Domestic Violence: My Journey (so far)

I am the victim of domestic violence. I was physically abused as a child and what happened was not my fault. There. I said it. I don't feel any better. As I write this I fight back the tears that are coming to my eyes. After at least 8 years of fighting with doctors about my pain coming from my shoulder, I finally have someone who listened. I am finally being treated for these injuries. I truly thought that with all my years of counseling I wouldn't be angry anymore. If anything I am more enraged than ever before. Treatment has rehashed the past and opened old scars. I am so angry with him that I fear lashing out at the wrong people for the wrong reasons. The constant pain is a constant reminder that only furthers my anger. I don't want to forgive because I honestly don't think that I could. I would like to erase the memories from my mind and forget. Any memories I have of being 3 years old should be happy ones, not the horror of being dragged around like a rag doll by the one man you are supposed to trust more than anyone. My father. I shouldn't close my eyes and remember the hurt he caused my mother or my baby sister. I feel as though my whole life has been put on hold due to the injuries I have sustained. My career is at a standstill until I have recovered from physiotherapy, chiropractic treatment and massage therapy. In a few weeks if things aren't improving, I may be looking at other forms of treatment such as surgery. I feel like that little kid that is still being punished by her father for some unknown reason. I can't move forward until this has healed and I don't mean just the physical injuries but the psychological and emotional damage that is cluttering my mind. If I ever asked my father about why he did what he did he would lie and deny it. He would blame my mother and tell me that she has poisoned my mind with her lies. Thing about that is, if a young child suffers a severe trauma, they will remember it. I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. Except it has been 22 years and I still live with the physical pain of his actions. No one can ever give me the answer as to why he did it. No one can erase the past. I don't want to be a victim, but I am. This happened. It happened to me. Don't let it happen to anyone else. No one should have to suffer. I know there are people with much more severe stories than mine but that is their tale to tell. I don't want pity, I just want to share my journey with you. I want people to be aware of their actions and the consequences. I don't know if writing this and putting all my emotions out there will make me feel any better but for now it's a little less clutter in my mind.