Random Me and Stuff

"Oh darkness, I feel like letting go..." I don't know where I am in terms of my depression and mental health, somewhat lost I suppose. I take my meds sporatically at best, if I remember to take them at all. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like for my family if I were dead. I don't want to die, just a morbid curiousity. I wonder if I would have peace and if my mind would stop racing. I wonder how my sisters would grow and change, how my nephew would grow up, how he would change, what will he become. Sometimes, I just wonder what is there to live for? I am burdened by financial stress, a large mess that I created, I constantly doubt my professional skills and panic about the future of my career. Am I in the right field? Did I make the right choices? I am disappointed in myself, I had such high hopes for myself, this is not where I thought I would be at 24. I remember in high school when I was 15, we had to make a time capsule and write an essay on where we thought we would be in 10 years. Well, I did not think I would be living at home, paying off ridiculously large amounts of debt. I thought I would have a car, and my own apartment at least. Not mooching off my broke parents. I thought I would have the perfect boyfriend and we would be living happily ever after. The situation, I have put myself in, is not at all what I pictured. I thought I would have gotten some traveling in by now. My dream trip to Ireland is nowhere in sight. I feel like a mess, and everytime I try to clean it up, I feel that I only make things worse. I am old enough to know better, yet I continually make stupid decisions. My shrink is going to be so pissed when I see him next month. Anyways, just needed to vent before bed. "It's just that we've stayed too long, in the same old sickly skin."