Overdramatic Princess and I don't mean me

Some people feel the need to be unneccesarily rude. It pisses me off. Take my exboyfriend for example. He feels the need to drag out the rest of our affairs even though we have been broken up for 5 weeks now. He doesn't want me in his life but he won't finish up what needs to be done. How effing annoying. He had the balls to say to me that he wants to call the shots after me doing it for three years. UM, if I was calling the shots how did he manage to cheat and lie??? Answer that one for me. He makes me so damn mad, it's not even funny. I can't wait to be done with his act tomorrow. Honestly, all I have wanted is to finish this up, I don't want to talk to him or chase him down anymore. I did that for three years and I don't want to do this anymore. It was tedious, but I did it because we were in a relationship. Now, we are not anymore, this is not my responsibility. If he could just grow up for another half an hour we could resolve the rest of our problems and be done. But he prefers to drag it out some more and make life hell for the both of us. I wonder how his new girlfriend feels about this. About him texting and talking to me and arguing with me. If he doesn't want me in his life and doesn't want anything to do with me, why does he feel the need to drag this out? Is he really so self centred right now, that he can't even understand why this should be finished up ASAP? Is he so wrapped up with his new life that he can't be bothered to be a grown up for a few minutes longer? He wanted an adult relationship, he wanted all the enjoyable aspects of being an adult but now that the responsibility of being an adult has come along, he can't be bothered to deal with it. He is so immature and self centred right now that I don't even know who he is and the person he has become recently is someone I do not want to know on any level. Thank God, tomorrow, will hopefully be the last time I speak to his royal highness. He has become such an over dramatic diva, that I can't stand even text messaging him. Wish me luck tomorrow.

FML what is wrong with my parents

Interesting conversation this evening. It goes a little something like this.
My mom, Shawn and I were discussing a particularily traumatic event I experienced as a child.
One day, while visiting my grandpa in the hospital, my mom and I became stuck in the room with my grandpa. As my mom and I were about to leave, my grandpa's room mate passed away. We sat there listening to the final moments of this man's life, his family at his bedside crying and praying for him. As my ten year old mind began to process what was going on, my face turned white and I became upset. My mom laughed. (this is the shortened version of what happened)
So my mom was telling this story to Shawn. And it was discussed that Shawn wanted to die in a hospital not at home. This began a quick conversation about the pros and cons of passing away at home versus at a hospital. Well, Shawn wants to pass away in the hospital because it would be easier for my mom in terms of an autopsy and such. My mom said that she wouldn't have an autopsy performed. And this is when Shawn had his Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys moment. He said and I quote "What if I want to donate my shit to science fiction?"
My mom and I laughed. Thus, began another conversation about donating organs and some minor bickering over the organ donation process. FML, what is wrong my parents? I can only begin to imagine what their senior years will be like.

Stop searching. Happiness will come to you.

Lately, I have been doing what I can to keep my mind off of Spencer. I've been going out with friends and trying to move on with my life. To be honest, some days are better than others but I keep going anyways.
I had a very ugly encounter with him today. Things got out of hand over some things that belong to me, that he refuses to give back. In fact, he has taken them to Magot's house so I can't get them. I asked that he return them to me on Tuesday (today now) after he is done work.
Since he is the number one jerk in all of Canada of late, we begin to argue. World War III almost took place, had his mother not stepped in and asked him to leave.
He had the balls to tell me that I'm just jealous that Magot won him and I didn't. Yes, he is quite the smelly, uneducated, rude prize. I said she didn't win, I gave you away. It just got worse from there. I felt the need to insult Magot a lot. He said that I didn't even know her and I said that I didn't have to know her, I am just calling it as I see it and I see trailer park trash. He ended up leaving to pick Magot up from work in "their" car.
He is not the person that I met three years ago at all. I understand that people change and grow but I have no idea what the hell this is or who the hell this is. The person that I knew was kind, caring, generous and so many other great things. This guy is just a jerk.
When this rebound relationship with Magot blows up and it will, he will be sorry and realize the mistake he made. He will realize that he was thinking with the wrong head and made a horrible choice. He will realize that "guess my disease" is not a fun game. He will realize that everyone she slept with, he has just slept with too. He will realize that random sex with a coworker was not a good idea. Sure it might be fun, but was it worth throwing away a three year relationship that actually had meaning? Was it worth tossing aside the one person in the entire world who loved you more than anything or anyone? Was your job worth losing because of something different with someone different? Let's face it, eventually she too will feel betrayed and used. She will want revenge for the heartache he caused and will she act out her plans of revenge? Who knows? But honestly, I'm kind of excited to see how this plays out. The only type of revenge I want is for them to both hurt the way I did. This will happen, justice will be served and all I have to do is be patient and wait for the drunken, middle of the night phone calls where he desperately begs for my forgiveness. This is the time when I can reject him and make him lose any self esteem he had left as he did to me when he smashed my heart in to the dirt.
Anyways,it's way too late to go back, things will never be the same and he will always think of me as the one who got away. I wasn't dumped, I was freed from what could have been an even bigger mistake than it already was. I am a kind, caring, generous, educated, funny and beautiful girl. I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who respects me and wants to be with me for who I am. I deserve someone who will love me as much as I love him.
I did love Spencer with all my heart and as much as one person could possibly love another. I know at one point, he felt the same way whether he admits it or not, however the person I knew is long gone and whoever has replaced him is not a good person. I can live with my actions and choices because even though I am flawed, I was never as cruel as him.
I have moments where I wish I could change things or undo the last three years or even wish that I had never fallen in love but what's done is done. There is no going back but as time passes and he continually makes it easier for me to hate him my heart heals a little bit more.
I don't want to say time heals all wounds because that doesn't help or make you feel better. Telling someone to have patience through their heartache seems impossible to the breaking heart and only frustrates the broken hearted even more. There is truth to it but it just doesn't seem that way at that particular moment.
I found a fortune from a fortune cookie today that I had kept because I loved what it said. It said "Stop searching. Happiness will come to you." I have decided to take that fortune to heart. I think that it is the best advice I have been given since this entire disasater. I loved this fortune when I first cracked it out of a fortune cookie and I love it just as much now. It makes sense, happiness will find you, especially when it is meant to be. I'm not going to talk about fate and God's plan or anything like that because I'm not sure what I believe, all I know is that for once, I received a great piece of advice from an otherwise ordinary cookie. As I was rereading my long lost fortune cookie, I realized that I deserve all the happiness in the world and as I piece my life back together this will happen for me.
But for now its almost 4am and I need to stop blogging in the middle of the night because they become really long rants. So, please enjoy the fortune cookie advice as much as I have.

I can't think of a title for this post

Never in a million years did I think that I would be having this much fun with Chris. As kids, we were constantly at each other's throats. He would get us into trouble and I would be the tattle tale. I was always afraid of getting in trouble and I couldn't lie to save my life. I still can't tell a lie.
Therefore, he despised me for being a snitch. I despised him because he was always causing trouble. He would be grounded for what seemed like an eternity, while I would be out the very next day. He hated me for that too. He and KK would be two peas in a pod while I was the odd man out.
I used to dread Chris coming over. Now I secretly look forward to his "day visits" by this he means he will be here the entire weekend. We don't get each other into trouble now and he helps me tease my baby sisters, which is an entertaining aspect of being home again. He also spies on them with me and then we gossip a little bit. Telling each other secrets as if we are little kids all over again. He has been helpful in keeping my mind off of recent events, it's been nice. For a short while, I can forget about everything that turned my entire world upside down and changed everything I have known for the last three years. He can temporarily make me forget all of this and I'm not just talking about getting me piss loaded on a regular basis as of late. It turns out, that there just isn't enough liquor to complete that task but we try. He is much funnier than I remember, and it seems that we enjoy each other's company for once. We don't want to cause bodily harm to one another. That too, is nice.
Anyways, I secretly hope he plans on sticking around a little while longer or at least until we annoy each other. Actually, I'm sure he will be around for a bit or at least until I get a job because I will have to return the favor of getting him drunk three weeks in a row. (Thank God, I am Irish and German or my liver may have failed me by now)

The Death of my Relationship

Since Spencer and I broke up, I have been analyzing and reanalyzing the few days before our break up. I think I have pieced together the entire puzzle that had me blind sided and devestated when this all fell apart. Looking back, I should have seen the signs and called it quits before he had the chance to rip my heart out. But I was so wrapped up in the current fight we were having, that I wasn't paying attention to all the little clues that should have tipped me off as to what he was up to those days that he was missing. I guess for someone with two college diplomas I should pay a little more attention to detail. But as I had mentioned before I was so confident in him and our relationship that I trusted him completely. That was my downfall, I was too trusting and never questioned him.
I haven't slept much since we broke up because I've been too wrapped up in figuring out where things went wrong. Trying to decipher why he wouldn't want me or what is wrong with me and I have come to a conclusion. There is nothing wrong with me, he's the idiot who let me go. I am not saying that I do not have flaws because we all do but in terms of girlfriend material he should kiss the ground that I walk on for putting up with him and his bullshit.
I figured out what changed his mind about me and who to blame. Yes, we were having problems, serious problems but it wasn't anything new and we always found a way to work them out. We were strong believers in that whole love conquers all nonsense. I guess that because he was my first love and I was his, we thought we could fix anything because we loved each other that much. It turns out that we were wrong, love can't conquer all and you do need more than love.
He has a friend from work who is married and decided in the five minutes we spent together that he didn't like me. His wife knew that there was friction between us and whether she knew all the details or not I will never know. She has a friend named Megan (Magot, if you read my comment from yesterday's post). Magot is the same age as Spencer and they do have more in common than Spencer and I did but it did not give her the right to play matchmaker. The wife knew that Magot had a crush on Spencer and that maybe with some persuasion he could or would change his mind due to the difficulties our relationship was having. Spencer and I were both doubting our relationship but we had discussed this with each other and made a commitment to try to solve our problems rather than walking away and throwing away the last three years.
It seems as though, every time Spencer went to the couple's house Magot would suddenly and magically appear. It seems as though, she valued her husband's opinion of me rather than making her own judgement and began to play matchmaker. She knew of his doubts and played on his emotions. She wanted another couple to spend time with and because they didn't like me it was time to change that. The wife wanted to see her best friend Magot happy and rather than telling Spencer to go home and work things out or end things she continued to invite Magot over every single time Spencer spent time with the husband. I am not blaming this all on the actions of the three people who should be advocates for that Ashley Madison dating/cheating on your partner service. Spencer needs to take responsibility for his actions in all of this but I feel as though the three advocates abused his trust in them as friends and used his vulnerability to their advantage so that their good friend Magot would have a partner too.
It seems as though, they told him what they thought was best based on the fact that Magot wanted a man. They were never my friends so what do they care if I am hurting right?
Spencer was fully aware of his actions and I hold him responsible for the death of our relationship. I do blame him for giving up, and I hate him for the poor choices he made. I hate him for hurting me so badly and breaking his promise of never hurting me this way. I worked so hard, and devoted everything in me to our relationship. I knew what our problem areas were and I was willing to keep working on them because I am stubborn as hell. I don't give up easily and I won't go down without a fight over something so important to me. Apparently, he didn't feel the same way and I had been fighting for a lost cause for a long time before he said anything. It breaks my heart to finally see him for the person he has become in these last few weeks before the demise of our relationship. When I think about it, it breaks my heart all over again and pulls at the stitches in my chest that are trying to heal and keep what is left of my heart intact.
He won't admit to cheating on me but all the signs were there. He swears on his life he wasn't with Magot in any romantic or intimate form while we were together but how can I believe him? How can I trust his word when he abused my trust in the first place? He knew I was stressed over losing my job and our relationship problems and used my vulnerability to his advantage. He knew I was willing to do anything to save our relationship and he used me as a door mat. He thought he could get away with his sneaky and deceiving ways. He thought he could have his cake and eat it too. When I questioned his recent behavior it caused a huge fight that made him disappear for an entire weekend and I knew then, that there was nothing left to salvage.
Logically and rationally I knew it was over and that part of me started packing my things. However my emotions and my heart got in the way and I held out hope. I hoped he would come home and apologize. I hoped that I was wrong about him and just being paranoid or jealous of the time he was spending away from me. I hoped that the last three years meant as much to him as they did to me. I was wrong because if he felt the same way he wouldn't have acted the way he did and he wouldn't have given up so easily.
The temptation of greener grass was just too much for him to handle and he needed to find out if the grass was really greener. I do wonder though, if he ever thinks he made a mistake and is afraid to admit it. Afraid to admit to what he has done and take responsibility for his actions. I wonder if he misses me or thinks about me at all, the way I think about him and what happened to our relationship. Eventually, this will pass and I will stop wondering and questioning and obsessing over that specific time period. I will remember the better times and cherish them. I will stop wondering if it was all a lie and just enjoy the memories of fun and laughter we shared together in those three years. However at this moment that seems impossible.

Traffic Stopping Hot

Since I broke up with Spencer, I haven't felt like eating. I just haven't been hungry. So thanks to my heartache I am fitting into some of my old jeans. We all know that love makes you fat and break ups make you skinny. Anyways, I put on some old jeans today and thought to myself "Damn, I look good."
The world has taken notice because as I was waiting for the bus to meet up with my friends, a guy stopped his car to talk to me. He held up traffic on one of the busiest streets in the city to ask for my number and if I would like to have dinner with him sometime.
As flattered as I was I declined. He asked why and I said "Oh I have a boyfriend." I don't feel ready to date yet and I really wasn't interested in this guy. And of course, I couldn't tell a complete stranger my entire life story. He turned to me and said "Well, that's too bad for me but tell your man he is the luckiest man in the entire world to have someone as beautiful as you in his life." He told me that I was so good looking that he wouldn't let me go out alone because he would worry that someone would try to steal me away.
It was a cheesy pick up, but it still made me feel good. It was nice to hear how beautiful I am. It was even better that I am looking so good these days that I can stop traffic. Can we say the same about Spencer? Hmm, nope. He has stopped showering and wearing clean clothes.
I am going to call Spencer and tell him what he has lost. He wants to be my friend and wants to tell me about his new girlfriend, well I can tell him how I stopped traffic. And how he was an idiot to let me go. His loss will be someone else's gain.

I was so drunk. And happy.

My 22nd birthday was a blast. I had a great time at the bar with my friends who helped me become a stumbling drunk.
But before we get to that...
Spencer's sister came over and painted my nails, then she took me out to dinner.I am glad that I didn't have to break up with her because she has been a great friend and has been really helpful in the last few weeks.
After dinner, we went to my favorite bar - Dallas. It's a country bar but it seems to be the place where all the people my age hang out. We had to arrive early because my sister came with us and although she is legal drinking age, Saturday night at Dallas is 21+, we used our connections to beat the line, and avoid paying the cover charge. I have to admit, it was weird paying for my own drinks and coat check when Spencer used to do that for me. It's the first time in 3 years that I have had to do that and it feels good.
We were there early, so it took a while for my friends to show up but in the meantime, I managed to make some new ones who bought me drinks for my birthday. And asked for my number which they did not get. As my friends began to arrive, they started buying me drinks. By the end of the night, I had drank myself stupid with 5 gin and cranberry, 10 vodka and cranberry and one pornstar shooter. I had also made a new friend through one of my friends who was a shady character that I drunkenly reported to security. We suspected the drinks he bought us were tainted so we ditched him and the free drinks. We didn't see him again and we were thankful.
By 3am, my cousin Chris and I were outside stumbling around for a cab. My feet were killing me as a spiked heel was not the best choice in terms of shoes.( In my defense, we usually get a table at Dallas but it seemed extra busy and impossible to find a table.) I tried walking in my shoes as we stumbled along trying to find our way home but it was pointless because my feet hurt so badly that I could barely walk. When you are that drunk, you always seem to take the long way home, you know walking in zig zag type of stumble. After two blocks of walking in my socks, I flagged a cab. Chris was not pleased to be coming home - he wanted to keep the party going. I told him to stay but he followed me home anyways. He's is older than me and we grew up together so he is more like a brother. An annoying younger brother but I enjoy my time with him anyways.
I arrived home to tell drunken tales to my parents and eat. I tried eating some plain bread because trying make something seemed like too much work. I ended up feeding the dogs my bread. Throwing pieces at them as if they were pigeons.
Finally, I stumbled up the extremely steep stairs to my bed. Only to have a wicked hangover which I very rarely get after a night of drinking. Due to lack of sleep, I laid in bed most of Sunday.
It wasn't an extravagant event the way Spencer always plans but it was just as much fun, if not more.

Over the last week or so, I have been more than heartbroken. However, that being said he keeps making it easier for me to get over him.
We are finishing up the last of our issues.
As the days continue, I learn more about what he has hid from me in the last year particularily. It breaks my heart and makes me question who I was with for the last three years. I wonder who he really is or if he has just changed that much in three years. How did I not notice these things? Maybe it was because I was so completely in love that I wasn't paying attention to how he was changing. How he was growing away from me.
I will always have a weak spot for Spencer because he was my first true love but after his recent confessions, there is no possible way to fix things.
I don't understand how he could hurt me this way, especially when he was so in love with me. I was his Queen. I was the center of his universe and somewhere along the way that changed and it took me a long time to realize that fact.
I don't think I could ever forgive him. It hurts that much, what he has done.
How can someone change that much right in front of you? How did I not notice?
How did I not know what was going on?
I was too trusting. And I was right to be, but he abused my trust and confidence in him and our relationship.
Spencer was a big part of my life for a long time. But he was just one chapter in my fairytale. He is certainly not the end.

Unfortunately I woke up this morning

When I wake up alone, the shock and realization that my relationship with Spencer is over hits me in the face. That probably hurts the most. Waking up by yourself after sleeping next to someone for almost two years. It makes you feel lonely and sad. All the pain and the hurt come flooding back. And when you get hit with that much pain it makes you wonder why you woke up in the first place.
Going to bed alone hurts too. But if I keep myself awake long enough, eventually my eyelids just flutter close and I sleep for ten hours or more.
If I can keep my mind distracted until the inevitable fluttering of my eyelids then it has been a good day and I don't dwell on how much I miss Spencer even though he broke my heart.

I still feel heartbroken and miserable. My heart is aching and Spencer seems to not care at all. Everyone keeps saying that men and women show emotion differently and with time, his heart will ache too. I want it to ache now, the way mine is, I want him to hurt as bad as I do.
I want him to shed as many tears as I have.
I want to feel better. I want to stop feeling this way. I want the feeling of drowning in misery to disappear.
I try to keep busy and keep my mind off of this but somehow, I always wander back to the heartache. I don't care that time heals all wounds, I have no patience.
I think of all the plans we made for the upcoming months and everything he said to me in the last few days before he shattered my heart into a million little pieces and none of it makes sense. No one understands why he decided to break my heart. No one can help me feel better and sometimes I think that there isn't enough glue in the world to repair the damage he has done to my heart.
I want to hate him so that maybe this would be easier but for some reason, after all of this I don't hate him.
All I know is that Saturday is my birthday and I plan on celebrating it the way it was originally planned just minus my date. I have to feel better by then, I have no choice. I refuse to cancel my plans because of him. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing just how hurt I am.