Maggie

This little grey, blue eyed beauty is my mom's beautiful cat named Maggie. I find her somewhat annoying and irritating. Somewhat of a savage as she will eat the tomatoes off your pizza but she's a member of this family and as so, I love her. However, I discontinued my subscription to Pyschopaths Weekly. Had I continued my subrscription, I would have forseen tonight's tragic events. Our family has a neighbor that we do not particularly like but that being said, we keep our distance and mind our business. This woman has made it her life's mission to make our lives as miserable as possible. She calls by-law every chance she gets. Did you know you can't have weeds over 8 inches or there is a fine? She calls the police and files noise complaints if we watch a movie too loudly. We never, not once have ever complained about her. She drinks and parties in her backyard year round. Her drunken friends, lean over the fence and throw up in to our yard, she listens to the worst country music of all time. Yet, we have never said a word about her obnoxious behavior. However, tonight's actions have crossed a line. She poisoned our gorgeous little Maggie. She may get on my nerves but she is friendly and loving. You pick her up and she wraps her two front paws around your neck and actually hugs you! She's cuddly and sweet, sure she drools like a dog but that's all part of the Maggie charm. She was raised with our dogs, so naturally she would think she is a dog. So since it is so late at night, we sit here with our precious little girl and wait for her to pass. We've done the research and there is no way to save her from the poisoning. We have to wait it out or at least until morning when we can get her to a vet. We've been keeping her company and keeping her comfortable but it's awful to know there is nothing further we can do. It's horrible to watch her wither away and know the person who is responsible for this and we have no way to prove it. We complete an autopsy on a cat. Although, I love my cat, I can't afford an autopsy. What kind of a psychopath deliberately kills an animal? How twisted and demented do you have to be to harm an animal? A tiny, little cat? It's sickening and heartbreaking. I wish there was something I could do for my mom's adorable little cat but I can't. It's just terrible. I keep hoping Maggie will recover but it is highly unlikely. Keep you posted. PS, I hope this makes some sort of sense, I am completely exhausted from work. But I think you understand what's happening to my family.

The Good Girls Always Want the Bad Boys

I was drawn to you, I knew you would burn me. But the hot, bright, mesmerizing and all consuming flames drew me closer to you. I slowly stretched my hand out to touch the fire and my finger tips were burned. I wanted to pull back, but I moved further, closer to the flame until I was completely engulfed in the flames of infatuation. My face a glowing red while my heart was a flutter with the embers, sparks that flew off the flames and kept me enthralled in your words. The exact words I wanted to hear, I needed to hear and while a part of me knew it was all a lie, I needed to believe you. I needed to, for that one tiny moment, until I realized I wasn't mesmerized by the burning flame. But instead I was seated in the middle of a fiery hell, filled with lies and half truths. While my heart melted from the heat, you stood and watched. Never denying your betrayal and with nothiing to say, you turned and walked away. Leaving me standing in the ashes of what I thought we had, because in the end, the good girls always want the bad boys.

One Wish

I don't think I have ever blogged about my mental health before but it's been crushing me lately. My depression and my anxiety are slowly swallowing me whole in a sea of stress and emotional agony. I am drowning and sometimes, it seems like no one notices. No life jacket, just struggling to survive and make it through another day. The last few months have been full of stupid decisions in regards to my medication and treatment. I don't want to take my medication for a number of reasons. The first reason being, I was feeling better therefore, I don't need them anymore. The second being that they are way too expensive and I never have the money for them. Insurance companies won't touch me because of the depression and anxiety but the good news is Blue Cross says I can reapply in five years. That's oh so helpful right now. The third reason for not taking my meds is it will stop some vicious attacks from former "friends." For some reason, I seem to think that by not taking them, it will make me less "crazy." For the record, I am not crazy and crazy is not a bad word. We have made so many advancements in society, yet someone mumbles the words "mental health" and people fear those of us who are struggling. We can't talk about mental health openly and freely despite how far we've come. People fear us, they want to lock us away because we might do something abnormal, well what is normal? What is the definition of normal in today's world? Everyone has their own idea of normal, there is no cookie cutter mold to tell us what's normal. I can't mention any of this to anyone outside of my family because I fear the men in the white coats will come and get me. So I slap a smile on my face and dredge through each miserable day. I'm getting really good at pretending I am not in emotional and mental pain. I should have an Oscar by now. If I could have one wish, it would be that I never inherited this family trait. It's on both sides, so it was bound to get me but I am tired of the constant struggle. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of feeling sick. I am tired of crying and I am tired of sleeping all the time. I hate being flaky and unreliable because I don't know where my mind is from one day to the next. It makes keeping a full time job hard, it's difficult to keep plans with friends because my anxiety might pop up and prevent me from doing what I want. They say panic attacks can only last a total of 25 minutes, well when you're having a panic attack, 25 minutes is a REALLY long time. My doctor told me today that 7 out of 10 Canadians are currently on medication for depression and anxiety and we can't talk about that? That is "abnormal." I can't really tell my boss why I missed a day of work because I fear the repercussions. Nobody wants a flaky, emotionally unstable person on their team. So another little white lie and a doctor's note will have to suffice until my mind heals and I don't feel so fractured.

BTVS, Full of Grace

"It's just that we've stayed too long in the same old sickly skin, I'm pulled down by the undertoe, I never thought I could feel so low. Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go. I know I can love you much better than this - Full of Grace" Season Two season finale "Becoming Part II" of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Song by Sarah McLachlan "Full of Grace" One of my all time favorite songs and since I will be going to meet James Marsters next weekend, I thought some Buffy music would be a good way to kick off the countdown to FanExpo. Can't wait to meet James Marsters and Juliet Landau. I may be a screaming, crying over dramatic girl mess. I hate those chicks, so I'll do my best to behave.

Let me just say this...Either I'm your first choice or not at all. I don't play second to anyone. Especially a demented dirt squirrel. And let me take a moment to remind you I'm the best damn thing you never had. When shit hits the fan with that bitch you traded me in for, don't come round here.

FanExpo - Here I come

I am so excited about FanExpo this year, I litterally can not sleep. I am so excited to see the Boondock Saints. Norman F*cking Reedus!!! AMC's Walking Dead and Boondock Saints. Willem Defoe! Did I mention Boondock Saints??? James Marsters! I will meet Spike this year. No crying for me this year. I am actually going to go in costume this year. I am going to dress as a zombie apocalypse survivor to have my picture taken with Norman Reedus. I have my "Zombie Killing Shirt" and my Iron Fist Zombie Stomper Flats. I am going to get some toy guns and knives, need to be prepared for that sh*t. So many great guests this year, that nine days seem so far away. Stan Lee, the creator of Spiderman??? I love Spiderman. Juliet Landau of Buffy fame. I could die. John Carpenter? He has been scaring me since I was a kid. Jenifer Carpenter from Dexter? I just got into Dexter. Oh man, I am going to be in nerd heaven. Come on FanExpo, you seem so far away.

When Did I Get Old?

I'm turning 25 in March which seems so far away at this point but when I really think about it, I panic. When did I get so old? I was thinking about when I was underage and drinking was so much more fun. All the sneaking around and pilfering alcohol from my parents or my friend's parents. My liver was so young and could handle the late nights of binge drinking. No hangovers, no throwing up, no spinning bedrooms or the phrase "I'm never drinking again." We all use that one but we never stop. Now, I get exhausted before 3am and want my bed. My liver hurts in the morning, I have a huge headache and I get what I like to call the "flu." House parties were such fun and nobody cared about what you wore. Or where you passed out. It was one of the few great memories of my teens. I know that 25 isn't old at all but I'm beginning to wonder what I've done with my life so far. I'm also wondering why the hell nobody wants to go to Vegas with me for my birthday. If I'm going to start getting old then I better start it with a BANG!

School House Rock is right, knowledge is power.

I absolutely love when people call me fat. It really shows how much they needed that post secondary education. It's not even an insult as much as it is a reflection as to how limited that person's vocabulary is, and why they should have stayed in school. But follow your "dreams" and remember this five years from now when you've peaked.

I stand by my original decision that boys suck and they should have rocks thrown at them. I am beginning to believe that there is no such thing as a real man, just a little boy pretending to be one. Now where is the nearest convent?

Where is the respect?

I hate when people use the excuse "too busy to text you" or just ignore you completely. It takes less than 30 seconds to reply to a text message and if you are too busy then why did it take you "x" amount of days to reply? Common courtesy has left the building people. If you're ignoring someone because they said or did something to offend or upset you shouldn't you tell them? Last time I checked mind readers were few and far between. People seem to have no manners or respect for one another anymore. I hate being ignored, I hate being lied to and I hate being played. Most of all I hate being used. In case people forgot, we put on brave faces out in the world to pretend we are not hurt but the moment you leave us alone, it all comes pouring out. We are human beings, we have feelings and emotions. We can't toss those things aside, as much as we'd like to, as much as we wouldn't like to feel anything. There is no cure for bruised egos except time and for someone like me who has little to no patience, it could take a while. We all need to be honest with each other, it's the right thing to do, even if it may sting a little, honesty is always the best policy. So,isn't it time we all nut up and start treating each other with respect? Remember the manners and values our parents worked so hard to instill in to each one of us as children? Let's try to use those.

How can I feel this depressed when I'm on vacation after receiving a raise and promotion from work??? Oh wait, my "best" friend stabbed me in the back and the guy I was spending time with is now ignoring me. That's how. I've never felt so low or pathetic in my entire life.

The Soap Opera of my 20's

I always thought my 20's would be better than my teens. In some ways, yes my twenties are much better but in other ways it feels like I never left high school. When I was in high school, I got in and out of there as fast as I could. I hated it. I was looking forward to being done with school, homework and most importantly the daily drama that keeps you feeling like you are in a never ending soap opera, except Susan Lucci is never around in inappropriate clothes for a woman her age.
In high school we always had to plan our futures and complete projects on "where do you think you'll be in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years?" I can tell you I am no where close to where I thought I would be in my life. That's okay, I have accepted that, I made some stupid choices but I am told that's what your early 20's are for, bad choices. I have accomplished that, oh and I beat teen pregnancy. That's a win right there.
My life is great in a lot of ways, I have a career, I am done school, my family is very supportive and they love me but my friends seems to be the root of some of my troubles. My best "friend" has taken to bullying me. Yes, you can still be bullied in your early to mid twenties. Sad, isn't it? She destroyed a budding relationship between an awesome guy and myself simply because she could. A real man doesn't wander away but the pure fact that she had to lie and manipulate and scheme her way in to things is so hurtful. People do horrible things simply because they can. She is no longer my friend, well I don't think she ever really was my friend if she could do these types of things. I am not completely innocent, it takes two people to fight but I never said or did any of the things she did. I don't think I ever could.
I don't want my life to be an over dramatic romantic movie. I want things plain and simple. I don't want or need the daily soap opera, especially if there is no one famous around to play a great role along side me.
I won't let her ruin my summer, or allow her to hurt me anymore, but it doesn't mean the sting of betrayal has vanished. I wish it would because it's too much energy to be hurt and angry with somebody over dumb things but my mind and especially my heart won't let me. My mind always tells me the right thing to do but I always end up following my heart even in to situations I know have the potential to be emotionally dangerous.
I am a naive day dreamer in a lot of respects and I often wish my lovely day dreams were reality but life doesn't work that way. It's messy and complicated and confusing. In high school no one ever says "by the way things are better than being an over emotional teenager but life still sucks and here's why..." No one ever says that, not even in Career Studies courses. No one ever tells you that in your early 20's you go through a time of depression where you don't understand why you are here or what your purpose is or yes things will get better if you can survive the brutal depression phase. Like I said, my 20's are better than my teen years bur couldn't they be amazing instead? Drama free? No over played soap opera story line?
I'm just asking for a simple kind of life, is that too much to ask?

Weirdest Analogy Ever

Weirdest analogy I have ever heard was given to me by my best friend. She told me that single girls are like cake. Delicious on their own but add some ice cream or a guy and it's an even better dessert. My response to that...What if I'm an ice cream cake? I think I'm pretty damn good on my own and I don't need a guy. Besides what's better than ice cream cake?

Why Yes, I am a Sex God

Out of all my friends, I have the least amount sex, this is a known fact and I'm not ashamed of it either. It's not about the quantity, more about the quality. Keep that in mind. However, that being said, why do they all come to me with their sexual snafus. Ladies, pick up an issue of Cosmo, browse the net, go to the library, anything but me. I don't need ALL the details, some are okay but not all of them. If you don't like it rough, tell him, if you don't like hickies tell him. They aren't mind readers. It's not just the ladies but the men coming to me as well with their questions. Did I miss my calling as a sex education teacher? Why me? Why do I actually answer their questions or research the answers, well my curiousity gets the better of me. Sometimes it's interesting or disgusting or just plain confusing but at least I am knowledgeable.
Why do I need to research anal bleaching? Why did I actually do it, well it piqued my interest to be honest and as suspected I found it gross. Why do I get asked what the best condoms are? I get all sorts of these questions. I don't effing know and I would think that everyone has their own preference. So,the only conclusion I can come to is that I am a Sex God and these people worship me. It's the only logical explanation. I am indeed a SEX GOD.

Daddy's Little Girl

A while ago my dad and I had a fight. He said some pretty terrible things about me that really hurt my feelings. A few days later he apologized and said he didn't mean them. It was a heart felt apology and he was truly sorry so I forgave him.
Truth is, I don't think I was ready to really forgive him because I can't let it go.
It has put a strain on our relationship and sometimes being around him still hurts. I can't say anything because I forgave him, I accepted the apology and it would be wrong to throw it back in his face or rehash something I had supposedly forgiven.
I am having difficulty coping with what was said, as I have always wanted to be Daddy's Little Girl and now that has been taken away from me. I don't want to cause another fight and I certainly don't want to hurt his feelings but I don't know what to do or how to let go of what happened. If I wasn't ready to forgive I should have been honest but I just didn't want the hostility between us to drag out and create friction within the family dynamic. In this situation, I am lost and confused. I don't want to feel this way but I can't let it go, just not yet.
I am very hurt and saddened by the things he said to me, it was not something I deserved and it completely shocked me. I know we all say things we don't mean when we are upset and I truly believe that this was one of those situations but it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I hope that by writing and sharing my feelings that this will help me move on and let go of the past. I really do want to move forward, I love my Dad but right now things are just a little off between us. I hope we can repair our relationship and I can go back to being Daddy's Little Girl.

Why I Love Gemma Teller

Why do I love Gemma Teller? Katey Sagal's character on the amazing show Sons of Anarchy. Let me tell you why, 10 specific reasons.
1. She carries guns
2. She carries knives
3. She kicks ass
4. She breaks noses with one swift elbow to the face
5. She has a bad attitude (love it)
6. She has a big mouth
7. She can hold her own and doesn't necessarily need a man
8. She has the best damn boots I have ever seen
9. I adore her clothes
10. She is sneaky and always gets what she wants
As a bonus she can hotwire a car.
I think I aspire to be the ass kicking Gemma Teller minus the criminal record, murder and rape. Katey Sagal's character is strong and independent and we don't see much of that anymore. Her character may not be society's idea of the perfect civilian but damn she's strong willed and stands by her decisions. As far as SOA is concerned, she may be the best damn character. Yep, totally love Gemma.

I survived 2010

I know the year isn't quite over yet but I've had so many thoughts racing through my mind that I've barely slept in days.
Let's be honest - this year sucked for me. It started off horribly.
I was in a dead end relationship and everyone knew it, except for me, well maybe I knew and I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I was cut off from friends and family, I had this "boyfriend" who mentally tormented me and took away everything important to me. He made me feel so awful about myself, I cried all the time. I cried myself to sleep, I cried in the shower. I cried as long as no one saw me because I wanted to put on this brave face and pretend everything was fine. Turns out, hiding your problems doesn't fix them, they surface and nothing good comes from it. Just a lot of heartache and more tears. Ten months ago, I felt as though I couldn't breathe, like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I felt as though half of my body was missing. How was I to live on my own? How am I ever going to take care of myself? I had someone do that for three years. To make things extraordinarily worse, I lost my job and was left with 3 years worth of credit card debt. The person I trusted more than anything in this world, just walked away, like the last 3 years never took place. Just a bad dream right? Not for me. I had nothing but time. Too much time on my hands. I criticized every aspect of myself before I realised there really is nothing wrong with me - it was him. He lied, he cheated, he abused drugs and became this shell of a person I knew. I don't cry over him, I actually don't miss him at all. This is more of a reflection of the year 2010. All of these things happened to me before March 1st, 2010. Five days away from my 22ND birthday. Everyone told me this would be a great learning experience. I didn't want a learning experience. I wanted my life back because no matter how terrible it was, I was comfortable with it and here I was thrown out of my comfort zone.
Finally, in May things turned around. I found my dream job, all my hard work in school was beginning to pay off. I work with a great team of people who encourage me to learn and grow as a dental assistant. I earn more than minimum wage which I really like.
I was able to go to Halifax and visit relatives. I saw the ocean again for the first time in 6 years! I experienced Nova Scotia in the summer, something I have never done before. Turns out, you can drink on boats and it's called a booze cruise and it is really cool. You don't have to be drunk to feel drunk on a booze cruise
I healed my relationship with my best friend, over lots and lots of gin/vodka - whatever suited our mood that particular night. I went to the Toronto Zoo for the first time since I was a little kid. There were some awesome polar bears this year. And hippos.
I've been able to spend time with my Grandma again which I love.
I can shop without feeling guilty, I can buy designer things and actually enjoy them.
I became an auntie to a gorgeous little boy who I love more than anything and I can spoil him rotten.
I am comfortable with myself, I am so happy to be on my own, to learn who I really am, without being a part of a couple. Couples kinda suck, because you have to compromise and I don't want to do that anymore. Not right now anyways. It's time to be selfish for awhile. It's time to learn who I am, instead of what I am or was, which was some one's girlfriend.
I've had all these amazing adventures this year, and all I have focused on is this bullshit that started the year off.
Things started off so poorly that I have been terrified of a new year, which is a silly fear to have, but I'm just waiting for another sucker punch. Something to knock me down. I am not an optimistic person, in fact today was one of those days where I felt like kicking puppies or something except I really like puppies so I would have to find something else to kick.
But a good friend, reminded me that I can't live in fear. In fact she said my fear was stupid because the only person who can fix what I don't like in my life is me. She said I don't have to grow up yet, but the new year is coming wether I want it to or not. There's nothing I can do to stop that, not even hiding under a big pile of coats. The important thing in this entire rant is that I survived. I survived all of it. 2010 is finally over and I can look forward to a fresh start so here is to 2011. It better rock or I will find that big pile ol' coats and never come out.

One of the many things I appreciate about my job is smelling like a dental office and sweat at the end of the day. Sure, it's disgusting and repulsive but it has a major benefit.
At the end of the day on the bus, which is a 30-40 minute bus ride, nobody EVER wants to sit next to me! This is perfect for my anxiety, I hate strange people sitting next to me (and I hate sharing, honestly I'm not very good at it). My bag lounges comfortably on the seat next to me while people walk by and try not to smell various dental products. I don't even have to feel guilty about my bag having it's own seat because no one wants to sit there.

Thanks, dental offices for being so gross. I love you.

I never learn

I never listen to the advice of anyone. I ask for it, then do what I want anyways.
Take Saturday night for example...
My best friend came over for the night, she wanted to relax, watch movies, eat popcorn etc. I was restless and wanted to go out. She didn't want to due to lack of money and the fact that we go to our favorite bar A LOT. Her words exactly "sometimes, it's good to charge the batteries for a weekend." My words exactly "we're only 22 and not dead yet, let's go. You can raid my closet and borrow whatever you want" (This is a tempting offer considering my overspending tendancies and my many designer items.)
She didn't want to go, really didn't want to go out. She reminded me of my recent illness and exhaustion from work. She advised me to relax for a weekend, to take it easy. Nope, I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit home, feeling cooped up. I couldn't stay home knowing that all the university students moved to the city this weekend and would be out enjoying their last weekend of freedom. It would be a great opportunity to meet some new and attractive guys. I couldn't resist - I had to go.
After much convincing I won, my bestest agreed to go to the bar for a "drink or two."
With her and I, it is never as simple as a "drink or two" - we work hard, so we play hard. Apparently, I play harder. We both returned home almost three hours later and three sheets to the wind. She doesn't drink hard liqor the way I do. She will enjoy beer or wine, while I have to drink vodka or gin. I hate beer and am very picky about wine. Turns out, I may have drank more than her as I have the worst damn hangover of my entire life. Worse than underage binge drinking hangovers. My stomach has such bad gut rot that I couldn't sleep and spent half my day feeling tipsy. The other half vowing to never drink again and wishing I would have stayed home to "charge the batteries". This is a vow, I have pledged many times since I was 16 and came home drunk for the first time. It is also a vow, I have broken many times since then.
So today, my bestest has had the extreme pleasure of singing the "I told you so..."song while accompanying the song with a dance. I curse her for being right, but our plans for next weekend - to hit up our favorite bar,because it is her turn to decide where we go or what we do.(Never should have used that when I was trying to convince her to go out.)
My liver hurts as I think of next weekend.

Confessions

I pretend that everything is fine. I push everything down, bury it deep inside me and pray every morning that everything I've kept bottled up doesn't explode.
It's not working. I lay awake at night, unable to sleep, unable to turn my brain off. I take anti anxiety pills a few times a day. Nothing helps.
My anger and hurt is still rotting me from the inside out. My heart has healed but it still hurts. Hurts like hell. I can't escape the pain, not even in my sleep. It's all I dream about, and when I wake those dreams haunt me for most of the day.
I think of you and want to vomit. I think of what a waste of a human being you are and how any one with a heart and soul could do something so horrible.
I am not talking about the lies and betrayal anymore. I'm talking about the emotional torment I suffered for four days. The emotional abuse, the mind games, the abuse I was exposed to from the one person who claimed to love me.
When you dumped me, you left me in hysterics on your bedroom floor. Left me shattered, a fragment of who I was. I cried for you, begged you not to leave me this way. Your response " I can't watch this, it hurts too much to see you this way." And then you packed a bag and left me for her. On your way out the door, you asked your mom to help me. Told her I was in a fragile state and needed someone to help me. Then you walked out the door. Leaving me to pack my bags and find my own way home. You treated the trash better than me that night - at least you drove it to the curb.
You played mind games for four whole days. Blamed me for the demise of our relationship. The things that you said, the pain you caused me was so unbareable that I drank every ounce of liqor I had trying to numb the pain. It helped for a moment, but then the moment passed and I blamed myself because you made me believe. You made me an insecure little girl and after having your fun for four days, you came home and kicked me out.
Every word that came out of your mouth was a lie. I don't believe you ever loved me. You were 17 and I was in college. It was an ego boost for your low self esteem to date a college girl. You also won the bet among the crew at work. You had bragging rights. Everything was a game, everything was a lie and I stupidly believed it. I believed you, I trusted you and I loved you more than anything in the entire world. It would have been nice to know that I was nothing more than a bet. I wonder how much money you made off that. What was I worth to you? I at least deserve to know how much you won.
You manipulated me into believing everything was my fault. I constantly tried to change for you, I tried to please you any way I could and I was never good enough. You had me believing that the college educated girl wasn't good enough for the high school drop out, earning minimum wage at a medicore job.
You made me feel broken. You destroyed my heart. And I am not alright. I can pretend all I want, I can put on a smile and go to work. I can fool those closest to me, but I can't fool myself. Everyone says "just get over it" if it were that simple I would. I wish I could. I pray every morning, and every night before bed but it never goes away. It will eventually, and every day it gets easier but I can't keep hiding from it anymore. I can't keep pushing it aside as if it didn't matter. Even though, he never loved me, I loved him and that's going to take more time apparently.
"You were my first love, but you were also my worst love." Three Days Grace.
Never again, will I be made a fool of and never again will I change who I am for someone else.
I am better for it. You setting me free was the kindest thing you ever did because despite all my pain, I am doing well.I have a career that I love. I work for people who appreciate me and accept me as I am. I have a steady income - something we never had. And as it turns out, I have the best friends in the world. You may have cut me off from them and tried to sever my relationships but it didn't work. You didn't break me, I may feel that way at times but deep down, I am not broken and I know it. I sometimes feel like I'm dying without you or that I can't breathe without you. That feeling lasts only a second because you have been gone for months and I haven't died yet, I am still breathing. In fact, I am thriving without you.
I want to hate you but that takes too much energy and a low life like you doesn't deserve that much of my time.
Someday, you will be punished for what you did, how you treated me and the awful things you did but it is not my place to do that. Sometimes, I wish it was but I have faith that you will get what you deserve. You get what you give, just remember that.