My Punishment

I am tired of feeling angry and hurt. I am frustrated and I am bored. I have nothing but time on my hands, so I dwell on everything that has happened to me in the last six weeks. I think I am being punished for the way I've acted in the last three years. I've caused my family a lot of pain and hurt and they are still upset. And they have every right to be because I wasn't a nice person. Being with Spencer changed me into someone that wasn't kind. I don't blame him for it, I made my own choices. I damaged my relationships on my own. I was selfish and I made a lot of mistakes.
My sister is the most angry with me and I deserve it. I deserve every ounce of anger she deals me. I don't blame her for being angry or hurt with me.
I think I lost my job because I was so selfish and I needed to be knocked down.
I think Spencer broke up with me because in a lot of respects, I took advantage of him. We both made mistakes and all I've done is blame him for everything that went wrong. I made mistakes, I am not perfect but I wasn't lying when I said that I tried. I am a very determined person and I don't give up easily. He still needs to own up to his own actions, especially all the lies and deception but I can't make him do anything. He has made that quite obvious. I am hurt by what he has done to me, that's not a lie. He ultimately ended and destroyed the relationship but we had tons of problems. Lots of problems that it took two people to make. Maybe these problems were never meant to be fixed. He denies cheating but he looks pretty damn guilty and I really wonder if he ever did love me at all. I will never know and I just have to let it go. I have to learn how to forgive because this anger is rotting me from the inside out. I am constantly irritated and cranky. I am tired of it.
I am tired of the animosity between my sister and I. I wasn't very nice to her today. I took all my anger and frustration out on her. It wasn't fair. I was wrong.
I don't blame her for being angry with me for moving home, especially after how mean I was today. I let my anger get the better of me.
Everything that has happened to me in the last six weeks is because I was a bad person and karma is kicking my ass, knocking me down. I lost everything important to me because I was stupid and greedy. This is my punishment. I can't find a job because I don't deserve one. Maybe because I was such a bad person, I won't be able to have the things that I want. Maybe because of how I behaved, I will never have my dental assisting job or my Lincoln MKX and beautiful house. I took things for granted and now I am being punished for it.
I can apologize as many times as I want but I can't force someone to forgive me, especially if they are still hurting. It's something that I will have to earn, and I will have to be patient about it. I really never meant to hurt anyone, I just couldn't see anything but myself and especially Spencer. There is nothing that I wouldn't have done for him. I traded my own family for something that turned out to be a bunch of pretty lies.
I was wrong and I am sorry. I don't know what else to say, is there really anything else I can say?
Maybe now, that I've owned up to my actions, karma can stop kicking me in the proverbial teeth because I don't think that I can take much more.