next 40 years or so. I have to find something that I will be content with as a career option for 40 years and some change. I have packed away my scrubs and dental equipment. Listed some scrubs for sale online. It was hard, a part of me was grieving for the career I thought I wanted. I cried as I packed up this part of me and my life. My shoulder injury has healed some but I don't know that I will have the strength and capability to be an assistant ever again. And let's face it, I have never fit the mold for "normal." I get these manic moments where I need another tattoo, a differet hairstyle (cut, color etc) or to shop until I break my bank account. I can't fit into the office atmosphere where I need to abide by strict dress codes, I can't stand being told what to do and how to do it. I am stubborn and always need to do things my way. This is not the recipe for a good assistant in a medical setting. So, we close this chapter and move on to the next. The future is unwritten and it is mine for the taking, just depends if I have the courage and bravery to push myself out of my comfort zone. That will be the hard part but time will tell. I have gone back on all my medication and I have finally received pain management for my shoulder. Turns out, if you complain to your doctor for 35 minutes straight she will eventually do something. I had insomnia for a few months. I was a wreck. I thought the medication wasn't needed anymore. I thought that aside from the insomnia I was doing great. Not so much. I didn't want to be locked away in a treatment facility so I went back on the meds reluctantly. My depression and anxiety were a little better but because I had been off them for so long, it was like starting the process all over again. Not fun, don't recommend it. The shoulder issue is still complicated and I have testing coming up to hopefully get to the root of all these problems. I have taken up knitting to help with the numbness in my hand and arm. I even made elastic loom bracelets, 76 of them to be exact. It has helped and it has kept me busy since I haven't been working. Knitted a half scarf that I am calling a pot holder, so far the dogs like to drag it around the house. At least someone is enjoying my efforts. I have seen a chiropractor, physiotherapist, massage therapist and acupuncturist to help with my shoulder. They have all been time limited amounts of relief so hopefully the MRIs and EMG will help. I hate feeling broken and useless. I couldn't lift a case of water in to the grocery cart for my mom. At that moment, I wanted to die from embarrassment. Here I am, 26 years old and unable to complete a simple task. My parents try to help me stay positive and focused on healing but it isn't always easy when you are the one living with the pain all day, every day. One of my former best friends has decided he is mad at me and I have absolutely no idea why. I have asked repeatedly with no response from him. However his jealous and insecure girlfriend blew up my phone with text messages. First she said, she was uncomfortable with him having female friends. That's weird because I thought her and I were friends as well. Then she said he was mad at me. I asked why and she told me I should talk to him about that. Easier said than done, sweetheart when he refuses to speak to me. Then it dawned on me, I don't need all this high school drama. I don't need a friend who has his girlfriend fight his battles for him. I don't need a "friend" who decides to attack me and my life via text. If you have something to say, say it to my face or don't bother. I told her I was done with the both of them and their childish behavior. I don't need my phone bombed with texts from a jealous girlfriend. I cut them out of my life. I don't want or need the negativity. I have enough to deal with and no time for childish drama. I graduated highschool 8 years ago and thought I left that behind because I couldn't wait to get out of there. It's really not about the number of friends you have but the quality of friends you have in your life. It has never been more true than it is now. I had the cleanest break up I have ever had with someone. It was a long distance relationship. They are tricky and love can be a fickle bitch at times. I have some serious trust issues which automatically complicated things. Then there is the fact that I don't drive and need money to take a bus to visit or spend time with my significant other. Money is tight, I am still not working due to my shoulder injury and I am having difficulty even finding a temporary part time job to earn some cash. But my now ex boyfriend wasn't holding up his end of the deal which was that he would come see me once a month since I did the majority of commuting to see him. Then he had two jobs and very little time for me. Things were starting to fall apart. Texts and phone calls became fewer and fewer by the day (made me a little crazy with the whole trust issue thing). I tried so hard to make things work, to fix the problems in our relationship. I saw a counselor about my trust issues and I searched for jobs. I could have done more or been more proactive with certain aspects but I wasn't. I could blame my depression or anxiety issues but I can't say for sure that it was the real issue. One day, when I finally did hear from my significant other, he was on a tear, a loud rant, yelling at me for things I did not know about related to his personal life and job. So I asked him point blank "Is this really working for you? I mean us, this relationship, the distance?" He said yes but I said no. I needed more from him than a once a month visit for three hours. I felt like I was doing all the work to maintain the relationship while he did not. I didn't break up with him because I don't love him or care about him. I broke up with him because at this time in our lives, we could not commit to each other the way we needed. It hurts like hell. I love too easily, I wear my heart on my sleeve and at the end of the day I expect the best from people. Maybe that makes me naive or stupid or childish but it's who I am. I loved this person, a part of me still does. I miss him, I have moments where it takes every fiber of my being not to contact him or tell him how much I miss him and I want to know how he is doing. Things are messy and complicated in my life. I don't know what I am doing or where I go from here. I know my heart needs to heal some more. I know I need to discover a new career option or just find a job to keep me busy and sane. That's about it, for now. I think we are all caught up.