Random Me and Stuff

I still feel heartbroken and miserable. My heart is aching and Spencer seems to not care at all. Everyone keeps saying that men and women show emotion differently and with time, his heart will ache too. I want it to ache now, the way mine is, I want him to hurt as bad as I do.
I want him to shed as many tears as I have.
I want to feel better. I want to stop feeling this way. I want the feeling of drowning in misery to disappear.
I try to keep busy and keep my mind off of this but somehow, I always wander back to the heartache. I don't care that time heals all wounds, I have no patience.
I think of all the plans we made for the upcoming months and everything he said to me in the last few days before he shattered my heart into a million little pieces and none of it makes sense. No one understands why he decided to break my heart. No one can help me feel better and sometimes I think that there isn't enough glue in the world to repair the damage he has done to my heart.
I want to hate him so that maybe this would be easier but for some reason, after all of this I don't hate him.
All I know is that Saturday is my birthday and I plan on celebrating it the way it was originally planned just minus my date. I have to feel better by then, I have no choice. I refuse to cancel my plans because of him. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing just how hurt I am.