The Hidden Violence

When people say domestic violence, your brain automatically assumes physical violence. No one thinks about verbal abuse, let alone talks about it. It just slides by and is forgotten because the physical damage is so much worse. A moment in time can trigger the memory of verbal abuse. It's at that moment where you freeze, your body tenses up and you are smacked with flashbacks that you wish were nightmares. Unfortunately, you know better and it wasn't some horrible dream but rather your life. Everyone has experienced verbal abuse at one time or another. All it takes is for someone to cuss at you, call you a name or talk down to you. Anything that makes you feel horrible about yourself is verbal abuse. It's swept under the rug with a blanket apology until the next pile of verbal vomit comes your way. Then another apology. How many apologies do you need to realize that an apology doesn't mean anything unless the other person is willing to change that behavior and stop. You can have a million "I'm sorry's" or gifts or some sort of bribe but it is all meaningless if it continues. There is no need for verbal violence or abuse. It is toxic to everyone involved. The victim feels awful and the person responsible may not feel remorse and the hate will spread through them like a disease. The person responsible may even feel a sense of accomplishment for hurting the victim. It may be the exact response they were hoping for and it was achieved. People who have experienced verbal violence also need to rember this is not their fault. You cannot heal someone else's inner turmoil until they want to change. Something is wrong with the abuser to spread hatred like that. It doesn't matter what it is, it is still not your fault. Verbal abuse turns to mental abuse. Later, that becomes mental illness and a slew of pills won't take away the pain. Doctors, counselors, psychiatrists all try to work with you and help you. Does it really work? Does it make anything better? Sure, there is a temporary reprieve and for a short time you will feel better. I hate it when people tell me things like time heals all wounds or what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. No it doesn't. Don't say that. If you can't think of anything then don't say anything at all. The victim will eventually seek treatment but no one really helps the other person involved. If you think about it, they may have a mental illness or problem that caused them to act in such a manner. They will find someone else to beat down emotionally and the vicious cycle of verbal abuse will continue. Personally, I am tired of apologies that are empty promises. I refuse to be the receipent of loose lips and hateful language. I have no time in my life for negative people or their strong tempers. I will not be a punching bag for someone else's problem and neither should anyone else.

My family and GG

I lay here wide awake at almost 6am and it has just occurred to me that this Christmas we will not be receiving a card from GG. GG is my great grandmother who passed away earlier this year in July. She had a long and beautiful life. Many grandchildren and great grandchildren. She was even a great, great grandma. Not many people can say that. I never thought her passing would affect me.the way that it has, she lived 3-4 hours away. I never saw her very often but I knew she loved us. She wrote letters and sent cards to my mom. I would check the mailbox time and again, and every so often there would be something from her. A letter for my mom, with a pamphlet called Our Daily Bread. A small booklet with scripture and lessons on applying them to life. At Christmas she always sent a lovely card. Enclosed would be $10 and a note that instructed my mom to buy something for the girls meaning my sisters and I. I always wondered how we would split $10 three ways. Usually ended with ice cream. That's how you split the $10. This year, that won't happen. It's not the $10 or "lovely" card but the routine of checking the mail and seeing the card, with GG's elegant handwriting on the envelope. She is gone. So are the letters. When she passed away, it left a gaping hole in my heart. My mother's side of the family is slowly but surely fading. I felt that one of the biggest and most important connections to my deceased grandfather (her son),was gone. I never took advantage of asking her about the past, family history, my grandpa or what my mom was like as a kid, although I have a pretty good idea. I have two grandmas left. All my grandfathers are deceased. After GG, left us I did learn a few new things about my family. Some of them were supposed to be secrets. I met cousins and relatives, I never knew I had. It was a blessing in many ways. But nothing filled the hole in my heart. It is slowly healing and the hole gets a little smaller every day. I never knew how much I loved my GG until she was gone. I wish I had known her better. I can't undo the past but I can take full advantage of the present. I continue to learn more and my mom is hunting for cousins or other relatives. It brought a lot of us closer together. That's a wonderful thing but it happened during such a sad time in our lives. I miss her, much more than I thought I would. Death is a part of life. You can't avoid it, ignore it or deny its existence. With all this time away from work, I have had time, maybe too much time to think about life and how quickly it can pass you by. I know GG wouldn't want any of us to squander our time but rather to live, find happiness, joy and peace in our lives. She may be gone with her letters and cards but her memory lives on in each and every one of us who had the pleasure of knowing her. That is better than any card, letter or $10 bill in an envelope.

I am overwhelmed. I would cry but my shrink has me over medicated. God forbid, I should cry, I may not stop and we can't have that, can we Doctor? That is all.

Pills

Do you ever look at a bottle of pills and think about taking them all? I do. All the time. I don't want to die if that is what you are thinking. I just don't want to wake up. I don't want my life to be the mess that it is at the moment. What if I woke up a few weeks, months or even a year from now? Would that really change anything? I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed and hurt by certain events. Some of them family related that I do not wish to divulge. I just don't want to deal with the same childish behaviors or have the same conversations/arguments that have happened a thousand times over. I know that by having a comatose sleep and waking a few days or weeks from now wouldn't change anything except that I would have missed out on part of life. My problems would still be there and I would still have to confront them. It doesn't make them go away, if anything they would fester and worsen like a deadly infection seeping through the veins of all those involved. I have no answers, I have no solutions or ideas as how to resolve my feelings. Communication is supposed to be the key but how do you communicate to those who don't listen? You can't make them and you can't change their attitude. You just have to hold out hope and believe that things will get better. Pills or endless sleeping won't fix it, it's just another way to hide from the issue. So as tempting as pills can be, they sit in my nightstand drawer untouched. Just like they should be.

It's Not Goodbye

Two sleeps away from the big day. Shannon's moving day. Well I guess since I am writing this very early Friday morning it is technically one more night away. I was feeling better about her moving as I know this is something she has to do for herself and her kids. Doesn't mean I have to like it. All night long, I have been dealing with anxiety. Severe chest pains and odd breathing patterns. I realize now, that my anxiety is from feeling like I am losing my best friend when in all reality I am not. She is just moving half an hour away. That isn't far at all. It's not the other end of the world. I just became overwhelmed this evening with sadness knowing that she won't be right there anymore. A phone call or text message is all it takes to stay in touch but it isn't the same as having her next door. I enjoy spending time with her and I absolutely adore her little ones. I know that this is the best possible thing for her and her family. I have to keep telling myself that because this isn't about me. We are making plans to have visits and sleep over, girls night and all of those things. I look forward to them. I truly do but I wish I didn't have to make them and we could have tje spontaneity that has served us so well. It's one of the qualities I like about Shannon we don't make plans in advance we just go with the flow and roll with the punches. I have truly been spoiled by her friendship. Always there to listen to me vent my emotions, paint my nails, share her coffee, and so much more. Things will definitely be different without her around and I will miss her so much. I am positive that with time, I will move past my heartache of her leaving as she isn't that far away and we are still friends. I'm just saddened by her leaving. It's not the end and it is not goodbye. I have to remind myself of that and stop crying so much. I have another day left to spend some time with her and her beautiful babies. I need to take advantage of that and let her know that she can always come home to us. We may not be family by blood but we are family and that's all that matters. Good luck girly and sending blessings your way. May your new home bring you the fresh start and happiness you deserve.

pain

It's 3:45am. I am still awake. Tears running down my face. I have taken tylenol, Advil and two anti-anxiety tablets. I am still in excruciating pain. Nothing has taken the edge off my shoulder pain. I have been praying. I have been counting my blessings. I have been trying to stay positive. It's not working. I am sore. I am in pain. I am wide awake in agonizing pain. I have a feeling that my rib has moved again. This hurts more than words can explain. Maybe exhaustion will kick in and I will be able to fall asleep from that. It's the best I can hope for at this time.

Where is the love?

I thought Christmas was a time when people were kind and sharing. The whole "Christmas spirit" thing. Apparently not. We are in such a rush to buy gifts and prepare the home for family and friends that we forget the others around us. We become these obsessed people and forget to look at the world around us. For instance, my cat Dave escaped from the house the other night. He has done it before. He often whines at the back door to be let out. He is not an outdoor cat, no matter what his cat head may think. He was gone less than 12 hours when I received a call from the local humane society telling me they had Dave. I was relieved and pissed off because it would cost $35 to get his butt out of cat prison. Money I would have to borrow from my mom. It turns out someone had brought him in thinking he was a stray despite the fact that he is somewhat obese and he was wearing his collar with all his info on it. Someone had caught him a trap meant for a raccoon. Dave came home looking like he just went 12 rounds in the ring because someone has an illegal trap out. I was also able to find out that the person who "caught" Dave lives less than a block away. It is a longer distance to drop the cat off at the humane society than it is to have returned him home. I was livid. Dave had been in the care of the humane society for less than 2 hours and I still had to pay the $35 to bail him out. But he is home and safe for now... In the meantime, my boyfriend who lives in a different city about 45 minutes away was hit by a car. He had the right of way as a pedestrian and checked traffic before crossing. Someone in their car, disregarded the signs and he noticed almost immediately. As my boyfriend was trying to jump back on to the curb this person hit him. His head and face bounced off the curb. The driver took off. No one stopped to help him or stay as a witness to the incident. He spent hours in t he hospital. Thankfully, his injuries are not nearly as severe as they could be. He has a concussion and sore neck which could cause problems later. He is home and safe now as well. I am annoyed and disturbed by the inconsiderate actions of people lately. No one can make a phone call to return a cat? More importantly no one can stop to check on someone who was a victim of a crime? How can you leave someone laying on the side of the road? Or just walk past them and continue on your way? Have we become so self absorbed that we don't see anyone except ourselves? I thought at Christmas at the very least, people would have more compassion and understanding. Maybe we all need to stop and check ourselves before heading out the door for the day and not just around the holidays but every day.

I will always be broken

I had to have an emergency appointment with the chiropractor today. My rib moved back into the unnatural position it thinks is it's natural position. Muscles have memories. We are working on changing 22 years of damage and memory. Things were going fantastically well and I was on my way to recovery and this is a setback. This puts things back to where I started. I was told today that there is a possibility that this may happen from time to time. It is excruciatingly painful to the point of nausea. I have the privilege of living with this for the rest of my life, therefore I will always be broken on some level. I'm angry. This isn't fair and the person responsible has no clue what he has done to me. Even if he did he wouldn't care. I know life isn't fair and we are sometimes given difficulties but I don't deserve this one. I don't deserve to be broken for the rest of my life.

Shannon Shenanigans

One of my best friends is moving away. I am completely and utterly devastated. She isn't moving far but she is moving out of the city and I don't drive. Neither does she, it will be difficult to see each other but not impossible. We can write to each other because I prefer it over email. It won't be the same though. She is not only one of my best friends but my next door neighbor. She is like a little sister to me and I absolutely adore her two kids. We have spent so much time together especially in the last few months. We spend time painting our nails and drinking rum together. It never ended well for me but it was fun. Then as my shoulder issues became more prevalent, she was there to help. She helped me with blow drying and styling my hair. Helped me with my make up. She even fed me dinner, well cut the pieces of meat for me since I couldn't. My arm was placed in a sling at the time. We shared morning/lunch coffee together. Walked to the small mall, all the while having girl talk. We have had our fair share of shenanigans and tom foolery. Prank phone calls, silly nights out drinking and many other things I can't share as I am sworn to secrecy. That's what friends do we confide in each other and protect one another. We have bonded, not just as friends but as sisters. We love and care for each other like family. I enjoy spending time with her, she is another sister to me except she likes me and likes spending time with me. It's a struggle with my sisters and I to spend time with each other. She has listened to me vent, cry and laugh. We have shared so many secrets and stories. I can't imagine not seeing her everyday even if only in a quick passing. I absolutely love her two kids and I will miss them just as much. I feel as though I am losing part of my family. I never thought someone simply moving away could hurt so badly. I didn't think I could shed this many tears over someone moving to a city approximately half an hour away. The tears won't stop flowing and there is nothing I can do to make her stay. I wish I could. She moves next weekend. It's not enough time to say our goodbyes or at least so long. What will I do without her? Her home is my sanctuary when I am frustrated or need a break from my parents. I know this all sounds very selfish as I am focusing on me and how this affects me. I wish her the best, I truly do and I know that for her this is the right decision. It just sucks for both of us. She isn't gone forever, she isn't a million miles away but right now it hurts. It hurts both of us, that I know for sure. I will miss her so much but as she said she is just a text message away. It just won't be the same as running next door to tell her secrets, stories, gossip or anything else we want to chat about. Life changes, people change, everything has a time and a place. I just happen to dislike change, especially this one. I suppose everything has an expiry date. Our friendship hasn't changed or expired, just the living situation for one of us. I hope she knows just how much I will miss her in my life everyday. But before I keep going, I should stop writing before I start crying again.

It's alright, it's okay, today is going to be a good day, just wait and see...

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my chiropractor that was very successful. My body has decided (so far) that it would like to heal without the intrusion of drastic measures such as surgery. The chiropractor said that I only need a few more visits and I should be good to go that is if my body continues to cooperate. I was ecstatic when he told me that. I no longer need narcotics to help ease my pain, even though I still do have quite a bit, it is not nearly as bad as before. That was great news. That means if things continue to improve I can go back to work. I can continue my career in dental assisting. This was such a great day for me. It means things are turning around and it gave me new hope for the future. I won't ever be able to forget this ordeal but I will be able to move forward with my life. This will fade in to a distant memory. I can return to work and continue to achieve my goals. I don't have an exact date as to when I will be finished with treatment but with the new year quickly approaching, I will have a new start in life with some much needed healing. I continue to count my blessings and talk to God on a regular basis. I need to stay positive and focused on the future. I feel confident that things can only get better.

Count Your Blessings Before They Are Long Gone

One of the things I am trying to do during this difficult period in my life is count my blessings. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude which is not always easy but I continue to try. Today, I am especially thankful for my three year old nephew. He brings so much joy to my life and I can't imagine him not being a part of it. I love watching him learn and discover new things on a daily basis. His laughter is infectious and he has such a great sense of humor for a little guy. His hugs and kisses always make me feel better and I anticipate every moment with him. I look forward to visits and phone calls. I love when he gets a hold of my sister's cell phone and sends me text messages full of toddler gibberish. Or messages from my sister telling me about his latest adventure or mishap. He certainly knows how to keep things interesting. He is one of the most important people in my life and one of my biggest blessings. I never knew how much I could love one person until he entered my life. I love this little boy more than I thought was humanly possible. I can only anticipate the years to come and watching him grow. I hope his little three year old heart knows just how much I love him. xoxo

Anger Management

I am not an overly religious person but I believe in God, I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in spiritual healing. So I am going to pray. I am going to ask God to help me with my anger towards my father for all this pain and suffering that I am currently experiencing. Dear Lord, I am asking you to please help me with journey in healing. I need physical healing and just as important as that I need spiritual healing. I am so angry with my father for what he has done to me. I am in constant pain and I blame him. I am furious with everything. I fear that my emotions are taking over my entire body and that I may take my rage out on a family member or friend who doesn't deserve it. I would never physically harm someone. I can feel the changes in my attitude and personality. This is not who I am. I don't want to feel angry and I certainly do not want this hate in my heart. I feel it is a waste of time and energy yet I can't let go. Please help me heal my body and soul. I feel so lost and hurt. I don't want to feel this way and I certainly don't want to be this person. I know you have put me in good hands with my treatment. You have sent me friends and family who are actively showing their support and for that I thank you. I need that now more than ever as well. Please bless them for their kind hearts and words of comfort. It means so much to me to know that I have people who care about me and my well being. Please continue to bless them. Thank you. Amen.

Some Days

Just like everyone else I have good days and bad days. On Thursday, I had my weekly appointment with the chiropractor. Unfortunately,there was no movement from my right shoulder blade or ribs on the right side. If we can't have my ribs and shoulder blade move on their own then we need to look at alternative options. Due to the damage my shoulder had sustained from multiple injuries, my shoulder blade has slid down over top of 3 ribs. This is what is causing the majority of the pain. Every time I inhale or laugh, my ribs rub against my shoulder blade. If I stretch or move a certain way, you can hear the bones making a cracking noise from rubbing against each other. Gross. I know. I live with it every single day. It sucks. So Thursday, no movement. Disappointing as hell. We worked both shoulders and nothing. So now I was in much more pain and filled with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I wanted to cry. I didn't. I think my psychiatrist has me on too many meds to actually cry. I think he thinks that if I start, that I won't stop. He may be right. I don't know. I also felt like I was going to throw up. Nausea and migraines are a common side effect when you are trying to move bones back in to normal position. It was a bad day. Yesterday was bad as well. It was the first day that I tried to go without taking anything for pain. I tried so hard but by 10pm, I couldn't hold out anymore. It was unbareable. I don't want to rely on narcotic pain killers for multiple reasons. One of them being that they are addictive and that is certainly an extra problem that I don't need. The second reason being that they are not readily available. It is unbelievably hard to have a doctor write a prescription for them, especially for someone as young as me. So it's best not to rely on them and take them in extremely painful situations. Today is a bit better. Minimal pain or discomfort but it's only 2pm and I have yet to truly accomplish something. I hope that today continues to be a good day because I could really use a break right now. Maybe today will be a karaoke day. I feel better after singing. I have no musical talent whatsoever but I always feel better after belting out a good song. It cleanses me and purifies my soul. That sounds like a good day to me.

I Tie My Shoes Everyday

If you think about life, in simplest terms Life is a string of events tied together, along the way there are some twists and turns, maybe even some knots. When you lace your shoes, there's a bit of a zig zag pattern. Life can zig, it can zag. Your laces become dirty, tired and even knotted. We tie our shoes every day. We live every day, we breathe. We have zig zags,knots and we can be worn out. I learned how to tie my shoes when I was about three years old. My father had left the apartment. He had started hitting us kids and that was it. She would not tolerate it. We had a man named R move in to help pay the bills. He had gone to high school with both my parents. My room was now R's room and I shared with my baby sister. My great grandparents were mortified. They drove four hours to read my mom the riot act. But like most people in their early 20's she knew it all and had all the answers. R was staying. My great grandparents tried to reason with my mother. Did she know how this looks to others? How it affected the family image? They had no idea what my father had done. The torment we had suffered. They just knew she was now a single mom with two kids and a divorce hanging over her head. (It would take my father about seven years to sign those papers) R became an instant fixture in our home. He kept us safe from my neurotic father. At the time my father's hobbies included prank calling the house at all hours. Entering the apartment when no one was home, moving things around. Stealing things from us like the can opener. R fell in love with us as a family. We loved him back. He protected us, he provided us with some semblance of a normal life. We had a temporary reprieve from the tangled mess that had become our lives. R spent a lot of time with my sister and I. He brought us gifts. My favorite in particular was this giant white board. We would color for hours and hours. At some point, he began teaching me how to tie my shoes. I don't remember how long it took for me to do it. But I remember sitting by the door and every day he would show me. He was patient. Aside from spoiling us and teaching us things he also told me a fib that has stuck with me to this day. He once told me that if I slept with socks on, my toes would fall off. I believed that little fib for a very long time. And here I am, almost 26,and I won't sleep with socks on my feet. By the time I was ready for my first day of kindergarten, R was gone. We lived in a new apartment, different end of town. Sure, we still had troubles with my father but our time with R had come to an end. But the time we had was memorable and happy. That is what I remember. I refuse to let my father's actions tarnish those memories.(I guess we bought new shoes?) I recently tried to contact him. It was to no avail but if I could speak with him, I would thank him. Something I never did because I was too young to understand or appreciate. I wish my emails and whatnot had not gone unanswered but at some point we all have to move on. For me, moving on is a work in progress as I deal with the physical healing.At this exact moment, you could say I have a knot in my lace, one that is going to take some time to unravel. If by some miracle he finds this blog and this exact post, I want him to know how grateful I am to have had him in my life, even if just for a short time. He isn't forgotten, I mean how could I forget? I tie my shoes everyday.

Jesus is the reason for the season and I can't find Jesus.

I have been going crazy looking for my nativity set. My nephew has just turned 3 years old and I want to teach him about Christmas. It's not just about presents and Santa, although that is pretty awesome. I was the first grandchild on my mother's side. It meant I was spoiled by my grandparents, particularly by my grandpa. As I got older, and there were more grandchildren it was my duty to read the story of Christmas every year. I would read and the younger kids would set the nativity scene. As a preteen, I despised it. I felt as though everyone was looking at me and judging me. By the time I was 15,16,17 - I loved it. I loved the attention and it was a special tradition. One that I could actively participate in during the holidays. My grandpa passed away when I was 11. We all knew this would put a strain on the family and tensions would rise, causing rifts in our family. He was the glue that held everyone and everything in place. By the time I was 17, things had quickly unravelled. We were no longer a part of the extended family. By "we" I mean my mom, sisters and (step)dad. We were told we were no longer members of the Steeves family. It's ironic because my mother is the only biological Steeves family member. The siblings were all adopted when my grandfather remarried. I was heartbroken. My world was torn to shreds. We no longer had family traditions. I no longer had any aunts or uncles. No baby cousins to share the story of Christmas with, not until my sisters and I were old enough to have children of our own anyway. As with all things, time healed the wounds. I forgave them for their betrayals but I could not let anyone of them back in to my life. The damage was done and the trust was gone. Sometimes, it is better to let go and move on. It's what I did. Now if I saw one of them unexpectedly, I can guarantee a panic attack because a flood of emotions does come back. Suddenly, you notice that despite moving on, some wounds are still raw and tender. With the Christmas season upon us, I want to reinstate the tradition of reading the story and having the nativity scene put together as I read. When my nephew was first born, I purchased the Little People Nativity set. I can't find it anywhere. I am going crazy looking for it. He has just turned 3 (as of sunday) and I think he would understand some of it, or we could at least play with the nativity set. I'm not quite sure what bothers me more, the fact that I can't find it or I am realizing how much I have missed this tradition. It's also another realization that a lot of people have walked out of my life. It sucks. Seriously. People who are supposed to be your family, just leave. They walk away like you never meant anything to them at all in the first place. I can't imagine doing that to my family. No matter what the circumstance and believe me with two younger sisters, it can get ugly. But I love them. I have to give my mom a ton of credit for being a strong woman and helping us kids through the abandonment. She has always stuck by us and we have caused some serious headaches to say the least. My (step)dad also deserves some love for all the trouble we caused. I had a ton of issues with abandonment and it took a long time for me to trust him. He stayed. He stuck by me. So as I write this I wonder to myself am I bothered by missing this tradition and my inability to find baby Jesus. I would love to reach my nephew the story of Christmas and my grandpa's favorite carol - Silent Night. Or am I bothered still by the abandonment of my extended "family" The holidays always seem to bring forth a slew of emotions and it's difficult to make peace with them. I think I am bothered by not being able to find baby Jesus but maybe I am in denial. It's just another late night mystery running through my mind. I hope my prayers to St. Anthony, the patron saint of lost things doesn't go unanswered. This is one tradition, I would like to bring back even if it is on a much smaller scale with a one person participant.

10 Things You (probably) Don't Know About Me

I have decided to share some secrets with you. I have a list of 10 things you probably didn't know about me. Or maybe you do but either way, here they are in no particular order of importance. 1. I'm not afraid of spiders, I actually name them before killing them for my mom but I hate when people try to put stickers on me.Is that a fear? Stickers? I don't know but I also hate when my hands are dirty or there is something sticky on them, hence the hatred for stickers. 2. I love the TV show Glee, however I am still so upset over the death of Cory Monteith that I have a hard time watching it. Never knew him personally but just loved him as an actor and I definitely had a crush on Finn Hudson. 3. My mom had a blanket custom made for me. It features a really creepy zombie from The Walking Dead. I'm afraid of it. If I use it on my bed, it goes over the top sheet but under the comforter so I don't have to see the scary face in the middle of the night. 4. I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 8 or 9. My sister who is three years younger than me had that figured out long before I did. 5. I have a medical condition called ITP. I won't bore you with all the details and what ITP stands for but I don't have enough platlets in my blood. That means if I bleed from an injury, it may take me longer than the average person to stop bleeding. Also, it makes me bruise really easily. 6. I received a Wii mini for Christmas last year and have only been able to play it a couple times due to my shoulder injury. I can't wait to have made enough progress in my healing so I can actually play it. I have a stack of unopened games. 7. I failed grade 10 math. My final grade was 29%. When the teacher called to tell my mom, he said he would pray for me. I still laugh at that. 8. I can cook. I can make a few things amazingly well but I can't stand cooking. I get bored easily and things get burned. 9. I once drank approximately 40-45 jello shots at a party. I didn't even feel drunk, nor did I throw up. I know there was booze in there because I made them. My mom still holds the record for drinking the most jello shots in our family. 10. I don't have a favorite color. I love them all, it just depends on my day. Well the color puce, I hate that because what is puce? Who came up with that? What a horrible name, puce. As a bonus, I will throw in one last bit of nerd info. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I started watching it in March 1999 when it premiered as a mid season replacement for the WB network. I have watched it so many times, I can recall character lines, episode names and what season they are from. I have met quite a few cast members but I would absolutely love to meet Alexis Denisof, even before Sarah Michelle Gellar. Shocking, I know. Well those are some of my secrets or silly facts that you may not have known about me. Since I can't sleep, maybe I will watch some Buffy. :)

Today was a good day!

Today was the first time in a while that I was able to do something I love by myself. It's a small step in my physical healing but I felt really good. I was able to do my hair and make up by myself. I like to look good and take pride in my appearance. Today, I had that and it was a great feeling. Baby steps but today I did have a temporary improvement and a boost in my self esteem. So today was a good day.

The Realization

Today I had a wonderful massage from my massage therapist. To many of you, this sounds like a great way to spend a Saturday and I couldn't agree more. I have been going to massage therapy for about three years now, mainly focusing on the pain in my shoulder. It had never dawned on me as to why exactly I was going, other than pain. This visit was different. My chiropractor had sent me with a short list of areas he wanted the therapist to focus on massaging. So I passed along the message and as usual my therapist did an amazing job but it was there while I was lying on the table, that I realized the reason I was going was for pain, but it was pain from old injuries. The trauma had followed me all these years. I had worked on coping with the emotional aspects of abuse through counseling a few years prior. I have never fully dealt with the physical scars until now. It's now that I am coming to understand how much damage had been done. I kept the tears from falling from my eyes, but my massage therapist knows the story and why my shoulder is always the main focus of treatment. During my hour long treatment I began to relax and rest. This is the best my shoulder has felt in years probably. I know it won't last and some pain will return in a few short hours but for now, I am enjoying the relief and forgetting the past. I focus on it enough as I work to rehabilitate my body, so for now it doesn't exist. Let me have this moment of denial since I've had the realization of why I started attending massage therapy in the first place.

Domestic Violence: My Journey (so far)

I am the victim of domestic violence. I was physically abused as a child and what happened was not my fault. There. I said it. I don't feel any better. As I write this I fight back the tears that are coming to my eyes. After at least 8 years of fighting with doctors about my pain coming from my shoulder, I finally have someone who listened. I am finally being treated for these injuries. I truly thought that with all my years of counseling I wouldn't be angry anymore. If anything I am more enraged than ever before. Treatment has rehashed the past and opened old scars. I am so angry with him that I fear lashing out at the wrong people for the wrong reasons. The constant pain is a constant reminder that only furthers my anger. I don't want to forgive because I honestly don't think that I could. I would like to erase the memories from my mind and forget. Any memories I have of being 3 years old should be happy ones, not the horror of being dragged around like a rag doll by the one man you are supposed to trust more than anyone. My father. I shouldn't close my eyes and remember the hurt he caused my mother or my baby sister. I feel as though my whole life has been put on hold due to the injuries I have sustained. My career is at a standstill until I have recovered from physiotherapy, chiropractic treatment and massage therapy. In a few weeks if things aren't improving, I may be looking at other forms of treatment such as surgery. I feel like that little kid that is still being punished by her father for some unknown reason. I can't move forward until this has healed and I don't mean just the physical injuries but the psychological and emotional damage that is cluttering my mind. If I ever asked my father about why he did what he did he would lie and deny it. He would blame my mother and tell me that she has poisoned my mind with her lies. Thing about that is, if a young child suffers a severe trauma, they will remember it. I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. Except it has been 22 years and I still live with the physical pain of his actions. No one can ever give me the answer as to why he did it. No one can erase the past. I don't want to be a victim, but I am. This happened. It happened to me. Don't let it happen to anyone else. No one should have to suffer. I know there are people with much more severe stories than mine but that is their tale to tell. I don't want pity, I just want to share my journey with you. I want people to be aware of their actions and the consequences. I don't know if writing this and putting all my emotions out there will make me feel any better but for now it's a little less clutter in my mind.

I cry

Actually, I am a little too medicated to cry. I wish I could though, I feel like it needs to be done. Might relieve some of the stress I'm feeling, but when I try nothing happens. It's probably for the best anyways. I think if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. I am at a crossroads right now. I would like to move out and move in with a friend. My parents feel that I am not ready for that and I am highly unprepared. Maybe I am, but I don't know until I try and I really want to try. I'm 25 years old and still ruled by my rents in a lot of ways. It's extrememly discouraging when they make you feel as though you are going to fail or they are expecting you to fail. I am discouraged that the think so little of me. As my friend and future roommate puts it "parents are always ready to talk smack about you." Well said roomie, well said. At the end of the day, they can't stop me but I would like to be able to leave home on good terms. I am very close with my parents and I don't want to ruin any relationships. I'm just becoming more and more afraid of leaving home and I feel like they are getting exactly what they want, which is for me to stay right here. I have made mistakes in the past. Big ones, in terms of finances but until I try again, nothing is ever going to change. Everyone makes mistakes, I know someone who is screwing up their entire life right now and if they can make a go of it, why can't I? Maybe this whole thing sounds immature and maybe I am stomping my feet a little bit about not getting my own way. I just want to have some of the experiences I feel that I missed out on, a few years ago. If you've ever read my blog, then you know about the disastorous break up of 2010. I feel that because I was in such a serious relationship at such a young age, I missed out on things. He was a year younger than me, which sometimes made things hard, like going to the bar or 19+ parties with my friends. I missed some of the college experience because of my depression. There is just so much I want to do while I can, while I am single and not tied down to anyone in any way. Is that really too much to ask? I want to be with my friends, I want to throw a drunken Twister game party, eat KD for weeks on end. I want to be able to say, "yes I've done it all" and have accomplished all that I want to do. So for now, "When I need a healing I just look up to the ceiling I see the sun coming down I know it's all better now" - Flo Rida