And so it begins again

I survived one night without cutting my arm or trying to harm myself. I talked to my mom for hours. I tried to explain that it was an impulse. A compulsion that made me want to do this, there were no voices in my head just a burning desire to want to do it again. I managed to make it through one night before I did it again. I took apart a razor and used the blade to make these lines and cuts all over my wrist. They were quick and angry strokes making a mess of my wrist. I came to my mom, giving up the contraband razor. I terrified her. She screamed at me in sheer terror. She told me to pack a bag and I had no choice. I was going to the hospital. I was crying and trying to put a few essential items into a knapsack. 1am in the morning and sobbing in the back seat of my brother in law's car, we drove to the hospital. Everyone e asks me, what made me do it, to that I have no explanation other than I felt this need to do it. We arrived at the hospital and that was another whole mess of things, this time a mess I did not create.