Over the last week or so, I have been more than heartbroken. However, that being said he keeps making it easier for me to get over him.
We are finishing up the last of our issues.
As the days continue, I learn more about what he has hid from me in the last year particularily. It breaks my heart and makes me question who I was with for the last three years. I wonder who he really is or if he has just changed that much in three years. How did I not notice these things? Maybe it was because I was so completely in love that I wasn't paying attention to how he was changing. How he was growing away from me.
I will always have a weak spot for Spencer because he was my first true love but after his recent confessions, there is no possible way to fix things.
I don't understand how he could hurt me this way, especially when he was so in love with me. I was his Queen. I was the center of his universe and somewhere along the way that changed and it took me a long time to realize that fact.
I don't think I could ever forgive him. It hurts that much, what he has done.
How can someone change that much right in front of you? How did I not notice?
How did I not know what was going on?
I was too trusting. And I was right to be, but he abused my trust and confidence in him and our relationship.
Spencer was a big part of my life for a long time. But he was just one chapter in my fairytale. He is certainly not the end.

Unfortunately I woke up this morning

When I wake up alone, the shock and realization that my relationship with Spencer is over hits me in the face. That probably hurts the most. Waking up by yourself after sleeping next to someone for almost two years. It makes you feel lonely and sad. All the pain and the hurt come flooding back. And when you get hit with that much pain it makes you wonder why you woke up in the first place.
Going to bed alone hurts too. But if I keep myself awake long enough, eventually my eyelids just flutter close and I sleep for ten hours or more.
If I can keep my mind distracted until the inevitable fluttering of my eyelids then it has been a good day and I don't dwell on how much I miss Spencer even though he broke my heart.

I still feel heartbroken and miserable. My heart is aching and Spencer seems to not care at all. Everyone keeps saying that men and women show emotion differently and with time, his heart will ache too. I want it to ache now, the way mine is, I want him to hurt as bad as I do.
I want him to shed as many tears as I have.
I want to feel better. I want to stop feeling this way. I want the feeling of drowning in misery to disappear.
I try to keep busy and keep my mind off of this but somehow, I always wander back to the heartache. I don't care that time heals all wounds, I have no patience.
I think of all the plans we made for the upcoming months and everything he said to me in the last few days before he shattered my heart into a million little pieces and none of it makes sense. No one understands why he decided to break my heart. No one can help me feel better and sometimes I think that there isn't enough glue in the world to repair the damage he has done to my heart.
I want to hate him so that maybe this would be easier but for some reason, after all of this I don't hate him.
All I know is that Saturday is my birthday and I plan on celebrating it the way it was originally planned just minus my date. I have to feel better by then, I have no choice. I refuse to cancel my plans because of him. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing just how hurt I am.

10 Days

All it takes is about ten days for everything in your life to fall apart. 10 days to watch your world come tumbling down.
It all started last friday when I had the most humiliating doctor's appointment of my life. It was a physical and something I don't feel like digging back up. It was a complete violation of doctor - patient trust, to say the least.
I come home from my terrifying experience to receive a phone call from the dental office I worked at. They are letting me go. Apparently I asked too many questions about where things were in the office.I had only worked there a total of 40 hours. It is impossible to know everything there is to know in that little time period.
Next on my list of earth shattering disaster. Spencer and I had been having some problems that we were trying to work on or I was at least. I don't know about him anymore. He spends the entire weekend avoiding me. Finally, he comes home Sunday night so we can fight for an hour, then leaves again.
He returns home on Tuesday, only to break up with me. He tossed me aside like garbage and I mean that in a literal sense because on his street, Tuesday is garbage night.
I started packing to move home. I moved into the "cat room" because the 3 cats had pretty much taken over the room.
My sister KK is less than thrilled to have me home. This is the politest way I can think of saying it.
After being home a few days, my littlest sister blurted out that my guinea pig had died too.
Last but certainly not least, my cousin and I took KK out for her 19th birthday last night. Along my drunken travels at the bar I managed to step in puke that wasn't mine.
People keep telling me that things will get better, time heals all wounds. I'm sick of hearing that already. I feel at times that I may be drowning in my own misery because it seems as though Spencer has moved on already. I'm stuck here crying my eyes out trying to figure out how last thursday he told me he loved me so much that there were not enough stars in the sky to show me how much he loves me and now this. It doesn't make sense. He wants to be my friend. I don't want to be his friend, I want to be his girlfriend. He promised me forever but I suppose my expiry date was three years. Someone should warn his next girlfriend that there is a time limit for his love. I asked him if the last three years were just pretend for him and his response was that he loved me more than he thought humanly possible, that he will never love someone the same way he loved me. It's just not working for him and he is tired of trying. He never tried to fix things in the first place. He has been giving me a hard time about resolvong the financial issues we had together. He is getting pissed off because I won't stop calling him - I wouldn't have to call him if he would grow up and help me take care of these debts. We have taken care of the cell phone bill issue but the credit cards are a seperate issue he is refusing to help with when less than a week ago after I lost my job he promised to take care of me. My prince charming is not so much a prince charming but rather an immature jerk of late. I know that he says he is trying to be civil but answer my damn calls and I wouldn't have to call so many times that it borderlines on stalking. I just don't need to be arrested this week as well. So we agreed upon a few things and I will wait until midweek to hear from him and if I don't then I will call. He has at least agreed to move the rest of my things home for me.
I just wish that there was a way to skip past all this heartache. No one will let me live in a drug induced coma. And my mom keeps making me get out of bed all the time. Everything that I own or most of it anyways he bought for me, everything is a constant reminder of him. And I hate that the most.
I don't want to be told how time heals all wounds or this is for the best or any other cliche crap. It doesn't change the fact that I still love him, even though he doesn't deserve it. He was my first love. He promised happily ever after and I fell for it. I'm sure that eventually I will heal and this will be a learning experience, it just doesn't feel that way right now.

The Value of "X" with Telus

I have been a loyal Telus customer for over 3 years now and I have never had a problem except for the last two months. Last month you "accidentally" programmed my fav five numbers incorecctly so every time I called my mom I was charge 0.35/min. Do you know how many times a month I call my mom and for how long I talk to her? Well it was a pricey mistake that you only credited me $17 for, and for some stupid reason I was satisfied with that.
In January, I added Spencer to my account. Our phone bills were supposed to be only $65 a month each and we would have to pay a one time fee of $35 to activate his phone with Telus. So please tell me how this adds up to $251.57.
Let's do some bsaic math.
$65
$65
+$35
= $165 plus 13% tax, that should total around $186.45
Hmm, something definately does not add up, now does it? That's a difference of $65.12
Basic math people, basic math.
I called this morning to complain. Well, they are telling me that I have to pay a one month advance on Spencer's bill because he is a new customer. Well, when we added him to my account last month, no one informed me that in the month of February we would be financially raped. I complained until they credited me $45. So now I only owe $206.57. Where the hell are they getting these numbers from????? She also told me that there was a $10 charge for changing my rate plan midmonth or mid-billing cycle. Again, a mystery charge I was not aware of...thanks for explaining to me that I would be charged an additional $45 for your fingers to type some information on a computer.
Back to the basic math $175 for the two phones, activation charge and rate plan change fee. (Bullsh*t fee is what I'm calling it, as I angrily type this morning) plus tax should total $197.75.
I don't understand how Telus does math but this is the way I was taught and used successfully through elementary school, high school, and college(twice). This type of math has never steered me wrong before, so why now? The only answer I can come up with is that this is an Algebra question in which I have not found the value of "X" but Telus like my grade nine teacher won't help me with the equation.
I am not done with them yet, I am going to let Spencer loose on them. He won't give up as easily as I did. I only gave up because of their "answers" that wound up confusing me more than I was to begin with when I called in the first place.
I'm still not paying $206.57 for two phones that are supposed to be $65 a month. They can do something rude with their bill.

I am officially no longer an employee of my crappy retail job. I gave my notice of resignation over a week ago. It was quite possibly the happiest day of my life. I was beaming when I handed in my letter. Grinning from ear to ear. I was so happy, that I couldn't contain myself. I finally have a job in dental assisting and I will hopefully never have to work in retail again.

I had to call the Government of Canada today and complete a change of address. I never realized how complicated a process it could be. First of all they encourage you to complete this task online however, in order to do that you must know all your tax information from the previous year. This is something that I most definitely do not know off the top of my head and to be quite honest I am not sure where my tax returns are. I have an idea of where it could be and it is most likely there but I don't feel like digging a box out of my closet and sorting through "important" paperwork. Well, when I tried to complete it online, the website crashed and I was unable to do anything anyways.
So I tried calling the numbers that were listed on a form I had received from the Government. The first number was an automated answering machine that gave me many options, however not one of them was able to complete the task needed which was a simple change of address.
The second number, was a direct number to a human being! I couldn't believe it. But as luck would have it - the answer machine answered my call saying that no one was available to take my call. At this point, I could have screamed. Screamed my lungs out until all the windows in the house shattered but I didn't.
I waited a few minutes and tried calling the number for the human being yet again. Finally someone answered and was able to help me. The best part, I didn't need any of my tax return information as requested on their website. I answered a few simple questions and in a few short minutes, my address was changed.
I really don't understand why the Government feels the need to make everything so complicated. I have a theory that they do it this way simply to drive us all insane. I would say that it is "like pulling teeth" but I have assisted in that procedure and let me tell you, pulling teeth is a lot less complicated and much faster than having to deal with the Government.
After half an hour or more, a simple address change was completed, that's all I needed, all I asked for and it was more complicated than almost anything I have ever done.

Oh Daddy Dearest, you make my day!

It has been a long time since I've posted anything but honestly, I've had nothing to bitch about until now.
Once again, it's all about Daddy Dearest, except this has nothing to do with his special brand of crazy but rather his selfish actions. 3 years ago, I wanted to attend Conestoga College for Advertising. As per the agreement set in stone by a judge in a court over 10 years ago, he is legally responsible to help pay for things like oh say school. I have never asked this man for anything in my life before. Wait, let me rephrase that, I asked him to come to school related functions but he couldn't be bothered to pull himself away from his fancy toys. He has never helped with anything. He didn't even pick up the damn phone to call me on my birthday. His philosophy as a parent "well if the kids want to see me, they will call me." He has never taken any intitive as a parent except for one distinct conversation we had when I was 17, it went a little something like this. "If you ever get pregnant, the best thing you can do is have an abortion, take it from me. Kids ruin your life." Thanks Dad! Great pep talk, you should work for Planned Parenthood.
Back to my point, because I have drifted off topic.
I wanted to go to school, I wanted an education, I needed help from someone who should have helped me. He refused to help pay for my education, he stated all sorts or crazy legal jargon, that my mom's lawyer had a good laugh at while writing a very formal letter that was actually legal.
I chalked his lack of help up to the same old reason. He is a crap parent. I let it go, I took responsibility for my education and future. I did the only thing I could do, take out a loan. $25,000 and 3 years later I discover he couldn't put me through school because he was too busy attending Conestoga College that year. Same campus, like a creep show. Taunting me for years as a child wasn't good enough, he had to be closer to his "beloved daughter" while better educating himself. Clearly, not working on his Canadian Law Degree. We all have Google search you tool.
When I first learned this tidbit of information, it didn't shock me or upset me. He has always been selfish, he has always put his needs before his kids.
Well, guess what it has had time to sink in and I am a little pissed. This is quite possibly the most selfish thing this man has ever done to me. He couldn't be bothered to take interest in anything I ever did, the least he could do was at least give me an honest answer as to why he couldn't help me. As with everything else, he had to tell stories and spin webs of lies that in the end only hurt himself.
Daddy Dearest, if you ever read this I want you to know the following:
I want you to know that I am educated with two diplomas that I worked for all on my own without your help. I also want you to know that when I remember that you have recently lost everything and had to move in with your mother in law, it makes my day. I smile because your selfish behavior has cost you everything. You couldn't be bothered with your family and now your precious toys have all been taken away. No more motorcycles or carpentry shops or whatever else your selfish, grinch sized heart desired. Merry Christmas, I know mine will be because I may be in debt from school but at least I have a family that loves me (and a career).

I saw Daddy Dearest and his special brand of crazy. Thank God, we were in the car just driving past him. Had he seen me or even approached me, I think my heart would have stopped. I wish he and the shrew had stayed in the country, far away from the city, far away from me. Actually, I wish he would fall of the face of earth, unfortunately, no matter how hard you pray for that to happen it never does. I will just have to be satisfied with the fact that he has not come around and hopefully he won't.

"If I fall back down, you're gonna pick me back up again,
I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend." - Rancid

It's just been one of those days.

I hate group projects - being a creative genius is never easy.

I don't hate nature, I just don't go out of my way to see it

This morning, on my first day of summer vacation, I boldly went where I have never gone before. Fishing in the middle of nowhere for three whole hours. I don't like fishing, it's boring and I really don't have the patience to sit there waiting for a fish stupid enough to come along and try to eat a plastic lure. I caught some trees and the great Canadian seaweed fish many times but no actual fish. I am too spastic and uncoordinated for fishing I know this. I knew this before I went fishing this morning. Thankfully, Spencer has the patience to deal with my shaningans.
My mom was shocked to learn of my little adventure today because it has been said by my good friend Melanie that I don't hate nature but I don't go out of my way to see it. This is very true - I hate bugs and mud. And guess what is in the middle of nowhere - bugs and mud. Thank God for bug spray. I think I may have bathed in it this morning trying to protect myself from the flesh eating bugs known as Deer flies and Mosquitos.
Spencer loves nature. He likes fishing and camping and other nature type activities. He would stay out there all day - fishing. My natural habitat is the shoe store. No one gets bitten by bugs or slips in mud. It's usually air conditioned, so you won't wilt like a flower from the burning rays of light from the sun. You can try on a variety of shoes and sometimes there's even a sale. I can buy some great shoes, never spending my own money, usually Spencer's but sometimes my mom's too. It's ideal if you ask me. What else could a girl ask for?
Overall, I have to admit I did have fun spending time with Spencer but there is no future in fishing for me.

Yesterday was my last day at the University of Toronto - Thank God. I really enjoyed my experience in Toronto however I could have lived without carpooling and getting up at 5:30am every morning. I met some really nice dental students one of which I would love to work with when he opens his own practice however it will be in the big city which I don't love. I was given the opportunity to practice my skills on people not dolls which is nice however every time I accidentally sucked up someone's cheek or lip I felt really bad and just kept apologizing but most of them couldn't even feel it or didn't notice because they were given local anesthetic. I also learned that I do not want to work in pediatric dentistry. I spent ten seconds in the pediatric clinic and then ran for the hills. I couldn't handle all these kids crying in pain I wanted to make them feel better but only because they were giving me a headache. Clearly I do not have the patience for pedo. I only had two really bad experiences with the people at the University other than that it was fun.
I had to work today because everyday that I was not at the University I was at work. I have had two days off this entire month, exhaustion is an understatement.
On Friday my mom turns the big four - oh. Over a month ago, I ordered balloons from work. I took my sweet time picking out the perfect balloons in pretty pastels. Today when my shift was over I checked the balloons counter to ensure that my order was there for Friday and it's not. It is lost - no one in the store can find it. I am really upset about this and that is being polite. However I am really glad that I had the sense to check because I would have been even angrier when I went to pick up a nonexistent order on Friday. So now I have to find my receipt to prove that I did in fact pay for the first order. I have no clue as to where it could be but I better find it. This was a reminder of how event planning can suck which is why I never applied for a position in event planning when I was done at Conestoga College.
Other than fixing this little balloon mess I can't wait for my mom's birthday - I think I may be more excited than she is because despite this set back I do like planning a party especially one that includes jello shooters. I'm sure there will be pictures.

I will never carpool again, as long as I live. I hate it. It makes going to U of T the most horrific experience ever. I can not even begin to explain how horrible so I am just going to say that I will never carpool again, I would rather walk.
The experience of going to University is fun, however, I do not want to go to University in the city of Toronto. Toronto is way too busy and everyone is in hurry. Some students are great to work with, others are not. I have only encountered two students who were not pleasant to say the least, the others were great. Every day that I am not at the University, I am at work, so I don't really have a break until the end of the month and I beginning to become extremely exhausted which may be expressed in some of these sentences if they do not make sense or have typos. Hopefully this will all be over soon and I can go back to my regular schedule of half school days and I don't have to pay money to listen to techno in the car for two hours.

Rumor has it that Daddy Dearest and his special brand of crazy have rolled back in to town. I am not happy about this and that is putting it kindly. I have this knot in my stomach since I found out that he won't stay a rumor for very long. I have this feeling that he will be coming around soon and that is something I can not deal with. I try to ignore my instinct, however, even in my dreams I can not be rid of him. I don't sleep and when I do he is there in his nightmarish present finding ways to disturb me more than he already has. Anti-anxiety pills will be short in supply soon and that in itself is a whole seperate issue.

Enough about Daddy Dearest though.

I started my ten day experience at the University and it went much better than I had anticipated. I was able to work with two very friendly female dentists, who thankfully did not criticize my work because I have definately not had enough experience. One even said, that it was a pleasure to meet me and she would love to have me back next week. She said I did a great job for my first time and was pleased with my help. Granted I didn't do that much to help but it felt great to be appreciated. I am 100% exhausted, but I'm happy about it and I can't wait to go back on Monday.

The Prince Among Men

Spencer and I were invited to a Stag and Doe tomorrow. I don't want to go. I am not a people person, I am shy. I am an introvert. And most of the time his work friends don't talk to me. His co-workers think he is great - he is the prince among men at work. And me I don't know where I fit in. They don't talk to me, they don't introduce themselves, Spencer always introduces me unless he can't remember the name of his co-worker. So I don't want to go. I don't want to be left out as he and his crew proceed to get shitfaced. (It's just plain rude, not to introduce yourself to someone new and it leaves a really bad first impression.)However, it seems as though I am being persuaded into it. I know that I could make the effort to introduce myself but it's hard when 15 people are chatting away and you can't get a word in edge wise. I hate it, I hate going to his work related events or events for people from work. I am trying to talk my friend into coming with me because I usually try to drag her along to these things. This way, as they are telling their stupid "Haha can you believe that actually happened today at work?" stories, we proceed to do shots and dance and sometimes there is singing involved but only after a certain number of shots. Hopefully, she will oblige or I am in trouble.

Take the words right out of my mouth

In school, we had to write resumes for our 250 hours of work placement. Of course, I wrote what I thought was a phenomenal resume, after all I did already go to Conestoga College for two years. I did already study resume writing for four months and excel in copy writing during those same months. Plus when it came to English classes in high school everything just fell into place naturally. I never struggled with writing or reading. I guess I am like my mother that way.
I wrote a beautiful objective filled with all the cliche things that employers love to hear except with my own twist to it. I wrote a very captivating cover letter explaining my current position as a student and after perfecting it I sent it to my placement coordinator. I received an email from her today saying that my resume and cover letter was great she just had to make a minor adjustment to my skills list on my resume. Well curiosity killed me and I opened the attached documents. She rewrote my entire resume and cover letters. There were a few tidbits left of what I had wrote and that was all. I am not pleased to say the least. I don't understand why she would send me an email telling me how perfect my resume and cover letters were and then rewrite the entire thing. It doesn't make sense to me at all. I am upset because I worked really hard on my resume and I actually know what I am doing. I know how to catch an employer's eye, I know what to say and how to say it. I think I need to ask my placement coordinator what I did wrong or what she didn't like and ask her why. If I did do something wrong or make an error somewhere that's fine, I'm glad she caught it but why did she change the whole thing? The wording is not mine, it's not even close to how I write when it comes to professional documents. And I think if I went to an interview tomorrow with this cover letter it would be quite obvious that it is not my writing or speaking style. I just don't think it was necessary and I am determined to get to the bottom of this issue. I know that I am very weird about my writing and that there was not one single grammar or spelling or any other type of mistake that she could catch. I reread the entire thing multiple times and I had peers evaluate it for errors as well. So I need to know why and until I do I will obsess over it and drive myself mad. That is my nature.

Resumes, grammar and boredom

My exam went really well, I always second guess myself and end up changing answers at the last minute. If I would just leave them alone, it would be fine but I always feel the need to check my answers.
I started a new semester that has been so easy I could do it with my eyes closed. For the last couple of days, we have been working on grammar and improving our writing abilities. I don't need much help in that area. I breeze through it ahead of the class, leaving myself with nothing at all to do.
We are also working on resumes, again this is not an area that I need much help in because, I wrote resumes for a whole semester at Conestoga College when I was there. I could write my resume in my sleep, and while everyone is stressing out about writing a resume or learning how to use Windows Vista, I just work on perfecting every aspect of my resume from the font, to the color, to the border, everything. I have become quite the perfectionist when it comes to any task that involves my creative side.
Even our tests are easy because they are ALL open book.
I love my program but this is becoming quite boring for me. I have about an hour and a half a day where I learn something new. It is a computer program that dental offices use to track patients, appointments, staff, insurance companies and policies. Even this is easy and I am not the most computer literate person in the world. I do have one challenge, which is to improve my typing skills. I have to type 25 words per minute with 5 errors or less. It is almost impossible. I can type 39 words per minute with 41 errors on a timed typing test. So the 39 words per minute doesn't really count does it? I've tried some free typing programs on the Internet to help me, but they are a little too easy and do not provide the challenge I need in order to reach this goal. Well it's not really a goal, because I am graded on this skill and must perfect it in order to move to the next semester. This seems stupid to me but I didn't design the curriculum.
At least tomorrow, I will get a break from this, because we are in the dental lab improving our hands on skills before we go to Toronto in June. We will spend approximately 40 hours a week in Toronto assisting students who are practicing to become dentists. I'm nervous but looking forward to it at the same time, it will give me the opportunity to work on some of my techniques before I have real patients and not a Dexter. (Dexter is a head with a working jaw and teeth that we use to practice our skills before we have patients.)
Hopefully, after my grammar exam this week, school will keep me busy and interested and not completely bored.

I have never in my whole life been excited about writing a final exam. After tomorrow's test I will get a new teacher and it will be a huge relief. I expect the stress from the last 100 days with my current teacher will just melt away. My current teacher has not been the kindest or most respectful, so it will be a nice change to have an even tempered, level headed and organized teacher. It will be great to be graded by a teacher who doesn't have favorites and doesn't make things up as she goes. She actually said to the class "Don't worry about what I said yesterday, listen to what I am saying today." I have never met anyone who creates policies and procedures as she teaches and just makes things up of the top of her head. I look forward to one day having a job where I am in a position to pull things out of my ass and just say "This is the rule and you have to obey it." The school is a scent free facility and one day she made us each enter the room one by one and ask "What scent do you feel in here?" Apparently she felt a scent and wanted to know who was wearing the perfume. I have never felt a scent, but hey to each their own right? She has inspected us one by one to ensure we were all in uniform, yep I had to take my shoes off to show her that I was in fact wearing white socks as per the policy. She demands respect but refuses to treat others with respect. We are all adults and should be treated that way. I just can't wait to go to school not feeling so stressed and tense. It will be nice to feel relaxed and calm. So yes I am extremely happy to write an exam. Off to study now.

Unwelcome.

I want to post an entry
but someone who is unwelcome
has been lurking.
If that someone wants to know about my life
they should make an effort
and not creep my blog.
However I don't want that person
to make an effort,
or make any attempts
to contact me.
I would like very much for that someone
to leave me alone,
as they have done in the past.
Because as I mentioned,
they are unwelcome.
They know who they are
and why they are unwelcome.