Home Again

I was home at last. It felt better than good. The first thing I did was unpack and take a shower. A much needed one at that. As promised, I handed over any contraband from my room. It was my knitting supplies. With the scissors and metal knitting needles gone, my room was once again a safe haven. Part of the deal to return home was that I had to tell someone whenever I was feeling the need to self harm. So far, I have managed to keep myself from doing something like that again. If I stumble with this issue again, the only choice I have left is to go to a hospital four hours away. I would be truly alone then. My parents don't drive, so transportation and cost would be a big issue and I would miss out on the other important things happening close to home. It would be heart breaking for me to be so far away from home and my family. I haven't fallen yet, I am trying so hard not to but there is something inside me that wants me to harm myself. I have this urge to, I make plans in my head but I don't follow through on them. The fear of going to a clinic four hours away for four months is terrifying. But that need is there and I am trying so hard to move past it. My hands begin to shake and it's in that moment that I know I could do it. I don't, I tell someone. I talk to someone about it. I haven't discovered what my exact triggers are that make me want to do myself harm. It's not about death or dying. It's about the release I feel after the blood starts to flow. I can breathe again. It feels good in a sick way. Even though, I am experiencing physical pain, everything else feels right. It's twisted and doesn't make much sense but that is why I need help. I need to work through my fears, anxieties and depression. That's what I am currently working on, slowly but surely.